Is he really ready for this relationship?

This would happen even if there was a divorce or other separation. Of course he is going to give all his attention to this child. He does not see her that often, right? and she is a CHILD, $you are the adult.

If you are going to have a relaltionship with this man, accept that children from previous relationships are the leading cause of 2nd marriages failing. So get a handle on how you really feel about this. or get out.

Good for him that he can pay attention to a child.

I agree completely. I once dated this "man" who had fathered a child.

One time when we were out during the day, he mentioned, Oh I'm supposed to pick up my daughter (rather was) - he was already late picking her up and we were an hours drive away and he didn't seem to be in a rush. We were having a good time and he didn't want to leave.

I was ticked. Not because he had to get his daughter (which as I said he wasn't delaying any way), but because he was late going to get her and didn't seem thrilled about stopping his fun to fulfill his responsibility. The a$$ couldn't understand why I was upset.

Needless to say that relationship didn't last very long - I think you should appreciate his dedication. However, if it is too much baggage for you - then be honest with yourself and break it off. You may just not be ready with this sort of responsibility yet.

goingcrazy, I'm have to agree with the others. It sounds to me like you're the one with the problem and not ready for the relationship, not him. It takes a certain level of security and maturity to be in a relationship with a loving father.

Hello,

Firstly, please ignore the lack of empathy of the other posters. For the previous posters : children do need a lot of attention - They don't need exclusive attention.

It may be that this child is the one way he has to remember his ex by. Everyone grieves differently, and if this is an outlet for grief (or loving memory), this is one of those area's you are unfortunatelygoing to have to deal with delicately - for he has every right to grieve for as long as he feels grief, or a connection to her.

That said, you have every right to have your emotional needs fulfilled. You emotions are honest, though realise (as a generic statement) that many emotions are often misplaced (being felt for erroneous reasons, because the stories we tell ourselves lack true knowledge of the others motivations or intentions, or because we don't understand our fears or needs, or other reasons to - subject in itself).

It may be as the other say, that what you are feeling lacks maturity, or it may be that you haven't quite explained what is happening at home in a way that others comprehend. In any event, all emotions people feel are honest emotions.

Have you sat down with your boyfriend and talked about this? (rather than drop hints, no matter how numerous)

I am not lacking empathy - I am trying to be honest with her. She may not be ready for some one that has a child and the responsibility involved with that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not be ready - some people are never ready or ever desire to have children. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that - except if you try to force it - in other words if you are not ready or do not want children - then it is probably best to not have them.

She sounds as if she wants a family of her own as she stated so - but it also seems (of course I am just getting this from the small amount of what she writes) on the surface that she isn't comfortable with handling this situation. So if she isn't ready, then why become involved further?

Quoting,
Firstly, please ignore the lack of empathy of the other posters. For the previous posters : children do need a lot of attention - They don't need exclusive attention.

Get off your horse, vikorr, do not presume to lecture all other posters because you have some kind of psychology degree. I may agree with you, that there are explainable sides here and comprehension of what is going on with others is important.

Osso, Linkat,

It's true, I was, and am on my horse. Looking back, I see it was presumption on my part to ask forgiveness on their part. Perhaps I should have said "I'm sad to see the lack of empathy in the previous posters'

The lack of empathy part is accurate - the replies lacked acknowledgement of the validity of the OP's feelings.

That the OP's feelings may (or may not) be based on a false assumption, fear, not fully developed self-esteem or otherwise, is in the first instance, immaterial to the fact that she does experience those feelings.

Perhaps they will say they were trying to help, and I've no doubt a part of each of them was... but if they look at it honestly, how many posters can honestly say another part of them wasn't also 'irritated' when they wrote their replies?

I can. I can honestly say that I wasn't irritated in the least. Why should I have been?

Thank you for the replies but i do feel that some of you have never been in this situation. I have gone over and beyond starting a relationship with someone and they are involved with a child and the child is not even their child either. I do respect the fact that he is still in this childs life but when one day this person is holding conversations with you and then when the child comes around you don't have any conversation with them how would that make you feel? People are just seeing this onesided and believe that i should be able to express my feelings about how i feel. Not to say that i don't have problems because everyone has them. I basically feel leftout of his life at the times the child is around that there is no purpose for me to be around.I have nothing against children at all I love kids I have 6 nephews and 2 neices so its not that i don't like kids and if i talk to my boyfriend about it he will get defensive so i keep it to myself and it's eating me up inside so there!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds like you have answered your own question.

If he can't balance the relationship to your satisfaction then that's how it's going to be. If he gets defensive about your needs, then that's how it is.

This is a very common situation. Is there a step mom or other person in the same situation that you can talk to about this?

I wasn't irrated at all. As I stated before on the surface it appears that she isn't ready for this sort of relationship and there is nothing wrong with that.

What do you suggest instead? That she try to develop a relationship in which she isn't ready and then we all feel bad for her or to really help her and suggest she look elsewhere before she gets too deeply involved.

Well I was irrated with that old boyfriend at the time - but that was what - maybe 20 or more years ago so I am over it by now.

It sounds like he was in a serious relationship with this child's mother for a while -- it would make sense to me that he has deep bonds with that child even if there is not a biological relationship. Biology is not the only way to create deep bonds.

How often is the child around?

How old is the child?

What do you try to do to stay involved when the child is around? Do you attempt to continue to have an adult conversation with your boyfriend and ignore the child, or do you try to get involved at the child's level?

I don't doubt you love children and sound like a nice person - if you feel left out and your boyfriend won't change, then why would you stay with him?

How would not having a conversation when a child comes around - happens to me daily girl - maybe a little less now that my kids are older, but young children do require alot of attention and he probably is trying to make up a bit too for the lose of the child's mother.

And there is nothing at all wrong with you wanting all the attention - you should from your boyfriend - but you are not going to get it from him where this child requires his attention. So you need to decide for yourself - are you willing to give up all or most of his attention over the child's?

Sorry, but while there is nothing wrong with it, as in against the law or anything, it is a childish and self-centered attitude to have and there's nothing right about it either.

And I do know of what I speak imgoingcrazy, as i was in the same type of situation. In my early 20's, I dated a divorced father of a young child and went through the whole business of feeling jealous when the child was around also. And feeling quite a bit of shame about it because I knew how selfish and immature my feelings were. I think that's the difference here. imgoingcrazy doesn't realize that her feelings spotlight a selfishness on her part. She seems to think that her man is doing something wrong because he pays more attention to the child than her. In other words, she's in competition with this kid and that smacks of immaturity, no matter how we may try and dress it up. Now, there's certainly nothing criminal about that and it doesn't make her a bad person. Just an immature one who's not ready for a relationship with a man who has responsibilities outside of her need for attention.

In my opinion she has two options. Either get over it or move on.

ps-I have 3 stepkids, if that accounts for anything.

Not really - not when you are 20 or very young - then you should be a bit self centered. Another few years and then you grow up.

But I do agree that you should recognize that you are self centered. I think that is what I'm trying to say - if you are then so be it - but then you and a bf w/kids is not gonna work.

There are other paths than the two you suggested in the quote.

If you go back and read my first reply post, you will see what help I thought was prudent at the time of that reply - that being there are two parties to this, and one or the other, or both, may come to an understanding that may enable the relationship to work...or one or the other may realise it cannot work, and separate. It can go either way, so why would I have made a recommendation on whether she stay or go?

Except, not really.

If, for example, the child is someone her boyfriend sees occasionally (a couple hours a week say) and she is expecting him to continue to pay as much attention to her as usual even when the child is there, it's much more reasonable for her to check herself ("OK, I'm jealous but that's not fair so I need to get over it") than to just demand unceasing attention from this guy at all times.

That may or not be the case of course, but we don't know yet.

Hi Sozobe,

Unfortunately you've removed that quote from it's context.



Nowhere in there did I suggest she should expect to receive as much attention as usual from her boyfriend, nor do I see anywhere where she suggests that she expects this. Her complaint seemed to be that she received no attention at all from her boyfriend when he has the child over. Hence this statement from me :



As for this :



Notice that needs is italicised? Every person has every right to have their emotional needs satisfied. There isn't a circumstance I can think of where this is not the case - even in this case, both can be met (remember, I'm talking about needs, not wants). In any event where emotional needs are ignored for long enough...they find a way to escape, whether we will it or not...perhaps as passive aggressive behaviour, perhaps as bitterness, perhaps as just plain unhappiness, or any other form that it may take within us humans....but unmet emotional needs always find a way to express themselves. It's not just a right to have our emotional needs met, but a necessity.

By the way, just to clarify something Osso said - I don't have a degree in pyschology (though I have perhaps 200 books or so in my library relating to pyschology in one way or another)