How do I deal with my EXTREME passive aggressive sister?

" Over the holidays all of our family were getting together quite often and if I had to call her to remind her to bring dessert or ask her to run to the store real quick, I could tell she would get bothered, but "acted" fine with my request."

Wait a minute.. who is being the controller? Often, passive aggression is a learned response for the weakest/weaker person.

It's absolutely a 'whole family thing'. Wacky family members behave the way they do because the family puts up with them. It usually starts as children, one kid is a bully, another is cowardly, another is a liar, etc. and it progresses from there. Parents want to keep the peace, and in most cases they're usually at the root of it all anyway when it comes to dysfunctioning family dynamics, because of wherever they stood in the lineup as children in their own family dynamic. And it just goes on and on. Generation after generation.

Every family is dysfunctional to some degree.

In Arlene 's family, from her post, I surmize that her mom is afraid
to antagonize Tina and, therefore, she has told her other children to avoid doing so.

Quote:

In Arlene 's family, from her post, I surmize that her mom is afraid
to antagonize Tina and, therefore, she has told her other children to avoid doing so.

The reality is - their emotions of the 'passive' person always finds expression...usually in that persons actions towards the 'difficult' person...though sometimes the passive person directs their feelings towards another person.

In most cases, the 'passive' person just doesn't realise what they are doing.

Quote:

In Arlene 's family, from her post, I surmize that her mom is afraid
to antagonize Tina and, therefore, she has told her other children to avoid doing so.

There is no such thing as truly passively copping abuse....it only appears passive on the surface...the payback escapes in other ways.

Passive people think they are being 'tolerant' of difficult people - they even believe themselves having the moral high ground for doing so...never realising the lack of honesty & integrity (pretending to feel different to what you really do), and sneaky payback (eg putting up a stonewall' / silently bitter distance etc from the other person...again lacking honesty / integrity..but with payback added) takes away any high moral ground they may wish to hold.

The reality is - their emotions of the 'passive' person always finds expression...usually in that persons actions towards the 'difficult' person...though sometimes the passive person directs their feelings towards another person.

In most cases, the 'passive' person just doesn't realise what they are doing.

The OP is a classic example of this. The problem usually stems from a combination of not knowing how to bring the subject up - which usually requires a combination of the right amount of caring, the right attitude, and thoughtful words....and the self esteem/belief/worth/sense of balance to do so.

The other side of passive aggressiveness...being agressive - flying off your handle and saying exactly what you want is much more honest...it's why such people are usually forgiven much more readily than passive-aggressive people - you know what you're dealing with when it's honest expression. Of course, those people can wreck relationships beyond repair with thoughtless words...and that's the problem...not the anger per se, but the thoughtless words, the lack of empathy they usually display...you can be angry, express anger, and still show empathy, understanding, and validation...it just takes a lot of guidance and skill to go down that path. If you search hard enough, you can find the answers yourself (in books...it's unlikely to just be an epiphany, though it might come that way)

David, that is always a possibility, and it is also a minority situation.

In some cases, the passive-aggressive person believes that it is intolerably dangerous to express himself openly & with candor.

True...but you are still talking about intolerably dangerous situations (while trying to now make it just 'dangers')...and I am, and have been stating...intolerably dangerous situations are the minority.

I don't see why you keep trying to poing out that dangers come in various forms - that is a given.

Some of those dangers r of a quality
that one is not willing to tolerate.
Its a matter of personal choice.