'Sex addict' boyfriend & a bad break up...

Reply Sat 26 Dec, 2009 11:22 pm
Oh lord I don't even know where to start. I met my boyfriend three years ago at a concert, where his band was playing. He is a drummer. We hit it off very well, but I had plans to move to Portland (6 hours away). I made the move, and figured the summer fling would die. I offered him to come see me in Portland, and he did. 4 times total in six months. He was sweet as could be, kind, respectful, would sing and play guitar, just absolutely swept me off my feet.
I moved back from portland, and continued seeing eachother for 6 months before moving in together in a little house on the beach. I joined his band playing the saxophone, and it was seriously a dream come true. I thought.
The first red flag was the porn. He loved watching porn, and I went along with it for awhile, and then it started to piss me off, because he would be watching the girl on the tv and completely ignorning me! I could have not even been there! He also was watching it all the time behind my back, he also ordered it off the tv, which racked up quite a bill, and he would send girls messages over myspace telling them how hot they were (girls he and i both know!) So I got upset, and said it was me or porn. He picked me, he deleted his myspace account, and things were good for awhile again.
Until the 4th of july, where he got drunk, and ended up hitting me, and we both went to jail. He punched me in the face and my nose still crunches a little from it. So, after that, I had feelings that this was definitely not who I should be with.
But I'm a girl, and I'm stupid, and the countless days and nights of laughing, playing, giggling, sharing, cuddling, talking, cooking food, playing games, getting a kitten, playing music, reading to each other...It seemed perfect again.
We recently moved south so that I could finish college, and we had only been living in our house 5 months when one morning a detective called his phone. He wouldnt tell me what it was about, and was really sketchy, so I knew he was hiding something. I called his mom to ask her, and she told me it was regarding phone calls, to numerous girls in own hometown, and they were sexual, lewd messages, that these girls were receiving ALL the time.
Turns out the girls were two of my cousins, and two of my friends. They changed their numbers, but he got them out of my phone. He would block his number so they didnt know it was him, and he deleted the calls out of his phone to not leave any trace.
He would call them while I was at work, school, or even sleeping in the middle of the night. I was furious, and hurt, and this had been going on for ten months behind my back. We lived together for two years, and I never thought it would end this way. One of my cousins ended up going to the police and filing a report, and they soon found out who it was. He is now facing up to a year in jail for obsessive sexual harassment, fines, he lost me, he lost the house, and he lost his job. His family is embarassed, and he is embarassed.
It has been about two weeks since this all happened, and I am going insane. He grew up in a very absuive house, he witnessed his mother and father fight, hurt eachother, and cheat on eachother. He grew up around illegal firework trafficking, drugs, and just all sorts of bad things, especially for children. He seemed to come out of it a decent man, but, the most frightening part is that I lived with someone, and loved someone, for so long, and I didn't know them at all. At least that side of him. I didnt have any complains about our sex life, and I was happy he had stopped watching porn. Little did I know, right about when the porn stopped, the calls began.
The hard part now is deciding where to go from here. I will never be able to get back with him, after what hes done, and not because I couldnt forgive him, but because I would never trust him. I just don't know what to do with myself. He was my life. We had a great life for the most part. He had issues in the past, he may have been molested at a young age, he was suicidal as a teen, and obviously is mixed up and needs some help!
Part of me feels bad for leaving him at this time, I mean, its all out in the open now, and if we were married, I would get him therapy and try to overcome this. But, I feel like, that would be the stupidest thing I could ever do to myself. He doesnt love me, even if he did sometimes, he didnt 100%, and he would prbably just do it again.
I'm a great looking girl, I'm 20 and I'm blonde and not overweight...I was an extremely devoted girlfriend, too. Inever lied or cheated, I cooked, cleaned, and had my whole life revolving around him. Its messed up, now, I see, but I thought that we were living the fairy tale life...

I love him, I hate him, I'm hurt, I'm depressed, I'm alone (no real friends, I'm kind of a socially anxious person) and I'm stuck mulling over all the good times and wanting to text him. But seriously. What a scum bag to be calling my family and friends and beating off and whispering dirty things. I'd like to remove his balls from his body, but you know, that would involve getting near his cheating lying balls.

Men out there, why can't I find a good one of you? All I want is someone to love and be loved by. And if you don't grow out of the girlie mags by the time you're 19, 20, somewhere in there...you are not a nice man and you do not respect women or the nice girls that arent in those movies. I will never date a man who enjoys porn, ever again. I would love to find a nice man who agreed porn was gross, and much more of a turn-off than on, and a man who loved me and all the things I can do Wink and if i can not find a man like that, i would prefer to be alone. FOREVER.

Yeah, I'm very depressed and this was a much longer post than I expected. I am so psychologically abused, I havent slept since it happened. I try to sleep, but I just have nightmares. I contacted a therapist, and dunno what else to do in the mean time besides go nuts.

If you made it this far, thanks! I'd love to hear what you guys have to say.
Reply Sat 26 Dec, 2009 11:50 pm
welcome to a2k.

(i've got a crunchy nose, too...)

stay away from him, and get someone near you that you can trust to talk to.

(therapy sounds like a good plan when you can)
Reply Sat 26 Dec, 2009 11:56 pm
Thanks for replying! Yeah - finding someone I love and trust is the hard part. My family doesnt really know the extent of the situation at hand, and my friends don't really want to hear about it. So yeah, therapy is the next step...Thought I'd try a2k too Smile Thanks again though.
Reply Sun 27 Dec, 2009 12:05 am
most of the really helpful folks are sleepin' or elsewhere right now. it's kinda late on a hollyday weekend and all.

I don't sleep so well either.

lotsa times I try to meditate a bit prior to taking a shot of cold medicine, then cuddle a cat.

stick around, and good luck...
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Reply Sun 27 Dec, 2009 12:56 am
I'd say ditto to the therapy. And once you get there, don't edit yourself, just let it flow. Having said that, I'm obligated to make the "it seems rough right now but a little time and a little distance will help you find some peace" statement.
I know I always used to roll my eyes when someone said that to me but it is true. Beyond that, don't blame yourself, their are some perfectly charming scoundrels out there. Good luck with it all and welcome to A2K.
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Reply Sun 27 Dec, 2009 02:06 am
Vq2010 sorry you are having problems with my sex but at least you found out before marrage and or having children with this gentleman.

I would strongly being very firm about cutting your losses here as the porn is one thing the sexual harassment is another!

Second this harassment being aim at your friends is also not a good indicator to say the least.

Take care and you sill find a good guy sometime as it just take a little more time then one would wish for sometime.

Myself, I found my soul mate after posting on CIS, a pre-internet computer network, my low opinion of womankind in general after having a fight with my then current girlfriend and getting one hell of a reply back from my now wife,

Once more just count yourself very lucky that you found this out before having children with him and thereby tying your life to his forever.

PS I did not read all your posting that carefully and did not see the part about him hitting you that alone a deal breaker or should be in any relationship.

Do not take him back repeat do not take him back and good luck.
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Reply Sun 27 Dec, 2009 07:47 am
All I want is someone to love and be loved by.

You've got to want more than that. Especially if you're mistaking this past relationship for love.

Walk away (fast) from this awful person. You can't "change" him. Don't text him, don't call him, don't respond to his texts/calls/emails/anything.

Forgiveness is grand so forgive him if you must, just don't get back together with him. Use forgiveness to set yourself free.

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Reply Sun 27 Dec, 2009 08:03 am
Sorry to be so blunt, but

No healthy woman would have stayed with this guy.

Get yourself better in therapy.

Because you will only choose another loser if you don't find out why you stayed with a man so sick and emotionally not avialable.

Reply Sun 27 Dec, 2009 10:05 am
I think you might be being I little hard on the woman to the point of almost blaming the victim.

First abusers are great at playing mind games and she is young also.

Yes, she should had walk long before she did however I seen must older women that got trapped into relationships with abusers even worst then the one she had posted about.

I will however agree one thousand percent she should have zero to do with this man as he will only get worst not better as times go on.

Second once warn she should now be on the lookout for the signs of an abuser looking for his next victim.

A fast google search will give her links to those signs.

This kind of information should in fact be given out in high school to our young people.

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Reply Sun 27 Dec, 2009 10:11 am
Here is a few things to be on the look out for in the future.


1. Unemployed or Underemployment. Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations. Educational and occupational attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher salary.
2. Emotional Dependency. Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.
3. High Investment in Marriage. Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.
4. Boundaries. Violates your personal space. Intimidates you by getting too close. Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.
5. Quick Involvement. Sweeps you off your feet. Love at first sight. "You're the only one for me." Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged or living together in less than 6 months.
6. Controlling Behavior. Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares." Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school.
7. Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.
8. Abusive Family of Origin. Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.
9. Low Self-Esteem. Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho. Imagines you threaten his manhood. Damages your self-esteem, demeans you growth, demands your silence.
10. Alcohol/Drug Abuse. Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high. He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.
11. Difficulty Expressing Emotions. Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry. He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.
12. Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems. Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive behavior.
13. Hypersensitivity. Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.
14. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.
15. Unrealistic Expectations. Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need"). Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.
16. Rigid Gender Roles. Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him. Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs. Speaks for you. He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.
17. Rigid Religious Beliefs. Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.
18. Disrespect for Women in General. Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men, tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes). Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bitch") or as specific parts of anatomy, de-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.
19. Emotional Abuse. He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.
20. Isolation. An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car. He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."
21. Reliance on Pornography. Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives often have an abundance of pornographic literature, photographs, magazines, or videos. They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.
22. Sexual Abuse. Refuses platonic relationship if dating, uses "playful" force in sex, uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into having sex, coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex, demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.
23. Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others. Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, weaker people or other women. Is insensitive to other's pan. Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you. Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave. Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you. Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).
24. Past Violence. Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).
25. Fascination with Weapons. Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others.
26. Threats of Violence. Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck."
27. Breaking or Striking Objects. Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."
28. Any Force During an Argument. Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning. This cycle of violence is followed by a "honeymoon" period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense, and will not stop on their own.

Reply Sun 27 Dec, 2009 03:22 pm
Thank you to everyone for your advice and input!
I will never get back with this guy, and I'm definitely going to be waaaay more wary before ever dating again, and especially ever giving my heart away again.
With some time and some therapy, I know I'll come out of this. I'm continuing school in a different town, and slowly working on putting it all behind me.

Not to say its easy, though, I have my weak moments where I do miss the good times.

As for him, he has also gotten himself a therapist, and is going to get the help he has always needed. However, even though I'm not involved in his life anymore, is there much help out there for people like him? I know a dog is a dog, but if someone did want help, whats the best way to go about it? Are the success rates pretty poor? I refuse to keep in contact with him, because I do not trust that he truly will get better, I only trust what he's shown me -- lies and deceit. But I do have hope that someday he can lead a decent life, and not repeat the same mistakes to other women.

Thanks so much you guys.
Reply Sun 27 Dec, 2009 04:18 pm
VQ2010 I do not know if anyone here is more then a layman however from just a layman viewpoint, of someone who had been around for 61 years ,I never had known myself an abuser who had change or even in his heart truly wish to change. Legal pressure and a desire to win a relationship back will have them talking a good game however.

They are still the only real person in the universe and others are just tools to be used.

The net and google is a wonderful resource and by looking at medical sites you can find many research papers on the issue.

Here one study just one to start with.


Your best course of action in my opinion, however is just to wish him and more important any woman he form a future relationship with good luck and then keep far far away from him.

Reply Mon 28 Dec, 2009 10:58 am
You've been given some very good advice and I am glad to hear the strength in your words that you will not return to him.

I'm of a much older age and it took me quite a while to realize I was in an abusive relationship. Stay strong and committed to doing what is best for you.

Do not just settle for someone who loves you and who you can love back. Look for a man who makes you want to be the best you can possibly be. It may take quite a while for that happen but you are young and you will find someone. For now, take care and work on building trusting and loving friendships.

Oh and from one to another, I give you **big hugs**. PM if you ever just need someone to vent to.
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Reply Mon 28 Dec, 2009 08:48 pm
BillRM was exactly right when he said:

"...No healthy woman would have stayed with this guy. Get yourself better in therapy..."

It's better to be blunt sometimes to drive home a point that someone is avoiding.
As I read her initial post I thought: 'Oh, ****! She's talking herself into going back with that guy!'
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Reply Mon 15 Feb, 2010 02:22 pm
That's enough to get anybody confused Bill. Whoever wrote that was trying to make out they are the Archangel Gabriel. How boring life would be if everybody went about with that lot in their head. I'm surprised that warnings of stepping on cracks in the pavement or not passing someone on the stairs wasn't included. Or having two fangs.

And what pray does having a high investment in marriage turn out to be found in such a list. What man does not have a high investment in marriage at the time he stands before the priest at the altar and he's getting this virgin (chick) into his bed tonight who blushes when she says "I do." Or "I will" And her Mom having shown her how to cook, and sew, and make flowers grow with a pride she is now getting an appreciative audience to justify. Anything less than that and you're soon into having a low expectation of marriage.

The man with the high expectation of marriage can be expected to replace such a lady as quickly as possible. Who wouldn't?

Our threadmistress went for a young lad, presumably good-looking, who played drummer in a band. And she's at a gig surrounded by young chaps who work at the butchery or the bakery or the candlestickmakery. Doesn't that speak volumes? He even stops watching porn at her request and it might be watching porn that gives him that animal madness to be a drummer and which has attracted her to him.

And, at the tender age of 20, she's scooting the coop to somewhere 6 hours away. And a self-confessed looker.

I'm not sticking up for the guy here. But I think I have half an inkling what it must be like to be looked up to by adoring teenage girls who are in competition with each other over who gets who. On the road. Not up for being put in a corral just yet. Resentful at losing the battle over the porn when porn is being pumped out in the best hotels all round the world and books are written about some of the pornstars, a few have been on TV being interviewed about what it's like to be a pornstar and one or two are in the language itself. A tenth of an inkling might be better. I don't think Bonnie would have objected to Clyde watching porn.

I feel fairly confident that our little drummerboy was the prey first. Alas!! We men are often unaware of it.
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Reply Mon 15 Feb, 2010 03:07 pm
"Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start all over again"

That's the American girl isn't it. Jerome Kern.

Think of your advantages. You're 20 for goodness sakes. A good looker. You have had a lesson that many another young lady has had who was swept off her feet by a travelling minstrel. And you write quite beautifully. From your point of view I mean. It's hot writing.

Would you deny that your troubadour was your prey before you were his?

I'd swap with you anytime. Not that I advise you to.
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Reply Tue 16 Feb, 2010 05:24 pm
after working in the corrections field as a probation couselor for over thirty years I think that there are some people who legitimately change. I'm not sure you can predict which ones will or won't change but I'd say a fair number of them "grew out of" anti-social behaviors (lack of better word) with proper counseling and support (sometimes of the tough love variety).
Reply Tue 16 Feb, 2010 05:31 pm
great post and welcome to A2K
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Reply Tue 16 Feb, 2010 05:46 pm
Why do you think that pan? It was a load of well washed cliches imhaho. It meant nothing in this particular case and was spectacularly badly written. (see "lack of a better word" )

It had no intention of helping our damsel in distress and was nothing but a corny method of informing us all that the writer has worked in the corrections field as a probation couselor (sic) for over thirty years and is thus a person of great importance.
Reply Tue 16 Feb, 2010 05:56 pm
Why do you think that pan?

I was being gracious spendi, welcoming a new poster

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