i am so confused never thought i could love someone else

so do ihave to tell thewhole story in order to get some help

Hi, confused. We are a group of people from all over the world. Be patient, people will answer.

You don't have to tell the whole story, unless you'd like to, but some further details might help us understand your situation better.

well i have been in a marriage to a man for the passt seven years and we have 3 children we have been thru alot including at the begining we had custody of his 9 year old sister whom i have raised as my own and we have 2 children of our own we have been thru alot and he has done a lot of things to me many would say are unforgivable but i have chosen thru out time to forgive so i know i cannot hold it against him however now i have developed a friendship that has grown in to a love with someone else who in almost every way we have connected
well i was working two jobs me and my husband had been fighting more than ever i started to get frustrated it made it easier for our friendship to develp into more we thought oh this is just sexual tension and with everything my husband has put me thru more recentlhy i have a perm scar on my nose from a picture frame although the time before that was four years ago but anyway i though well he deseerves it but the joke is on us we fell in love

he doesnt want to break up our family and neither did i well push came to shove and i warned my husband if he didnt change i would leave well he has done a complete one eighty and is constantly telling me how much he needs me loves me adores me will do anything to make it better and would die without me but i still feel the same for years i have told him we are great as a family but need to be so as a couple he never like to go out he is a pothead so he likes to stay home paly video games etc but he goes to work every day and is a wonderful father now he wants to work on a relationship wiht me since iput my foot down but now its just harder for me to make a decision

Three kids in 7 years and also raising a relative AND working 2 jobs AND married to a video-playing pot head?

No wonder you are confused.

And very vunerable.

How are you going to make it financially without your husband?

Does this new fella understand that you will have 3 kids with you, because that's the package, you know.

There's a problem - no one can tell you what to do, because that depends on who you are : what your values are, what youre priorities are, what your emotional needs are, what your fears are, what your financial situation is, etc.

And even if you gave all that information, it would still be up to you to decide.

A few things to ask yourself :
-what do you need to be happy? (and can you receive them with your husband)
- are your emotional needs being met?
- do you feel safe and secure with your husband?
- are you growing together?
- how do you fight? (this is really important - that you know how to fight lovingly)
- what lessons are you both teaching your children about relationships? and do you want your children to learn those lessons?
- what value are you placing on yourself by doing what you are doing?
- has your self-esteem gone up, or down with your husband (in a healthy relationship, it goes up)
- do you believe people can achieve a major u-turn change? Do you truly believe your husband can achieve one? Can you achieve one (have you ever achieved one)?
- how many times has your husband hit you? Does his violence go through a predictable cycle? (google 'cycle of domestic violence')


Hope it helps some.

i cant honestly say he has a cycle and over the past years my confidence has shot fo r one i never had much confidence being that most of my life i have always been overweight most women in my family are so i was the the tomboy with all the guy friends and alsways had crushes but they never liked me so when i met my husband and he atleast didnt completelly reject me i did everything to make him love me he didnt have anything tohis name not even a working car i gave h8im everything i had literraly to when child protective services took his sister awAy from the mom they had to live with me bc they had no where else to go so i feel it was only cus he needed me and now he is saying he appreciates me but after so much crap how can i just turn it off. we dont have anything in common but the fact that he is a wonderful father he loves and takes good care of our kids when i am at work of course my 9 year old is not 17 and i have raised her to be responsible and she is a big help too we have a good family but i have fallen in love with my best friend and i never thought it could happen

no i havent grown with my husband i have decayed in these years of m,arriage i have met someone who like me wantts to travel and has goals and just wants to be with me and yes he will accept my children he has 3 of his own from 3 different women which is another reason he says he is not good enought half his income goes to child support but to me money is the most important thing i know i will work to take care of my family but if only my kids could see how happy this man makes me....the problem now that i put my foot down with my husband he is really trying to be that person for me but i dont thnk it matters anymore

see and thats just it he knew and at first it scared him and it still kinda does but he has fallen in love with me we both did against our will and he doesnt want to break up our family and do that to the kids but if i did make that decision onmy own he would be happy to be with my kids he knows their dad can give them more financially and to him that is important to me i would rather be happy and poor

Sounds like excellent advice, vikorr.

confused28, despite the obvious problems in your marriage, you are apparently basically happy with your family life, but would like to have more of a life with your husband as "a couple". Since giving your husband an ultimatum, he has verbalized more appreciation of you, but it doesn't sound as though his actual behavior has changed in other ways if he remains a pothead who spends his free time playing video games.

Why have you been so accepting of your husband's drug use? Do you think it helps to control his aggressive impulses? You say he is a good father, but do you think his behavior really provides a healthy atmosphere for your children? What kind of example or role model is he providing for them? How can he actually devote more attention to you, or engage in other activities with you, if he continues to smoke pot and spend his time on video games?

Your husband has to do more than talk about needing you, wanting you, loving you. He has to change his actual behavior and lifestyle. How would you like to spend your evenings with him? What do you want to do on weekends with him? What sorts of things do you want him to do? Is he willing to do those things? Do you really think he is capable of following through on doing those things, or is he going to resist or resent giving up his pot and video games to spend more time engaged with you? If he is able to devote more time to being a couple with you, will this really satisfy you and make you happy?

Given your marital situation, I'm not surprised you fell in love with someone else. It doesn't sound as though your husband was putting much into the relationship with you, and in the past he was abusive toward you. So, emotionally, your husband wasn't really satisfying your needs. Knowing you had a possible realistic alternative with this other man, enabled you to put your foot down with your husband, and that was a positive move on your part. At least you got your husband to notice you and realize he might lose you.

If you really don't want to disrupt your family situation, you should try to see if the relationship with your husband can be improved. This might be easier said than done. It really depends, in part, on how addicted your husband is to smoking pot and playing video games, and the reasons he has continued to compulsively engage in these activities. Are these his means of escape? Have these things become his main sources of excitement, satisfaction, and pleasure? It truly might be difficult for him to stop doing these things, and he might require some professional help--if he is willing to change.

My suggestion would be that you sit down and tell your husband exactly what you need from him, and exactly how you want him to change his behavior so that the marriage is more satisfying for you. And let him know you want to start seeing these changes immediately--not just talk about loving you, needing you, but actual behavioral changes in how he acts toward you. A good start might be spending evenings and weekends doing things together, even if it's only watching TV or going shopping, rather than the solitary pursuits he usually engages in.

Another suggestion would be that you and your husband see a marriage counselor to help you both work on making positive changes in your relationship. I also think you have to work through your past history of domestic violence. You need to know that this will not recur again, and a marriage counselor can help both of you to address this issue. I think it is important to get some outside help with this situation.

So, if you feel there is something worth saving in your marriage, give it a try, preferably with a marriage counselor. See if things are any different three months from now. If they are, you may well want to remain in your marriage. If not, you will at least feel you have tried, and you will have given your husband a fair chance to change, and perhaps you can separate peacefully with fewer regrets. And you can then resume your relationship with this other man.

I hope that this advice helps you to sort out some of your confusion.

yes you all are helping me i have always been the person who needs to be needed and that is what i have done from my parents fd up marriage when my dad told me at age 11 i dont love your mom i am only with her because we have no biblical reason not to be and i love god so the only reason for divorce is adultry in the bible so they have stayed together miserably for 31 years now. i was the emotional support for both my parents maybe not constantly but most times i have never had someone ask me what makes you happy are you really happy making other people happy and the 4 people that i have devoted to making happy has been my husband first because when i dont i knowthye kids see it and my 3 children yes she is just one of my children i love her to death and we are the only parents she has ever had she never had a mom who guided her and took care of her and loved her like i did i dont want to hurt my children bc all they see is the awesome dad they have since i had been working two jobs he had to spend more time with them but he has had to do in the last two months what i have done busting my ass for 7 years so i will be the bad guy if i leave i know i am a different person i am not even asking him to stop with the pot or video games i just wanted him to make a bigger effort with me now he is he is totally emotional cyring pleading with me to please forgive him for whAT he has done all these years and that he would die if he didnt have me now i feel like hes smothering me isnt that crazy its just he did this quickchange practically overnight and i am still mad how wrong is that ?

Do not, under any circumstances, change your life to accommodate a relationship with this man. Or it will be 4 with 4 quickly enough, and likely be 5 with 5 after that.

Cycloptichorn

and he knows his history but he has never been with a woman with children and felt this way he didnt think we would end up like this we didnt plan on this i thought i was just mad at my husband adn he was already my best friend we thought we could keep it simple he knows he cant give me what my husband can but loves me so much more than he thought he could and he has tried denying and we have tried pushin each other away but to no avail

You are working two jobs and your husband is smoking pot. Apparently he doesn't smoke it just once in a while, since you described him as "a pothead". Sounds like he smokes weed on a daily basis, like whenever he is home. How does he get the pot? Does someone give it to him as a gift? Does he buy it? Is he spending money on pot, to sit home stoned, while you are out working at two jobs? I realize that he holds a job too, but, if you need to work two jobs, why is any of the family income going to support his drug habit? And why don't you care about that?

Your husband hasn't really changed, not yet anyway. He just doesn't want his home life disrupted and he's pleading with you to stay put. And his crying and pleading is making you feel trapped because now you'd feel guilty about walking out on him.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be needed, or being the caring person who holds a family together. And you've been in that role for a very long time. And you get something back, at least from your children, that makes it worthwhile for you to continue doing that. From your husband, you are getting very little, and he seems to be off in his own little world with his pot and his video games. At least you feel he is a good father, and you are not describing him as being a terrible person.You simply have nothing in common with him, apart from the children, mainly because you have no real relationship with him. And, as long as he's sitting around the house smoking pot, it's unlikely he's going to show much interest in doing anything with you, like traveling, or going out to dinner with other couples, or developing a hobby the two of you could share, or going to the movies, or making plans for things in the future. Smoking pot regularly makes people more apathetic and less interested in doing anything--that's why people smoke it, to mellow out. And, if he's sitting around playing video games, he's not talking with you or sharing anything with you.

If you want to have any kind of real relationship with your husband, he needs to stop smoking pot and playing video games, at least for a while. You need his full attention, energy, time, and interest to be focused on you and your relationship with him. You need to start interacting and living as a couple. You put your foot down once, now put it down again and insist the pot smoking and the video games stop. I think you are not facing the fact you may be living with a drug addict--pot can be extremely psychologically addictive-- and you are enabling his drug habit.

You let people use you. You let your parents use you, and you've let your husband use you, as well as abuse you. It is likely you would let this other man use you as well, since I'm sure he could use your help with his financial problems. Someone who has three different children, with three different women, is not a good prospect for a long term committed relationship. Compared to your husband, he may seem like more of a soul mate, but his past track record suggests this guy doesn't stick around for the long haul. If you leave your husband for this man, you would only be trading one man with a set of problems for a different man with a different set of problems, and it is unlikely you will wind up any happier than you are right now.

I would try to work on the marriage first. Give it at least 3-6 months and go see a marriage counselor with your husband. You have invested years in the relationship, you have children, and it is worth trying to improve it. But I really think you need the help of a marriage counselor, or therapist, to address the problems in the relationship. Sitting down with a third person, like a counselor, will give you a much better idea about whether your marriage can be improved, and what both of you need to focus on and change. Your husband may have his own dissatisfactions with the marriage and he needs to deal with those too, and you have to be willing to listen to them. He is expressing a desire to change, and you should take advantage of that. Give him a final chance to make things better between you. You have nothing to lose by doing that. If the other man genuinely cares for you, he'll still be around in 6 months if things aren't working out with your husband.

Thank you. I am a 20 year old male and very enlightened. I thought it is the end of the world when you lose your love to a certain person. I think i still love the person when i was in high school because i kept dreaming of her. Somehow i found this thread and realized other people have larger problems than mine. Of course, may you overcome this and also mine. Thank you for sharing. There are so many things in the world to live for; family, friends, relatives, and lastly ourselves. We must love ourselves!.