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Thu 27 May, 2010 07:03 pm
Ok so i am engaged to a air force reserve member, we've been going out for about 2 years but have known each other since 5th grade, we are 20 now. Sex is a very big deal to him, he was a virgin when we first got together but i was not. When we talked about sex i didn't tell him that i had had sex before because i didn't think the relationship would evolve to anything so didn't see a need. But about a month in i told him that i had had sex before. I thought i was clear about it but i told him that although i had sex it didn't feel right to me but yet i still did it. He was very upset and we ended up breaking up, but about 2 months later we got back together and thinking that he understood that i have had sex before i didn't expect this topic to come up again. But now he talks like we were both each others first, and i feel guilty and upset becuase i don't know how to confront him again. He would leave me and call the engagement off for sure if i mentioned that i had had sex before him, but i can't understand if maybe he just doesn't remember because he doesn't want to or if i was unclear. I don't want to end the relationship, because i really do love him, but i feel like i am lying to him everyday. i dont know what to do!
@doohickey1,
Quote:But now he talks like we were both each others first
That sounds like a tough situation. In answer to your question, though: if the above is true, then it sounds like
he is the one lying, not you.
@Shapeless,
It does. I wonder if he's trying to make her feel guilty for not coming right out and confessing - every few months or so.
@roger,
Maybe. My first instinct was that it's a case of denial, maybe even delusion (though this is obviously based on nothing but wild speculation).
yeah i don't want to bring it up again because it's such a big topic and we both just get irritated with it, but at the same time our relationship won't last if i feel like im lying and he's in denial...
@Shapeless,
Quote:Maybe. My first instinct was that it's a case of denial, maybe even delusion (though this is obviously based on nothing but wild speculation).
I have to agree. Some people are just that way. IF they say it's true than it's true.
The clown's opinion, for what it is worth, is that if he loves you then your past love life should not be a big deal to him. HE is the one you are with now and that should be all that matters to him. You've already informed him that he was not the first for you, so bringing it up again after splitting and reuniting doesn't make sense to me. He would not have gotten back with you if it were still an issue with him. So let it go. He may well be acting as though you never told him, but that may be his way of dealing with something that he wishes were different.
The down side to not bringing it up again is that during those times when things get rough after the marriage (and there will be rough patches) he is liable to throw this up in your face. The question then is are you willing to deal with that possibility?
Oh, and to answer the question you posed in the thread's title, no I don't think you would be lying to him by simply not bringing it up again.
@doohickey1,
Don't really see the issue here, maybe because I live in a country where sex is considerd a casual thing.
Why is he so whiney about such thing as sex? What kind of religion or other motivation for his selfpity, is that implicates him so?
I wouldn't touch such a person that get worked over such minor thing.
So - stroke his ego and tell him he IS the first - the first one you have even felt like this with.
But you need to look at the warning signs of this relationship. He seems very insecure and quick to put blame and shame on you for your past. I can't believe that he is not a whiney, defensive person at heart and you need to ask yourself if you can live like this.
@doohickey1,
when you say that you feel like you are lying to him what I read is that you don't feel like he is acknowledging you for who you really are........a non virgin before him, and that this bothers you. That you dont want to confront him, and that you feel that he will break up with you if he is forced to confront the real you is a problem if you are not willing to submit to his will over the long haul. If you are willing to be the submissive in this relationship then you can let it drop for now and then outright lie to him at some point in the future when your virginity comes up in conversation. If you dont what to do this then you need to stand your ground now, even if doing so might cost you the relationship.
@doohickey1,
if you are planning to marry him, you should make sure you are clear about it. because then you'll be able to have a clear conscious if he were to bring it up. not to mention that if you ever got upset at him for something, you might be prone to use it against him and that would only cause further problems. if he loves you enough then he will be able to handle the truth, but if you keep it from him, and let him simmer in this ignorance it might only lead to problems later. do the hard thing, make sure he knows, it will make you feel better even if he doesn't like what he hears. the problem with most marriages is communication, so don't start it off on the foot of failure.
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