ex-wife asking my boyfriend for lunch..calling her self Mrs. (his last name).

do you need us to tell you that you are dealing with a douche? (of course I don't know that, I'm just guessing from your info)

Osso, that is a grand canyon kind of leap, if I've ever seen one.

I know it was a leap and I may apologize. Not yet.

Why does she have his voice mail, six years later? Not to mention the wife business.

I think, note I'm saying I think, that you have misunderstood the chain of events.

That may be true, I may be confused, so easy. So, this woman was married to the boy friend, and still is?

I'll back up. I don't know enough.

I believe that to be the case, yes. He hasn't served her with divorce papers yet.

ah.

Teena, I think what you should be most concerned about is why your boyfriend has never gotten divorced from his ex after 6 years. Your issue is with him, not his wife. (And she is still his wife so she has every right to call herself Mrs. _____) Your boyfriend has the power to stop what is going on. Maybe he likes the renewed attention from her?

you are correct

This is causing a huge strain...partly because I know my ex-husband (who is married) would have definately put me in my place and told me to F**k off if I ever compromised his relationship with his partner. My boyfriends ex, tried several times to seduce him while he was in a relationship before me. Told people "let him go have his little fling, he'll be back"!! She got freakin pregnant while they were married and obviously the man who impregnated her won't have her! So this is why I am so angry with my partner for not putting her in her place!! He said he hasn't divorced her for fear she will go after more money...when he already paid her his due dillegence(documented in a seperation agreement). She made a fool of both of us and a mockery of his father's funeral a few months back and thats when he should have set things right!! I do admit when I heard the message I texted her.."no he is not available for lunch, thanks anyways"...she responded "his secretary or snooping"?? I didn't respond. Anyway, low and behold when he got to work this morning there was a message from her complaining about me!! He said he will take care of it..so lets see. He won't tell me I'm sure!! If he loves me should he not be doing everything to show me I am the one whom matters? I would for him.
Thanks
T

after 6 years if he loved you, he'd be divorced and asking you to marry him, this hasn't happened, i think he's found a good thing, you put up with him and his ex wife is stroking his ego (and who know what else), my advice, tell him to go, or you go, he has to divorce the ex and then a cooling off period of six months minimum, to see if there is a relationship here at all, you're dating a married man, he has nothing to offer you until that issue is resolved

I agree with this advice, Teena, although you probably won't do it. You love him and you're living with him, after all. But you know him and the situation better than we do, so...

For what it's worth, I wouldn't put up with that. Get in or get out; seems like he's got a foot or a toe, at least, in that relationship still, to be communicating with her at all.

He should have done the divorce when he did the separation agreement; and I don't know why he thinks she could/would get more given that they had an agreement, he paid her out, and she hasn't lived with him since. Maybe he should consult a good lawyer. So maybe that's a cop out or maybe he's just lazy or a procrastinator? But if it were me, I'd put my foot down. Get in or get out.

I can understand your frustration Teena, but you can only control what you have control over. No sense complaining about his wife cause you have no control over what she does. You can only try to influence what your boyfriend does or does not do concerning his wife, but he seems to be ok with all the attention he is getting from her. But you can and do have full control over your actions.

So my question is what are you going to do about the situation you find yourself in? I don't care how much you think you love him, it will not be enough to hold together a relationship if he does not also love you exclusively. And sorry to say, if he did, he would already be divorced or at the very least he would make it plain to his wife that he wants no further contact with her. He can change his personal phone number and stop taking her calls at work. If she persists in bothering him at work he could seek a restraining order. Heck, just serving her with divorce papers might do the trick. The point is, there are things he can do that even if they are not totally successful will demonstrate that he wants no part of her and is fully committed to you.

I just don't think it sounds as though he is willing to get her out of his life. If he were, he would have been divorced by now regardless of the monetary issues involved. After all, millions of other men get divorced regardless of the money issues, so why can't he? I think you know the reason.

So, to end my long-winded reply, tell him that the current situation is unacceptable to you and make him choose. But tell him to end all contact or you and he are done. Sure, he may choose not to end things with her and you'll have to move on with your life without him, but I don't see how that is any worse than your current situation. Find someone who will love you and put you first and not get wishy washy with women from his past.

If the man is not honorable enough to put the person he lives with in higher priority then the one he wants to divorce, then that woman should leave.


If you choose to stay, seeing exactly how he will treat the situation, then....I guess.. enjoy.

He is not making a decision.
he is not stepping forward. In fact, he is stepping on you.
Why do you feel you deserve a less than man? A wimp ?

Ah.... the, 'If he loves me...' test. No - he isn't obligated to treat you as you would treat him. He's his own person and no matter how much you wish he was someone else, he isn't. He's who he is. You can choose to live with that person and be yourself, or you can choose to leave him so that he can take care of the things that are important to him while you do the same for yourself.

I want to thank those of you who have taken the time to be so supportive, especially not knowing every detail. He said he was going to have a converation with her today...just didn't want to make me look silly by listening to his messages. I told him why doesn't he just tell her that "we don't believe in secrets"?? WTF do I care what she thinks anyway!! I fear I sound like a jealous crazy girlfriend....I just want to be in the know, especially after hearing and seeing her shinanigans!! He has the divorce papers sitting in his drawer and I refuse to tell him anymore what I need for him to do. Of course this causes arguements and now he thinks we are on "fragile" ground. We never argue about anything else. Maybe he's thinking why would he file if him and I continue to argue and breakup??Who knows!! He said "who knows, maybe once I file and get divorced you'll(me) find other reasons to argue!! Again, frustrating!! I just want her to be out of our lives. He told me earlier today..."he doesn't give a S**t about her and he doesn't care about her game playing he won't play along"....but he's not closing that door!! Yada yada yada!! Thanks again for your words of wisdom!!

I agree - maybe you want to "divorce" yourself from him (haha)

At the very least, I'd suggest splitting with until the divorce is final.

that sounds a bit odd to me.

It would seem that the longer they stay married, the more claim she would have to his resources.

Does he have a will? If he doesn't, in many jurisdictions, she could claim everything as the legal widow.

Of course, in some jurisdictions, he'd already be a bigamist as he's married to one woman - one legally, and one common-law.

He's got himself in quite a bit of a mess there.