She left me and wants to still be my friend

Welcome to A2K. Sorry it's not under better circumstances.

If she doesn't want to come home, you are out of luck in terms of getting her back. Since she moved out and left, I'm guessing she doesn't want to come back. That leaves you with several bad options. For the two children that are not yours, did you adopt them? If not, I doubt you have a strong say in where they are going to end up. The Ex has a better claim than you do unless there are things you haven't mentioned. I'm sure that is heartbreaking, but I think your best bet is to try to negotiate some visitation time for the step-siblings and do what is best for all of them. As for your two children, their hearts are breaking too. If your wife wants to be in your life, the first test is for her to engage for the benefit of the children. If she can't do that, I doubt there is any hope for the future.

What about a polyamorous crèche with everyone living in the same house? Who cares what outsiders think as long as your extended family unit is happy and healthy!

OK - you need to some long deep breaths to start off with.

This is all very raw at the moment and emotionally you're going to be way out of your depth for a while - so you're going to need to learn how the float a little bit...

Firstly - is your wife saying she is not going to come home? Where is she living? Is she seeing the children - how old are they?

Maybe you could write a little more, vent as much as you wish to. Are the children in school and are you working?

Do you think there is any chance of her coming home - that possibly this affair is just "a thing" - if she has been stepping out of the marriage for 6 weeks - maybe there is a chance that things will change again and a reconciliation is possible.

Regarding her ex - would you like to explain what he is taking you to court for - is it for custody of the children? Did he see his children often - do they regularly stay with him? Does your wife know that he has threatened court action? If she does, what does she say about this?

I would recommend that the first thing you do is get yourself some legal advice from a family lawyer for the best interests of the children.

You need to take this one step at a time. First of all - get some legal advice. Then you will need to deal with how you come to terms about your wife leaving. A great deal of control has been taken out of your life and you need to gain that back.

Tell us more if you can and wish to so that we are better able to understand and offer advice on how to move forward. Let your friends help you as much as possible - especially helping out with the kids whilst you are hurting so much.

You will get through this - YOU WILL - it's going to be very hard and very emotional - try to just take it one step at a time...

vent away - get it out of your head by talking about it

do you have friends where you live who are able to support you and whom you feel comfortable talking to?


<welcome to A2K - I wish it were for better reasons too...>

take care

First of all, thanks for the replies. My wife is saying she isn't coming home right now and she doesn't know what she wants. She is living with her co-worker as she has told no one about what truley happened including her best friend. All shes tells them is she has left me and is bouncing from family and friends couches. The first thing I did was get a separation agreement done as I was leaving the country days after she told me she was leaving. She sees the children for 4hrs twice a week and every other weekend. The children are 14, 12, 8 and 6. Hardest hit are the 14 year old and the 6 year old. My 6 yr old tells both her mother and myself that she cant live like this and she wants mommy home. Its like shes a 20 yr old trapped in a 6yr olds body. breaks my heart. The 14 yr old is thinking its his fault, first his Father leaves and now his mother. Our relationship has never been stronger. I talk with him more than anyone else. The kids are in school for another month and I am working, but it is suffering. I have gone from being a workaholic to a full time Dad over night. This is where I really through you for a loop, For 10 years I have supported her little brother as well and he still lives with me. He is 18 now but I treat him like he's one of my sons. Here's the big kicker though, I have a granny suite in my basement and my mother in law rents it from me. So I am in a constant reminder of her not only by dealing with my own children but her family as well. This is all pretty messed up and I just dont know what to say. I will keep telling my storey and maybe it will start to make sense. Her ex gave up all custody rights to his children, he sees the boys every other weekend and every other holiday. My wife has signed custody of all 4 children to me. So her ex has to take both her and I to court to fight this, and she is telling me to deal with it. Ihave know this women for 17 years, she has always put her kids first and now its like she doesnt exist any more. I will tell everyone that this friend i was aware of for some time. She promised me it was strictly friendship for months and we were happy or so I thought. We didn`t fight much and we had sex on average 5-6 times a week. The day I found the txt msg saying ``goodnight, sweetdreams xoxo`` and I confronted her, she told me the truth and how long it had been going on and then a switch turned in her and she pushed me away. She didn`t talk to me, and she moved out when I got bck from my trip. No one in either of our families can figure this out. It goes against everything she has ever stood for. I am falling apart, I can`t control this and its killing me. My daughter has caught me crying and tries to make it all better. My emotions are making it worse for my children. I got to the point where i unloaded all my feelings on my wife and she just sat there and cried and said she was sorry. She wants to remember all the good times we had and to just go back to when we had fun and were friends. She wants me to still be her shoulder when she needs one, and to be honest I have been there every time shes needed it. But to what end, I just feel worse when I drive away. its almost like she doesn`t care what she is doing to me and my family. She still tells me she loves me and texts me or calls me at least once a day. I tell her I love her every time we talk or see each other. I told myself to stop doing it, but I am a firm believer that if you love someone, tell them everytime you see or talk to them, it doesnt matter if its your brother, father, mother or spouse and children. I just dont know what to think anymore. She wanted space and is doing nothing with her time away. She's not talking to anyone. She has turned her back on reality and is living in his world now with his friends not her own. I just want her to come home.

I feel badly for you. No advice right now, except to hang in there emotionally, which isn't easy. Well, I've found long walks useful in times like these, just to help give me some balance.

Hey.... keep floating mate... will be back to talk after I've been to work...

talk all you wish, doesn't matter what you say, or how you sound... just keep talking to anyone and everyone.

will catch you later....

float, deep breaths, one day - get through each as best you can...


((tank))


do take care today...

its like she has me on a rollercoaster. She called me at work today to talk and then she told me she loved me. tonight she's like a different person again. its like she's trying to keep going around in circles. I know i should just stop talking to her altogether and let her miss me but i just cant. i dont have the strength. took my kids for family pictures today and it just didnt seem right without her there. My kids, god bless them but they dont know whats going on. they keep asking me to bring mom home and i dont know what to say anymore. I just cant seem to find the strength to walk away like i know i need to. Anyone got any suggestions to help me out. I'm already at the gym 4 days a week, work, and my kids, but i cant seem to let go.

With the kids, just be honest. "Mom doesn't want to come home right now." You certainly don't want to run her down, but don't lie to the children either.

I can't see anything you could do right now except hold yourself together and take care of your kids. Allow your wife to be wherever she wants to be, whoever she wants to be-- really, what choice do you have. You DO have the strength to do just those things. Give your life a chance to fall in place. Believe me, it will, and you will come out the shining star. You have been blindsided. Stay cool around this lady. Cool down. Stop telling her you love her, that your heart is broken. She knows that. See a counselor to help you handle this misery - NOT to get her back. Eventually she may join you. But, take care of yourself and your kids, and your mother--in-law in the basement. Is she a good babysitter? Actually, you're in a better spot than your wife.

Keep talking.

Well, I held my ground with her and told her I cant talk to her or txt with her right now. She didnt take it too well. I also told the kids that Mommy doesnt want to come home, which they didn't take to well. They look to me like i have to fix it and i told them I cant. My step son thinks its all his fault, first his dad walked away and now his mom. I told him that everyone still loves him and it has nothing to do with hom, but it didnt stop his tears and his withdrawing from the family into his room. She gets to miss all of this. she has no idea what this is doing to the kids, its like she doesnt care. i told the kids to take their questions to her as i dont have any answers on what she is going to do. it just sucks when you look at your children and cant give them the one thing they want. I will try not to give in to her and try to distance myself and see what happens. thanks to everyone here for all there support. just getting this out of my head has helped me.

well i ignored her text today so she called my office and i told my receptionist to put it through to my voicemail. She had nothing nice to say about me ignoring her. She says that if i loved her i would talk to her. What in the heck is she thinking? she left me and still wants all the benefits i provide for her. I'm going to try and stay strong on this, but its just hard, i want to talk to her, i have everyday for 17 years and for the past 10 years we have talked about everything, i guess this is why you dont sleep with your best friend. well i day at a time i guess.

yep, day at a time, tank.

how ya doing right now?

do what you feel is right for you at the moment - stay strong if talking to her is too hard right now

it doesn't mean you don't love her - it just means you have to protect yourself for a little while

i hope she is talking with the children - it's very important that she keeps the contact going with the children - i know that will be very hard for you - just keep as strong as you can and when you feel able to talk to her without letting the emotions get out of control, then go ahead and do what you think is best.

Thing is, your emotions will change by the hour... the minute... you'll be angry, upset, frustrated, numb, disbelieving, wanting her to come home, loving her, wanting to turn the clock back so none of this ever happened... but you can't change the past, you can only go with what you feel at the time - if you can't talk, don't.... if you do talk, don't chastise yourself for that - do whatever feels right for you

for the children, for them... they need to keep the contact going with their Mom

i know it must feel like she's having her cake and eating it... she sounds very confused to me from what you've written...

maybe, because she was confronted about the other person, she felt she had to leave because that seems to justify (not the right word there) ... seems to make good her actions. Maybe she's got caught up in something she can't seem to get out of...

the rejection of her friends and family would say to me that she is very confused and overwhelmed - no-one here can judge/guage her reactions - you guys are the only ones who know how you feel, tho I imagine at the moment you don't know how you feel

keep taking those deep breaths and each day at a time - reassure the children as best you can and be as honest as you can with them

do what YOU feel is best for you to get through this raging sea so that you can keep your head above the water

you WILL get through this...


talk as often or as little as you want... try to keep talking if you can just so you get to say it out loud ...

take care

Good for you, as you do sound a bit steadier. Thing is, you don't know what has happened to your wife. Maybe you could change the gist of the conversation when you speak with her, and ask, "what happened?" so you have something to tell the children. Throw the ball in her court. Maybe she could start working on her own self.

well i am doing a bit better, but then again it can change in the blink of an eye. I have just stopped talking to her, and it makes it easier. she doesnt like that i ignore her, she actually came to the house tonight and i just . i didnt answer the door. Maybe she needs to feel what its like to have someone walk away. i'm being bitter now, but she created this mess! I am going to hold out as long as i can, one day at a time

Well another weekend down and still no better. She didnt call the kids, they had to call her, and then the one day her phone was off. The kids called her before school today and she said she was away all weekend. She then proceeded to yell at me about how wshe has been a mom for 14 years and that she just needs a break. Can any one tell me how a mother can just walk away from her children. How she can forget to call them and tell them she loves them. I dont get this at all. those kids had nothing to do with this and they are paying the biggest price.

I just happened upon this thread... while looking at different questions. I'm a mom. I know how your wife feels... it's so different... I was a stay at home mom for 3 years... choosing to leave the work world for my daughters.

My hubby worked constantly. I resented him for his freedom. I had to be a mom 24/7 and he got to be a dad whenever he happened to be home from work. I finally went back to work and boy did I have a blast. I left thehouse... stayed out at work, hooked up with ppl my age (at work)... I was tempted to start an affair after 6 years of togetherness but never did... why? Because I realized that it was the freedom of knowing someone else found me sexy!!

I had 2 children (your wife had 4), was out of a social loop for 6 years... centered myself around my family and my hubby... and when i finally went back to work it was like drinking too much at a bar.

The freedom is intoxicating... no more worries about kids... no more worries about the hubby... some other man actually finds me sexually attractive... he's flirting and making me remember what it was like to be courted (my hubby forgot that) there was something dazzling about having someone walk up and start a conversation that made me remember i'm not "Mom" or "Wife" I'm a -woman- an attractive, young woman with her own money and her own two feet who doesn't smell of baby vomit, who's life is on par, who's smart and entertaining and yes... sexy... not just to the man she sleeps with every night but to -another- man

Well, yes, I can relate to that too. My kids are grown and gone now, but I can remember my best friend and I saying this exact thing when my kids were about 4 and 2, hers were about 4,3,2,3 mos. I also had a good friend who left her family, just to live by herself.

Now, I would love to just raise another family. It truly is the best time of your life, having those kids around. Don't ever think women can't do both - work and be a mom. Wasn't there an old book written about a mom who left kids and husband for her great "love?" Anna Karenenia, I believe was the title. What a grave mistake she made.

Well, I've been extremly busy and havent been on much. Thanks for the replies. I have pretty much gotton over all the crap with my wife except for her treating of the kids. She doesn't call them, they have to call her. She doesnt always answer. My youngest sleeps with her moms shirt everynight and the the 2 oldest are getting physical at school and home. I have gotten them all into counsilling so hopefully it will help. Anytime i try to talk to my wife about the kids she seems distant and makes a big production about how she gets we all hate her and its all her fault and she doesnt appreciate the guilt trip. She has gone from being a great full time mom to a useless co-parent. She is only caring about herself now and no one else. She is losing the kids a little more each day. I allow her to have visitation at my house 2x a week so the kids can be home and usee the pool etc. Yesterday when she said goodbye and she loved the kids, all of them came to me and did not respond. How does a mom not hurt by that. My 12 year old told his teacher he hates his life. First his dad left and now his mom, hes afraid to talk to me in case he says something wrong and i leave. The kids are the only victims here. And she doesnt seem to care. My problem is i love her still and she knows it. My job has certain perks and i always let her have first dibs. Like she just got a new Ipod touch and a garmin GPS and stupid me i gave it to her. How do i get through to her about what she is doing to the kids, and how do i stop being so dam nice to her? Does anyone have any advice?

Hi Tank,

Firstly, I'm sad to hear of your situation - both for you and your wife.

Secondly, your wife is being deceptive with you about her affair, and about where you stand, and being so, she is also disrespecting you.

One of the most difficult things to understand in these sort of situations is that people always make the best decision they can for the circumstances they find themselves in. Your wife's decision might be a really bad decision, may hurt other people, and may have any number of other negative consequences, but that is immaterial to the fact it was the best decision she could make, for reasons she felt were valid.

That said - one of the biggest hurdles in the hurt you feel is usually 'how could she do this?'. So I would rephrase this and ask 'from her perspective, what valid reasons does your wife have for doing what she did, and what she's doing?'

You said that what she's doing goes against everything she's ever stood for, that she was always a stay at home mum, and that you were a workaholic, and 'shared' 4 kids, and had both her brother and her mother living with you...but now she's almost completely the opposite. What would drive a person do that? (by the way, there is usually not just one answer to this, but a combination of answers, including timeframe...small things can really build up over time in a persons mind)

You said that you had sex 5-6 times a week. Out of curiosity, was it always that way, or did it increase or decrease, and if so, when did the change occur?

What did your wife find interesting in life? What inspired her? What did the two of you do together to make your relationship grow? What does she hope for? What are her emotions needs? How does she hope (in normal circumstances) to have her emotional needs fulfilled? What makes her happy? What excites her senses (that may sound unfair, but everyone needs at least some excitement in their lives - think about it.). What does she say she finds interesting, and what does she say she doesn't like?

How much time did you put into your relationship with her compared to other activities/people - remembering that you put the most time into the priorities in your life (going to sleep in the same bed doesn't count in this equation)?

Lastly, when you got married you were both in the same place. You've spent many years together. Have you both grown in the same direction? Has she become a different person to you? (that's a compatibility question. Love doesn't guarantee compatibility, or that you won't grow apart).

Hope it helps in some degree.