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Can my bf be friends with another girl (an ex) and it not mean anything?

 
 
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 10:05 am
Everything seems great with my boyfriend of about a year. He's even mentioned marriage. He tells me all the time that he loves me. His friends tell me that he is crazy about me and lucky to have me. The other day I accidentally came across multiple conversations with another girl on the computer. It freaked me out. I tried talking to him about it without the specifics. He told me I was crazy and I was the only girl for him. Still not 100% sure, I talked to a female friend of his (his best friends gf), she said I had nothing to worry about. I waited it out but its still really bothering me. They still talk and he looks her up on things like Facebook from time to time. Can a guy be friends with a girl and it not mean anything or do you think he secretly likes her? What should I do? Please help!

note: this girl is a girl he worked with for about a year and a half and dated for about a month when they first started working together but it didn't work out.
 
OmSigDAVID
 
  2  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 10:11 am
@inLoveButScared,
inLoveButScared wrote:
Can a guy be friends with a girl and it not mean anything or do you think he secretly likes her?
If people do not LIKE each other, then thay cannot be FRIENDS, by definition.
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Gala
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 10:12 am
@inLoveButScared,
I think you ought to relax. Having a boyfriend is not a competition to find out if he likes you more than some other ex. I think you ought to scrap the idea of permanence and just enjoy having a boyfriend. If it works out between you, great.
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boomerang
 
  3  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 10:13 am
It means he's friends with a girl.

Would you really want a boyfriend that couldn't be friends with girls?

If you start getting sneaky and controling and accusing him of things then you will push him away. Would you stay with a boy who did that to you?
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parados
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 10:15 am
@inLoveButScared,
Quote:
Can a guy be friends with a girl and it not mean anything or do you think he secretly likes her? What should I do? Please help!


Being friends has meaning so being friends does mean something.
However, being friends with a girl doesn't equate in meaning to he wants to leave you for her.

Quote:
note: this girl is a girl he worked with for about a year and a half and dated for about a month when they first started working together but it didn't work out.
I think your note says it all. He worked with her and remained friendly for a year and a half after they found dating didn't work. They are friends. Obsessing about it won't change anything other than how he views you. If you want to drive a guy away, try to control who he can be friends with.
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sullyfish6
 
  2  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 10:38 am
It's about love . . . and trust.

He has a female friend. I hope he has many. I hope you have male friends.

If not, BOTH of you need to get out in the real world and meet other people.
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Thomas
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 11:00 am
@inLoveButScared,
inLoveButScared wrote:
Can my bf be friends with another girl (an ex) and it not mean anything?

1) By your description, she doesn't appear to be an ex. They dated for a month, then decided to be friends rather than a couple. Looking back from today's perspective, how does that make her an 'ex'?

2) Yes, a man can be friends with a woman without intending to sleep with her. Even if that woman is an ex.
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Thomas
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 11:16 am
@inLoveButScared,
inLoveButScared wrote:
Still not 100% sure, I talked to a female friend of his (his best friends gf), she said I had nothing to worry about. I waited it out but its still really bothering me.

I don't know how to put this delicately, but I strongly suggest you get over that. In real life, you can never attain 100% certainty about anything. You can, on the other hand, seriously turn off your boyfriend if you try to control who's allowed to be his friend. I know it would turn me off if I had a girlfriend who tried that. Although emotions like this are hard to control, I think you should try. You have little to gain from giving in to them, and much to lose.
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AbbieMcKenley
 
  2  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 11:25 am
@inLoveButScared,
Quote:
I accidentally came across multiple conversations with another girl on the computer. It freaked me out


Are you implying there was something in the conversation to freak you out, or simply that he spoke to her freaked you out.
In the latter, that’s ridiculous. If he spoke to a male friend a lot, would you worry he was homosexual?
Seriously, you've been together ages, chill out.
Quote:
He told me I was crazy and I was the only girl for him

Take his word for it, if he wanted to be with someone else, surely he would be?

I'm sure you're both fine, he has a friend who happens to be a girl, that's all. Smile
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inLoveButScared
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 04:00 pm
@inLoveButScared,
ok, let me clarify a few things... the reason it freaked me out was because it was kind of flirtatious and it was a girl I knew nothing about. He has other girl friends that I know about and I am ok with him being friends with them. If I didn't accidentally find out about this girl, I don't think he ever would have told me. I don't want to be that controlling gf at all. I have some guy friends and he's (somewhat) ok with that. I am very honest and open about my male friends.

Basically, the reason I am worried is because this girl seems to be someone he talks to a lot and never told me about it. When people hide things its usually for a reason!? Maybe I am being crazy... I just don't want to lose the best thing in my life.
AbbieMcKenley
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 04:11 pm
@inLoveButScared,
Someone once said "the tighter you hold onto someone, the more you push them away"

Well, they might not have, but it sounds like once of those quotes... I think i've heard it before...

Anyway; I see your point. Maybe he just wanted space. I doubt it meant anything.
Either way, from what he's said when you confronted him, it sounds like you have nothing to worry about, why'd he say that if he didn't wanted to be with you.
Unless he was scared of you....

http://nynerd.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/03/body_builder_chick_6.jpg

I advise that you mention you didn't like that he kept it from you, don't make a big deal of it, and drop it. Smile
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Thomas
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Jan, 2010 09:34 pm
@inLoveButScared,
inLoveButScared wrote:
When people hide things its usually for a reason!? Maybe I am being crazy

There's plenty of ground in between. If he dated her and it didn't work out, that could easily be enough to make her an uncomfortable subject. Doesn't mean he's betraying you with her.
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Carmen1981
 
  2  
Reply Sun 14 Mar, 2010 09:20 am
@inLoveButScared,
Just remember that they have been friends already for a year and half after they stopped dating without getting back together. He met you and has fallen in love with you during that time. The fact that they dated might have made it awkward for him to tell you about her.

I dated a work colleague for 2 months, broke it off and we are good friends now. I am also very good friends with my ex of five years. I can honestly say I would not get back with either of them nor do I feel any attraction but I do care for them and we get on well so it is possible to just be friends with someone you once liked or even loved.

The important thing is does he make you happy? Do you trust him? Has he done anything apart from being friends with someone he went out with a few times before he met you that makes you doubt him? If not then don't drive him away by not trusting him when he says you are the only one for him. The fact that his friends say he is crazy about you should be an indication of how he feels about you and talks about you with the people he trusts and are closest to him.
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HalloFranki
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Apr, 2012 05:22 pm
I think it's just the luck of the draw. You can't ever really tell these things. A lot of people on here will tell you that guys and girls can be friends and that's probably true in a lot of cases, but I ALSO think that in an equal amount of cases...it spells trouble.
I've seen too many of my lady friends get heartbroken because her dude fell for that "friend" at work, or that "friend" at the gym.

So, really, I'd just say -- tread carefully. Don't overreact, but be honest too. If you start to feel uncomfortable of their 'hanging out' habits, then be open about that, but don't be accusing either.
This happened with my boyfriend once. He has this lady friend at work...they hang out a lot. They're cubicle buddies, they eat lunch together almost everyday. At first I didn't think much of it, then I noticed how much they were hanging out to the point that he would ask if he could invite her out to our movie nights. (FYI -- my boyfriend and I live kind of far apart, so we only see each other once a week and on weekends. So, that one movie night per week is our pseudo-date night).
Then he started to tell me off hand about things they would talk about in emails. Needless to say, I was starting to get a bit uncomfortable. So, I was honest with my boyfriend. I said, "I'm surprised that you eat lunch with her every day, you guys hang out all the time at work and still, you want to hang out with her outside of work -- on our date night, no less -- this is not OK for me."
I told him I felt like we needed to set up some boundaries. Or, if he was feeling something for her, then I'd really want him to be honest with me about that, because I don't want to be the type of girlfriend who turns a blind eye while my boyfriend cultivates a relationship with another woman. Basically, I like things to be upfront.
I think he appreciated that I was calm and honest about my feelings. He still hangs out with her at work and such, but he has started to draw some lines (including not inviting her to our movie nights) and he is more reassuring in subtle ways to me about our relationship.
So -- really, I think my boyfriend and I are a good example of how something like this can be handled. I really think that if you are in an adult relationship, you should be able to speak clearly and calmly about your feelings with one another. You shouldn't be so afraid of overreacting that you just shut up...but you shouldn't be paranoid either.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Apr, 2012 06:00 pm
@HalloFranki,
psst..look at the timestamp. I wouldn't expect an answer from the original author of the thread. Notice this post was from 2 yrs ago. I think the author is no longer active on the website.

Nonetheless, you offer good advice. Welcome to A2K.
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