Struggling to cope after 'confused guy' came into my life

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I am suffering from a broken heart and I am finding it hard to let go of the anger and pain. I was a happy, independent girl before I met this guy. We talked on-line as friends for a few months and then he asked me to meet him in person, all the time he assured me he was single and lived on his own.

When we finally met he appeared very interested in me and would call me or text me a few times a day and we went out a few times per week. About a month into this he tells me he is living with his ex as they co-owned a house but that she was moving out soon and begged me to give him a chance as he really liked me. A year earlier I was stuck living with my ex due to lease commitments but without feelings so I understood sometimes things aren't straight-forward.

We continued to see each other and he was staying over several nights per week. One day after we had told each other we were in love, he confesses they had been together for 6 years since university (he is 26), he had proposed to her but he was not sure he was happy so he broke it off and they had been separated for almost half a year but he was 'confused' about not giving it another try. In addition she would not be moving out as she got fired from her job, had nowhere to go and he had to stay as he was paying the mortgage. He said he was torn as he had fallen in love with me and that he was not in love with her but that he was unsure he could break her heart as she had told him she still loved him and he cared for her. He said he had no friends, was unhappy with his career choice and broke down several times crying. He was also feeling guilty not only about the engagement but because she had been accepted to do a Masters and he had asked her not to go for the sake of their relationship only to break it off afterwards.

He confessed he had never lived on his own and was very afraid. He said he was afraid that I would realise what a horrible person and how much better I could do and leave him eventually. I could tell he had insecurity issues as he appeared surprised when I touch some parts of his body that he said nobody including his ex would like. When we went out he would joke about covering me up so that other men wouldn't look at me but he would get paranoid if his texts were left unanswered for more than a few hours.

I tried breaking it off a couple of times which he accepted but each time he would freak out and assured me he loved me and would sort it out. I became paranoid and jealous which I had never been in any other relationship. I imagined them getting back together every time I didn't hear from him. He eventually told me they had spoken and the house was on the market. However she asked him if he was seeing someone and he denied it. He continued to be 'confused' and said it was hard for him going home each day to see her and face his guilt and that he had never been apart from her since they broke up so he was unsure what was what any more.

About a month ago he told me he had to let me go as he could see how much his indecision was hurting me but that I had to know how hard that was on him and how much he loved me. He said he had to figure out what he wanted in life without the thought of me in the background waiting for him to decide but that he wanted me to be his friend and not to cut out contact with him and that maybe some day it might be right for us to be together properly.

We have not seen each other since and the times when we have spoken he has said how much he misses me and thinks of me all the time. I told him I deserved better than him. Three days later I asked him what was going on with them and he said it was still difficult but it was getting better but he that had not lied when he said he thinks of me constantly. He even tells me he has had dreams of me.

I feel used and angry at myself for not figuring out what was going on sooner. He tells me he loves me but I honestly don't know if that was ever true. I don't know if he was ever confused or if there is such a thing. Part of me wants to think he does care for me but another feels like he always cared for her and I was just a way to fill a void. I must stress that I would never go back to seeing him unless he sorted this out once and for all. My main issue is with myself accepting what has happened, understanding what I meant to him. Please help me make some sense on this.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 6 • Views: 1,035 • Replies: 14

Ai yi yi.

Okay, here's what you do.

Leave this guy.

And, that's it.

Why, you ask?

Because he's playing both sides of the fence. He may not even be doing it deliberately. Let's give him every single benefit of the doubt that's out there and say it's not deliberate. But he's still getting security from having the ex around and security knowing that you're waiting in the wings. To catch him and save him from his loneliness and being by himself (and paying all his bills alone, I might add) if she finally is able to get outta there.

So go.

And if he comes back and she is out of his life, if you want to go for it again, feel free to do so, but recognize that this guy is more of a leech than a lover.

1 Reply

@jespah,

good answer...

too much drama there.

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Jespah is right. At 26, he ought to be able to tell the truth even if he is "confused."

I walked away from a guy once who was unable to live alone. But, this person knew it and was working on his dependency. I just didn't want to help him through his work.

I also was briefly involved with a man whose wife had left . . . decamped for Europe with another man. When the bloom was off the lust a couple of weeks later, she came back and he took her in.

Forget him. You are worth more than that. You said yourself that you were strong and happy before meeting him. This guy was a bump in the road and not a mountain.

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@Carmen1981,

confused=dead beat

Don't waste your time on this guy. He hasn't grown up yet.

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@Carmen1981,

Carmen, most of us have been through heartbreak. We all have our stories. I've got 4 real doozies myself. The first is always the hardest. It's a killer but you get through it and hopefully, you learn from it.

You want to make sense of it? Don't even try. Everything he told you could be truth and then again, everything he told you could have been a bold-face lie. He may have even been married to this woman, for all you know. He stayed at your place several nights a week? Who knows what lies he may have been telling her to accomplish that?

One thing. You should stop talking to him. Sever all communication. That's the way to move forward. Occupy yourself in other things and when you think about this and get angry, go on and get angry. Cry, scream, rage, whatever. As time goes on, it will get better, I promise you. But you should stop talking to him. He's your past. Not your present nor your future, if you're smart.

1 Reply

Quote:

I must stress that I would never go back to seeing him unless he sorted this out once and for all. My main issue is with myself accepting what has happened, understanding what I meant to him. Please help me make some sense on this.

This guy is incredibly heavy work. Not even a soapy would dare put this sort of drama on, because it would be too unbelievable that any woman would put up with it.

Some thing a lot of people don't understand - people aren't single faceted diamonds - we are all multi-faceted. So just because there are facets of them that you love deeply, doesn't mean that there aren't parts of them that will make you miserable...parts of them that are not compatible with your happiness....parts of them that, despite their good qualities, makes them poor relationship material.

The drama you've described, is deeply rooted, and very few people ever sort that sort of crap out within the next few years...it usually takes a LONG time.

That you have given yourself a clause to get back together with him 'if he sorts himself out' show a lack of respect for yourself, and low self esteem in this area of your life - he has been treating you with such disdain and disrespect over an extended period of time (since the point where the relationship became drama)...and despite any arguments you've had with him, you've let him, because you kept coming back for more. This isn't about him or accepting what happened, it's about you. It's about you knowing who you are and what you want...not from him, but from a relationship, and from life. If you know the answer to those last two, then you know whether or not you will ever be with that guy again.

You've now left, but in leaving yourself a get out clause to restart the relationship, you've put yourself in the position of 'if he presents himself as having sorted himself out, and we get back together, will he start the drama again'. That doesn't sit well with anybody. Even though you left, that escape clause will make you wonder 'is he all I'm worth?'.

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Thank you to all who have taken the time to reply. I appreciate the honest opinions left here.

I should have known something was wrong as he asked me if I would move in with him if he sold his house and started talking of what our children would be like or the things we would do together some day. I said I could only speak of moving with him further down when I was sure and then he tells me about his 'confusion'.

He has been convinced since day one I would leave him eventually. I have always been independent and live on my own, work hard, and am told I am not unattractive. Now I cry every day, have given up some of the activities which I enjoyed, and my friends say I have lost my spark.

I can't get him out of my mind and rationally I know this isn't right nor does he deserve it. The fact that he told me he was trying to decide between me and another woman he was living with played with my mind. We are not seeing each other now but I can't help thinking that he chose her over me, that I wasn't enough for him to put his past behind, that he thinks she is better than me. It has affected my self-confidence, I wasn't like this.

3 Replies

@Carmen1981,

I agree with all swimpy has said, and also see him as a manipulator/controller of singular ability. Agree with eoe on closing this out and moving on. Definitely agree with vickorr.

Start remembering yourself again. You can do it.

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@Carmen1981,

He's made a choice by making no decision. Be strong. He's not Mr. Right. He's Mr. Wrong.

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Carmen,

Change your phone number and your email addy. If you can take an early vacation, do so. If you have friends who live, oh, 50 to 100 miles away, ask if you can spend a weekend with them. Keep busy and try to be away from your apt as much as possible when not working. Take an adult education course. Join some sort of group that does something you enjoy, whether it is hiking or reading novels. Trust me, that sort of thing works wonders.

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@eoe,

eoe wrote:

One thing. You should stop talking to him. Sever all communication. That's the way to move forward.

I agree with everything you wrote eoe, but the above was going to be my exact response.

The wound isn't going to heal if you keep poking at it.

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@Carmen1981,

Quote:

I can't get him out of my mind and rationally I know this isn't right nor does he deserve it. The fact that he told me he was trying to decide between me and another woman he was living with played with my mind. We are not seeing each other now but I can't help thinking that he chose her over me, that I wasn't enough for him to put his past behind, that he thinks she is better than me. It has affected my self-confidence, I wasn't like this.

This isn't an unusual experience in people. When I come across these sort of reactions, I usually suggest people read 'The Art of Seduction' by Robert Greene. If you look up Amazon reviews you will find reviews anywhere from saying its the devils work, to it's the best manual on how to seduce someone...I found it entirely different to either - it was a very intelligent and articulate book on human weakness in the field of the ego, and the field of love. It's about how our weaknesses can keep us longing for someone that treats us like crap, and more importantly - WHY we keep coming back.

Basically...we all want validation from someone, and when we have an initial emotional investment, then vague rejection can lead us to want validation from that person as to our self worth...and this basic flaw takes a multitude of twists and forms within different people.

The one true remedy for it, is to know who you are, accept your fears and weakness, and be true to yourself always. As you become truer to yourself you start seeing your true worth. As you start seeing your true worth, ego and it's ability to be manipulated diminish...you just come to know that you make your life, and you go out and do so. People like thatwill no longer have a hold on you.

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@Carmen1981,

I might have done something childish tonight but I no longer feel sad or sorry for myself. He continued to tell me he misses me and I became angry as it is clear he is playing with me, he doesn't have any intention of seeing me. I found him on the electoral roll and included were his address and his girlfriends name. When he tried to tell me again he missed me I pasted his girlfriends name on msn and his address and asked him to confess all. He admitted they were back together since February and that he did lie to me. I found her in facebook and I e-mailed her to tell her the truth. I tried to not make it about her but this man is a lying, manipulative, cheater and everyone deserves a better partner than that.

It is not her fault but if I were her I would want to know. I know she might be hurt but he lied to us both for half a year almost.

I can safely say I no longer miss him. I feel I have taken back control of my life and nobody has a right to make me feel this way. I was stupid for allowing this to happen to me but no more. I am wiser for this experience.

PS. The Art of Seduction is in the post, thanks Vikorr.

1 Reply

@Carmen1981,

Unfortunately you can't take back contacting his girlfriend. But no, that wasn't a cool thing to do at all. We tell ourselves that we're doing her a favor but deep down, what you're really trying to do is hurt him. You're not happy so why should he be happy, right?

What's done is done. I hope that you will not contact her again. And I hope she doesn't come after you.

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Struggling to cope after 'confused guy' came into my life

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