How do I deal with my EXTREME passive aggressive sister?

This is not an unusual situation. Many adults turn back into squabbling children when they get together. All the old "roles" come back to haunt us. My confident, strong, wonderful friend turns into a weeping little girl around her two older sisters. It's pitiful.

Some suggestions;
1) The OP can see her parents by herself at another time.
2) "Diffuse" the PA behavior from Sister with either humor or requring her to do nothing. She needs a position of power to show her tricks (even if that is to ask her to bring something or go to the store)
3) the parents should ask that everyone cooperate to have a nice day.

Good luck. This situation really shows its ugly face during the holidays.

I have a PA younger sister who ticks all the boxes regarding PA behaviour - obstructive, forgetful (on purpose), unable to communicate directly, always appears to be sunny natured (unnaturally so), never gets angry (not healthy), blames others (especially me), behaves like a victim, procrastinates on tasks, doesn't take responsibility and rarely follows through if asked to do something.

It's been really difficult over the years trying to deal with her and despite what one person said on this forum that sisters are a gift, I would happily give that gift away, as it's not true.

My best advice is to accept that a PA's behaviour is unlikely to change (whether it's a co-worker or family member) and the relationship that you would like to have as a loving sister is not going to occur. No matter what you try to do, this will not happen. It's hard, but what you can do is try to make the best of the situation as it is - their behaviour prevents that close relationship that you would, I imagine like to have.

Therefore, for you to keep some semblance of sanity, accept her behaviour, keep a distance emotionally, stay on guard (it's hard) and as I read somewhere recently some people are best served loving from a distance.

You are not alone. Tina sounds so much like my older sister, your description is unbelievably familiar. I have sought counseling for coping skills. It hasn't been any easier over the years. But I do find myself becoming a little less off balance by it. My sister and I are getting more and more distant and that makes me very sad but she is what she is. Both you and I share the challenge of trying to love our sister anyway! After all, we will be happier people when we walk through life with love in our hearts and it is nobody's responsibility but our own to make that our reality. Through the pain and difficulty our sisters have brought into our lives, perhaps we can learn the meaning of unconditional love. I have certainly not mastered it but I am going to continue to reach for that end. I have come to believe that life presents us with the lessons we need to learn. May we both be blessed with a grace of peace, harmony, forgiveness and acceptance. When your sister acts up, step back and look at it as though it is a movie and you are not involved. Ask yourself what the behavior has to show you. I intend to do the same as well as follow the same line of communication that you mentioned of limiting conversations and doing more listening than talking. And, in order to be true to self, I imagine the best thing is just to say "I hadn't looked at it that way, I'll give it more thought." Then let it go, if Tina is like my sister, it will never come up again and she would twist it all around anyway so think of it as a breeze, here one minute and gone the next. I hope my words help. It is a struggle I have dealt with for a life time. Good luck!

You are not alone. Tina sounds so much like my older sister, your description is unbelievably familiar. I have sought counseling for coping skills. It hasn't been any easier over the years. But I do find myself becoming a little less off balance by it. My sister and I are getting more and more distant and that makes me very sad but she is what she is. Both you and I share the challenge of trying to love our sister anyway! After all, we will be happier people when we walk through life with love in our hearts and it is nobody's responsibility but our own to make that our reality. Through the pain and difficulty our sisters have brought into our lives, perhaps we can learn the meaning of unconditional love. I have certainly not mastered it but I am going to continue to reach for that end. I have come to believe that life presents us with the lessons we need to learn. May we both be blessed with a grace of peace, harmony, forgiveness and acceptance. When your sister acts up, step back and look at it as though it is a movie and you are not involved. Ask yourself what the behavior has to show you. I intend to do the same as well as follow the same line of communication that you mentioned of limiting conversations and doing more listening than talking. And, in order to be true to self, I imagine the best thing is just to say "I hadn't looked at it that way, I'll give it more thought." Then let it go, if Tina is like my sister, it will never come up again and she would twist it all around anyway so think of it as a breeze, here one minute and gone the next. I hope my words help. It is a struggle I have dealt with for a life time. Good luck!

Some relatives are better left as is ---- distant.

Why would you spend one minute with someone who sucks the life out of you?

"If you are all adults".... what if the person in question doesn't act like an adult, doesn't tell you when they are mad, acts out when mad, tells other people they are mad at you, and if you confront them they say "everything is fine between you and I".. they blame you for being "mean" to them, will not forgive or confront you about it. doesn't understand that they have done things that hurt or bother you but that you have chosen to let it go and not make an issue out of it. there is no conversation about anything but things get tense... and other people see it but no one confronts the person because then they will withdraw further..

Aidan wrote: "But that's very different from a mother going to one of her children and saying, 'Your sisters and I have been talking about it (in other words YOU) and we've come to the conclusion that you do this and that and you need to change this and that...' No - as a mother myself, I would never do that to one of my children....NEVER."

Yet above is EXACTLY what my mother did to me with all my brothers and sisters, and the entire family! How horrible it's been for me... no wonder I had stayed away all those years. And now that she's gone, it's clear, with the advent of Julie's last words to me, NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO CHANGE, at least not in my lifetime. I'm 64 years old and she is in her 50's... why would she change now?

No wonder I've been so miserable about my miserable family all these years. Staying away for 30 years didn't help anything at all... they were just WORSE when I resumed contact (email and telephone) when my mother was on her deathbed. I was refused entrance then too, to continue to "punish me for my crimes" (telling on my father for beating and molesting me for years). He didn't go to jail back in those days, and I've been the "guilty party" ever since. She raised the rest of the children to hate me too.

It's so sad and it's too bad, but I have to accept it all.

Dear God please show me The Way.

What if being straightforward with your sister results in her harming herself or threatening to harm herself? I've spent 47 years treading on eggshells for this reason. I can't see any other way. I've lost friends because they got fed up listening and thought I should just be straightforward with her. They couldn't understand that being straightforward with her might be a life or death situation. I've been in and out of counselling since the age of 16 just trying to cope with her.