here we go again

You did it!

People who pray will pray for those who don't. My extended family does it. I figure if it's not the main service, they are doing it more for themselves.

I am happy to hear your dad made some ammends - sure do wish he'd done it earlier, while your brother was able to better appreciate it. Do you feel he had motives other than to reconnect?

My father has made no ammends, he is simply re-writing history to portray himself as a loving/caring father while ignoring +20 years of his actions against his abominable gay son, just as he did my brother Bruce and myself. He was been sending emails to family and friends stating that any and all family problems have been caused by Lady Diane. (Diane has been closer to Charles than any of the above family and has never said an unkind word to my father. She did once ask him for any photos of any of us brothers while growing up and he told her he only kept photos of important people in his life.
There is a family blog written by a cousin that every post is a complaint about Charles the gay atheist and myself the atheist and how we have been a blight on the family.

It's amazing to me, how people that I know are assholes, and who I happily go for ages without contacting, can still manage to hurt me.

I'm sorry about your brother.

Just what you need right now -- more aggravation from your father and your family. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, on top of Charles's passing.

In my grief groups the NUMBER ONE source of anquish is the relatives.
I am finding this to be true. My deceased husband's sister is the "critical mother" type and now is passive/agressively demanding some items, i.e. table, mirrors, etc. I am at the one year mark now and don't want to even see her - or anyone else right now.

I say let others do their thing. You have already done the thing that your brother requested.

I hope that you can comfort his long-time mate by being a good listener. The hurt is overwhelming at times. The last thing we need is someone who tries to tell us how to do our grieving.

I wish I knew how to comment, but don't know what to say beyond the obvious. I hope Charles's mate will be all right.

You and Joe can do what Charles asked of you. That is your right, and was his stated desire.

Other family members can do what they want to do. That is their right.

We all have our own ways of grieving. I don't think anyone's way works entirely for anyone else.

Ditto Dys.



"making amends"....<snort>

I don't know how these things work but: did Charles put his wishes in writing? Did/does Joe have power of attorney or was he named in a will or other document giving him the right to make decisions re: Charles wishes? So sorry to hear you are dealing with all this stuff in addition to losing your brother.

Ah.... he's feeling his mortality? The amends he's attempting may be with his god?

they can do whatever they choose, I won't be there, Charles won't mind; he's dead.

I wouldn't attend such a disrespectful event either. Shame on them. And blaming anything...ANYthing...on Diane is sheer lunacy! Unfortunately, lunatics invariably have relatives.

Will Charles at least be cremated according to his wishes?

Why don't you go see Joe, and the two of you can remember Charles in your own way...the way Charles would have wanted. Considering the rotten treatment he received from so-called "family", he deserves at least that much. And so do you.

Much love to you and the incomparable Diane...

I think that's the crux.

Are you and his partner going to be able to do what he wished for separately?


You know, we (my friendship group and I) have been through this a few times already, and really, I don't give a good goddam if some folk need to deal with things through some religious ceremony. A few times they have made us cringe (eg when a friend suicided, and his parents, at THEIR funeral, referred to the woman he'd known for a couple of weeks as his fiancee, and made her a feature of the thing, when the three women he had had long relationships with {one of whom he married and had a lovely son with} were ignored...they sat together and held hands and we called them the three widders...but it didn't matter a fig, we held our own gathering afterwards, and did what David and his friends wanted...no harm, no foul, and of course we invited his last girlfriend, who had been terribly embarrassed by the references to her at the funeral).

Another time, the parents took over completely...would not let our dear friend's long-time lover near him once he lost consciousness, and snatched his body against his legally arranged wishes. (He knew what they would likely do, and tried to prevent it...but the ******* Catholic hospital ignored the law....)

She was DEVASTATED, but we all got together and arranged the farewell that he and she had wanted. There was no body, but, really, what does it matter? The person is dead and won't be hurt or affected by things.


I just hope you are able to do what is meaningful for you, and would have been for Charles.


Love to you, Dianne, and Charles' lover.

Oh hon, people do weird and mean things when in the grip of complicated grief.

I know you must feel angry and bitter, but I just feel sad for them, trapped as they are in their bigotry and inability to look themselves in the eye.

Give the midget a prize!

I hope you will be able to respect his wishes in this. Just you and Joe, doing as Charles asked.

Not an easy time.

won't happen.

Could you and your brother's partner not take something that was important to your brother, something very dear and personal, burn it and spread the ashes as he wished, in his memory?

If there is an afterlife, his soul has passed over. If not, his body, was just a shell for what was "him", and you should not fret yourselves over your father's actions.

Funerals are not for the dead, but for the survivors; it is their chance to say their goodbyes and perhaps search their own consciences and try to atone for past abuses and neglects. Sometimes gross hypocrisy passes for this. They cannot hurt him any more than they already have. Pity them.

Know that you both loved him while he lived. Celebrate that.