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I am in love with someone other than my partner

 
 
Reply Wed 31 Mar, 2010 01:10 pm
Me and my partner had been together for just under a year, when we started arguing and falling out. During this time, I confided in a close friend, he was understanding and gave me advice on the situation and I really appreciated. He had always been a good friend, but I'd never thought of him as anything else. Anyway a few months later, and he confessed that he really liked me, he said how he hated how my partner treated me and he just wanted to be with me. I was shocked and tried to keep contact with him to a minimum, but I missed him and began to realise I did have feelings for him. Things with me and my partner didnt improve so we broke up just after a year. I began talking to my friend again, when we ended up kissing, it was so amazing and felt so right and I was so happy. The next few weeks came and he barely spoke to me, he began making friends with my ex and I felt so betrayed, my feelings for him only got stronger, which I began to hate, and so I heard off other people, he began to hate me for the fact I broke up with my ex when he knew perfectly well the problems we had. I hated him for saying all this, but I still loved him. In an attempt to move on I tried speaking to my ex again and ended up getting back with him, but in a way its only worse because I feel like Im betraying my partner by loving someone else still. We talk sometimes, but its so hard, we've never spoken about the night we kissed or how he once told me how he felt. I just dont know how to get over him, help?
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Wed 31 Mar, 2010 01:57 pm
@lufoooo2,
lufoooo2 wrote:
In an attempt to move on I tried speaking to my ex again and ended up getting back with him


perhaps you could spend some time alone, without either of these people in your life

get to know yourself and what you need from a healthy partnership
sullyfish6
 
  2  
Reply Wed 31 Mar, 2010 02:45 pm
I agree. Stand up by yourself for a while.

You used another person, then was used by someone, and now are using the first person again to get back at the secone person who used both of you.

Too complicated and intertwined.

Break it all off and be your own woman.
0 Replies
 
lufoooo2
 
  1  
Reply Wed 31 Mar, 2010 03:12 pm
I agree, it is far too complicated, but I have feelings for them both. Just more so for the one I'm not with. I hate myself for it and to be perfectly honest I wish I could just break away from it all, but I dont want to hurt my partner, because right now, everyone's happy bar me. Putting myself first isnt something Im great at, and while they're both happy, I feel like I should just put up with it, and get over my friend.
CalamityJane
 
  2  
Reply Wed 31 Mar, 2010 03:30 pm
@lufoooo2,
Hello Lufoooo2,
you've gotten some great advice here and I chime in and say that you
should be on your own and work on yourself, get more self esteem and assess
what you want and don't want in a partner and go from there. You've gone
back to an abusive partner for the lone reason that your friend hasn't persuaded you into a relationship. Perhaps he had second thought, no one will know why
but using your ex as a stopgap isn't fair to either of you. You both deserve
better than that!
0 Replies
 
NickFun
 
  1  
Reply Wed 31 Mar, 2010 03:52 pm
You must be quite young if it only came to kissing. These are learning experiences for when you get older and the **** really hits the fan.
0 Replies
 
Finn dAbuzz
 
  2  
Reply Wed 31 Mar, 2010 05:14 pm
I don't know why we should assume that lufooo2 is a female.

It doesn't really matter, of course, but its interesting the assumptions we sometimes make.

I think it is important to understand what lufooo2 means by "partner."

The term can mean a lot and it can be thrown around pretty easily.

In any case, I agree with whomever has detected a level of immaturity in this tale.

I would ask lufooo2 whether he or she believes it is possible to be in love with more than one person at a time, and what he or she believes the commitments of a "partnership" to be.

He or she then needs to determine how the other parties involved would answer these questions.

Given all of the answers, avoid the course that harms anyone.
Ionus
 
  1  
Reply Wed 31 Mar, 2010 07:23 pm
@Finn dAbuzz,
Quote:
I don't know why we should assume that lufooo2 is a female.
That was my very first thought....I wonder what sexes we are dealing with here...3 people and we only know of one male.

You need to move away from both....emotionally and physically...try to find a different circle of friends....if you can afford it go on a holiday....emphasise family contacts for a while....in the absolute worst case scenario, consider moving houses or jobs...a new atmosphere is a great distraction from the past.
0 Replies
 
WendyLou
 
  1  
Reply Wed 31 Mar, 2010 11:32 pm
@ehBeth,
ehBeth. Give this a lot of time. Try to do things with your partner that will be fun and upbeat and cut all contact with the person you say you now love. The mere fact that he has not taken ownership of the fact that he kissed you after he told you he had feelings for you and then ignored you, shows that if you lived with him you would be treated very badly. If after you have tried very hard to make a go of your first relationship, then move on from both and learn from this. Hope everything works out for you.
0 Replies
 
lufoooo2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Apr, 2010 05:30 am
To clear everything, Iam female, the other two are male, sorry I was so hazy I just didnt want to mention names. Also Iam 25, the reason nothing went further than kissing with male 2 is because I figured if we were going to make a go at it we should wait. Obviously this backfired as nothing happened after this.
I'm trying to steer clear of both currently to try and think independently, but this is hard as I share a flat with my boyfriend and two other friends. I appreciate all of your comments and advice, but I still cant help thinking about male 2, everytime I see him I feel like Im being stabbed. I know that I cant be with him, and I want to get over him, and I hate the fact that I feel in love with someone who isnt even my boyfriend, but I just dont know how?
I love my boyfriend, he makes me laugh and Iam attracted to him, it just sometimes feels like theres something missing from our relationship
0 Replies
 
sullyfish6
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Apr, 2010 06:00 am
I love my boyfriend, he makes me laugh and Iam attracted to him, it just sometimes feels like theres something missing from our relationship

Money?
Intelligence?
Commitment?
Maturity?

You need to explore this . . .
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Apr, 2010 07:14 am
@sullyfish6,
...or your own issues with commitment?

Your comment about being more attracted to the man you're not with struck me. That also could be why male #2 is steering clear now.
0 Replies
 
lufoooo2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 5 Apr, 2010 05:38 pm
Male 2 knows nothing of how i feel for him now, as far as he knows, i just think the kiss was a mistake. Thats the way i want it to stay. My relationship with male 1 would be perfect, but the reason i feel like something is missing is because we dont have the same connection i had with male 2 and in all honesty, attraction has nothing to do with it. I really wish i didnt have these feelings for him.
I agree, my reasoning to getting back with male 1 was stupid and i shouldnt have brought him back into it, but i missed him too.
I did originally get space from both, i went travelling for about a month, but during this time, i felt like i just missed them.
Unless you have been in a situation like this, its hard to understand liking two people at once. Especially when you dont want to like one of them. I do not condone cheating, and i would never act with male 2 if i was still with male 1, but having these thoughts makes me feel bad enough, i just need to know how i can get over him so i no longer feel sad when i see him, when im with my boyfriend.
I know i sound like a bitch, and you're entitled to your own views of me, but we all make mistakes and you cant help who you fall for
hawkeye10
 
  0  
Reply Mon 5 Apr, 2010 05:44 pm
@lufoooo2,
Quote:
I do not condone cheating, and i would never act with male 2 if i was still with male 1, but having these thoughts makes me feel bad enough, i just need to know how i can get over him so i no longer feel sad when i see him, when im with my boyfriend.
You had the option of trying to create a situation were you could see/be with both guys, but since you have gone the other way your best bet is to cut guy2 our of your life. You should make it so that you rarely or never run into him.
0 Replies
 
lufoooo2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Aug, 2010 08:20 am
thanks for all your feedback, i managed to work things out with myself. i left both guys, its sad because ive been so close to them both in the past, but i know for their sake, and i guess for mine, theres less hurt without them in my life
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Aug, 2010 09:16 am
@lufoooo2,
Thanks for the update, it's always nice to get those.
0 Replies
 
juggalette
 
  1  
Reply Tue 24 Apr, 2012 08:33 pm
@lufoooo2,
what do you belive? Do u think ha hates you?
0 Replies
 
 

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