Reply
Sun 30 Nov, 2003 09:20 pm
Hi to everyone,
It is may be a long story But I'm lost here. I'm 31 My husband is 40.
We have been married for five months. Before we knew each other for 4 years. But it was a long distance relationship. We went thru all the Difficulties to be together as we are from different countries and it was not easy for us. I move to his country. Before marriage everything was ok. After marriage seams like he is not interested in sex with me ... and....... we never passionately kiss
I'm very attractive woman ... everything is ok with sex. Every day I was trying to have sex with him and he kept saying :" be patient ... I need to do it on my own" ....
Once we had a great weekend wich we spent together with his brother's family. My husband took us to highlands and we had fun. We came back and watching TV together. It was 3 am The movie was not good actually and my husband told me :"I'm bored. I want to go out" When I asked where he wants to go, he said he wants just to drive around
may be have a cup of tea
. when I said:" what about me? I'm bored too.".. He said:" I want to go alone I need my space". I was shocked ... I know everybody need space sometimes ... but I never thought it can be 3 am ....
I was crying and we had a big disagreement so this time he did not go... but after that sometimes we go out and he says me after we go out he will drop me home and after he need go out after 3 am because his friend is available only after 3 am ... who is his friend and why he can meet him only after 3 am he refuse to answer He says he dose not have to tell me because there are things nothing to do with me.
One day he bought a new pillow just for him... May be it is strange but it hurt me ....I took it like there is no me on his mind in our bed .... May be I'm too sencitive ...
Sometimes he wants to go out midnight -1-3 am ... I don't understand if it is normal... As for me it is not But he keep saying he need his space sometimes ... Sometimes it is may be once in 2 weeks sometimes more ... sometimes less... When I ask why it must be late night time He says he want his space any time he need it...
Some times ago somebody call his hand phone 2.30 am ...When I asked him who call him he answer just somebody playing fool Then I asked why then you were talking to this person... He become very angry and said I'm so bad and I'm so suspiciouse ... I don't trust you... From that time I noticed he started to hide from me his phone ... he made no sound ring... It is very strange ...
I said him that I can't accept his going out late night because it hurts me ... He says that I can't compromise and I can't sucrifuce anything for family ..and that . I should not be married.
Now I'm not sure what is right what is wrong ... We don't have normal sex ... only when I insist very much ... He wants to go out late night and I don't have to ask even where he is going because he dose not want to report. One more thing he is reading a forum where guys talk about local girls who sell their body
which is good which is not good
.
He is a nice guy Caring and loving
. May be I'm really wrong??? Please help me to understand Am I selfish????
Sorry for my mistakes because English is not my language
Please help me to understand what is wrong with me or with him?
How long was he single for before you married? More importantly, for how long did he live alone? He could be having trouble getting used to someone being around all the time. Not being married myself, that's the only thing I can see if he wants to go for a drive at 3am.
He may be having trouble adjusting to having someone else in the bed.
I sometimes have a lot of trouble sleeping while getting used to sharing the bed with someone and end up sleeping on the couch now and then just to catch up on sleep.
late marriage
It is his first marriage
He is 40 I'm 31 ... You are right he has been alone for too long and I understand that... But he dose not lety me know where is he going ... who is his friend When someone call 2.30 he get angry when I ask who call you so late... If you decide to spend rest of your life with the one you love why don't to share .... and how don't you understand it may hurt your spouse feelings to leave her alone night after you spent time going out ... Specially if she is new in the country and dose not have anybody to go out with the same time
Rather then getting bogged down in the details of the little things that bother you, discuss the big issue with him. You need to feel that you are important to him and you need to have him acknowledge your need to be reassured. Explain to him that you wouldn't be feeling so insecure about late night phone calls if you felt like you were an important priority in his life.
Alright Folks.....lets just hit the nail on the head here and quit beating around the bush.
We all know if our spouses told us at 3am in the morning that they needed "space", and was going to take a "drive". And took to answering phone calls at 2am, and wouldn't give any details...that we'd all be madder than hell about it.
Married for the first time or not. He took her to marry...knowing that his life as he knew it was over. That it wasn't just "HIM", it was a "WE" He's the one that needs to learn to compromise, not her.
And secondly....Stran, have you thought how'd he react if it was you that was needing "space"? Would it be acceptable or not on his part for you to take off in the middle of the night? With no explanation? Probably not, most don't like it when the shoe is on the other foot. I'd be for finding out who and what he was doing. If then, it was innocent, I'd sit back and relax and let him have his "space".
But finding out, is a delicate matter to deal with.
makemeshiver33 wrote:Alright Folks.....lets just hit the nail on the head here and quit beating around the bush.
We all know if our spouses told us at 3am in the morning that they needed "space", and was going to take a "drive". And took to answering phone calls at 2am, and wouldn't give any details...that we'd all be madder than hell about it.
Married for the first time or not. He took her to marry...knowing that his life as he knew it was over. That it wasn't just "HIM", it was a "WE" He's the one that needs to learn to compromise, not her.
And secondly....Stran, have you thought how'd he react if it was you that was needing "space"? Would it be acceptable or not on his part for you to take off in the middle of the night? With no explanation? Probably not, most don't like it when the shoe is on the other foot. I'd be for finding out who and what he was doing. If then, it was innocent, I'd sit back and relax and let him have his "space".
But finding out, is a delicate matter to deal with.
I was too tired to post last night, but this covers pretty much what I had to say. Getting 2am phone calls, keeping whoever it is a secret and heading out the door at 3am saying he needs his space is bull. Your husband is showing serious disrespect towards you by doing this and I for one would never ever put up with that for a second. If I was with a man who got phone calls in the middle of the night and refused to tell me who it was, I would suspect he was cheating on me for obvious reasons. Marriage is a commitment and he is not honoring that. I feel for you girl and hope that what I suspect isn't true. I'd get some answers If I were you. Follow him if you have too. If he is sleeping around, that puts you in danger of contracting all kinds of STD's.
I'm with Montana and makemeshiver. He owes you an explanation re the 3 AM shenanigans and the late-night phone calls. If anyone called my husband at that hour, I'd assume it was some sort of major emergency. And if it wasn't, and if the conversation went on for longer than a few seconds (wrong number; don't call here again), I'd really begin to wonder what was going on, and I would DEMAND an explanation. Yes, demand. No legitimate business is conducted at that hour. Regular friends don't call at that hour. Even a drunken buddy, if he did call at that hour, is a piece of information I should know. That's about the only way such a late call could have some legitimacy.
As for his wanting space at 3 AM, again that's completely ridiculous. Anyone can want space at any time during the day. 3 PM, of course, is perfectly legit. Hey, go for a run or a drive. No sweat. But 12 hours earlier and there's no legitimate place he could possibly be. A movie? Nope, anything other than XXX films is done for the night. A diner? Possibly, but most places aren't open at that hour and even if they are, getting food at that hour is a much simpler proposition if you just raid the fridge. Seeing friends? No, they're very likely sleeping. Going to a bar? Even those are closed in most places and, even if they aren't, I'd be rather concerned if my husband felt the need to head to a bar at closing time, or some after-hours place.
In short, you have plenty to be worried about, and plenty of explanations to be demanding. Regardless of how long your husband was single, he should have a clue as to (a) what's legit and (b) how to be respectful to you. It IS your business. You have the right to know as, if he's cheating on you (and I'm sorry to say, that's the first thing that comes to mind, and doesn't leave my mind - and it may very well be with hookers as a regular affair probably wouldn't be conducted that late at night), you have the right to seek a divorce or, at the very least, protect yourself against sexually-transmitted diseases. He may be bringing HIV into your home. He may be bringing arguments with pimps into your home.
You have the right to know, and if he wants to be free, my suggestion to you is to make it legal and turn his freedom into a divorce. I'm sorry. Best of luck to you.
Strang, my heart goes out to you. I can only agree with the other posts, but especially with Jespah's warning about your husband bringing home sexual diseases--with AIDS being the worst possiblity.
Do you have money of your own or access to the money needed to see an attorney? You need to be planning for the worst. This doesn't sound like a simple marital dispute!
Strang........do you drive a car or are you walking distance from civilization? If yes, make yourself beautiful when your husband's home to see it, and tell him You're the one who's going out......then go out by yourself and either have a good time, or sit in a diner till a couple of hours have passed.
That way: a) You're not a victim, and
b) he'll know what it's like to be you
It might help us give advice if we knew what countries/customs we are speaking about. Are you both in the US now or elsewhere?
I agree with Jespah completely.
You didn't mention the phone calls in your first post. That's definitely a worry.
hi again
well we both live in Malaysia now He is christian and he is a good educated in US man.
He was a very outgoing person before marriage and he said me he need some time to adjust ... I understand that but it is already 5 monthes and I'm tired of it.
and he said he already has changed because he dose not go out every day and he sacriface his time for me...(I thought before it is plesure for him to spend time with me now I know he sacriface
)
Here there are a lot of places where you can go and eat or drink night time ... So it make easy for him to excuse...
All his friends says him "you have a very beautifull wife"
what else he need I don't know ....
If I don't insist we will not have sex I think don't know how long
I have been descussing with him this I said I will not be able to live all my life like this without sex He said don't worry everything is ok But what is ok ??? I don't know nothing has change
But he sayd he loves me and I'm the best etc
to Katya8
to forget what ?
Stran100, we are still interested in trying to help.
I hate to pile on the bad news, but something else that occurs to me from reading your posts is that he might be gay. Nothing concrete, just that this is his first marriage at 40, all the weird sneaking around stuff, that his friends say he has a beautiful wife -- like appearances are important -- and especially that he is not interested in sex with you.
HOW long-distance was your relationship before you got married? That could be another perfect cover for someone in the closet -- "Oh, I have a fiance, she just lives in _____." Like, when did you guys actually meet in person, and how much time did you spend together?
stran
If he is no longer interested in sex after only 5 months, then something is seriously wrong. How often would you say that you do have sex? I would be beside myself with the "sacrifice" comment as well. Even if everything is still open in the middle of the night, that's no excuse. He may have been out on the town in the middle of the night when he was single, but he's not single anymore and he made a commitment to you when he said "I do"! Unless he's working, then the only place he should be at 3am is in bed next to you. I'm very sorry to say that this doesn't look very good for you.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace