@zhjuan,
I am also suicidal and had a bad childhood where I also left home very young. We have these things in common.
Do you have any happy days?
Have you thought about how you would kill yourself?
Sometimes I wish it was just a matter out flipping a switch like turning off the light. What helps me is somthing sombody told me once and it is this;
"Good days will come and come to pass but the bad days will also come and they to will pass"