Why do YOU think he was jealous?

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I dreamt about a guy last night from many years past and the dream brought to mind a question I've always had about him"
It was 1984. I'd broken up with my good-for-nothing boyfriend and started hanging out with this guy, a professional peer, who had recently broken up with his girlfriend. We commiserated as friends, stroked each others ego and bouyed one another up the entire summer. While our relationship remained strictly platonic, I started falling for him and began making flirtatious overtures, to let him know that I was interested. He certainly picked up on my new vibe but he didn't make any moves and I was quite disappointed. But then my ex-boyfriend returned, we got back together, and all of a sudden, my summer friend started acting jealous and possessive and we eventually severed our friendship because of his behavior. I never understood where he was coming from. I'd made myself available to him completely but he didn't take me up on it. It seemed he preferred us to remain only friends. So why was he so jealous when the old boyfriend came back?
This is just one of those questions in my personal history that's remained unanswered. We all have them, I'm sure. So let's speculate. Why do YOU think he became jealous when the old boyfriend returned?

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@eoe,

Hmmm..

I had a good friend in high school... absolutely gorgeous, sexy as hell, but I didn't think I was his type and I didn't want to start a relationship with him. He was too into drugs and a violent subculture. I didn't think a relationship would be good for us or would last, and I didn't want to do something brief because he was a really good friend and I didn't want to lose that. So even though I was very attracted to him (and it later developed that it was mutual), we didn't ever get together (came close, backed away each time).

I'd get very jealous when he had a girlfriend, he'd get very jealous when I had a boyfriend (one boyfriend broke up with me for that reason). But we stayed in denial about it and just kept on until I left for college.

Anyway, could be that dynamic -- he valued your friendship, didn't think a relationship would work out for whatever reason, didn't want to trash the friendship for a brief physical fling, but was definitely attracted to you.

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@eoe,

He might have been jealous or possessive of your time- which would have to have become spread a little more thinly. When neither of you were attached, you could spend a lot of time with him, but when someone else entered the picture that changed. Maybe if he'd met someone romantically at the same time you did and had someone else to do stuff with whenever you were out with your boyfriend, it wouldn't have been an issue.

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@eoe,

Men are weird.

They want to be in control of the situation. He might have backed off from you because you were making it known you were interested and it wasn't him, the guy making the overatures. He probably got scared, especially considering some men get really threatened when a women expresses her sexuality or intention of being interested. Men like to do the chasing.

As soon as you were no longer available, only then does he become jealous. At that point he really had no control.

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One thing I should mention is, he was a photographer and I was in a position, as an art director, to hire him. I always thought that might have had something to do with his reluctance to get involved but, in the end, our friendship soured to a point where I never hired him again anyway.

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Gala, I know what you mean. Even after being married for 15 years, I tell myself that"men are wierd!" and just let things go. Laughing

Aidan, I definitely thought about the time issue.

Soz, I hope you don't mind me throwing this up again but, you're talking high school while in this case, I was 30 and the man, if I remember, was in his 40's. Old enough, one would think, not to get all twisted around like the kids you described. But you never know, huh? Some people respond to certain situations like children their entire lives.

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You have made some assumptions about his feelings. Let me offer some other views.

He may have processed the flirting - but needed more time or even confirmation. Some guys are deep thinkers like that. Men think differently than women.

Or he may have felt you were insincere. Since you went back to the BF, then he may have resented the mixed messages.

In any case, too bad you didn't get the the real reason. It's all guesswork now. File it in your "what if" drawer. Lesson to teach our daughters: say what you mean and mean what you say.

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I'll toss in another thought. He might have felt that you going back to the old BF was not good for you. If the old BF didn't treat you right or you vented to him about how old BF was bad, seeing you getting back together might have been really galling. I had a great friend from college that kept getting back together with a guy who was clearly bad news and every time, I read her the riot act. That was twenty years ago; he's gone, she got a great guy and we're still friends.

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@eoe,

I think every male in the world had been rejected by a woman he is interested in because she had pick instead a worthless bum.

If bad enough to be rejected by a woman for another man who is at least your equal less alone for a man that is far below you in all respects. We therefore tend, after being burn once to keep alway from falling for women who are bum magnets for that very reason.

Now when by your own words your good for nothing boyfriend return to your life and your friend begin to act jealous the sane thing would had been to take said friend to somewhere in private to inform him that if he was interested in you that you would kick said worthless boyfriend to the curb.

Instead you kick your friend to the curb and that tell me that he was 100 percent right in not starting a relationship with you even if he did indeed have feelings for you.

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@BillRM,

"Instead you kick your friend to the curb and that tell me that he was 100 percent right in not starting a relationship with you even if he did indeed have feelings for you."

It's really neither here nor there at this very late date but it's obvious that you didn't read the post or something didn't register for you because there was no rejection by me, nor did I kick anyone to the curb for anyone else. I must say tho', it's a bit silly to be so judgmental over something that happened over 25 years ago, don't you think?

Engineer, I'm sure he thought that going back to boyfriend was not good because I sure did cry on his shoulder enough about him.

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@BillRM,

Quote:

Now when by your own words your good for nothing boyfriend return to your life and your friend begin to act jealous the sane thing would had been to take said friend to somewhere in private to inform him that if he was interested in you that you would kick said worthless boyfriend to the curb.

Instead you kick your friend to the curb and that tell me that he was 100 percent right in not starting a relationship with you even if he did indeed have feelings for you.

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A2K has become so boring lately, I started this thread merely for fun. I hope it can stay that way.

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Come to Jamaica with me Smile

We're here for another week, come on down!

Boyfriend issue - I have no idea. Sorry!

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@eoe,

Quote:

A2K has become so boring lately, I started this thread merely for fun.

You said it, sister! I'd take up Mame's offer if I were you.

When you break up with someone and you've got someone who will listen you say a lot of awful things about the ex. So maybe the guy wanted to get back with his former girlfriend, but the option wasn't open to him?

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@eoe,

Key Phrase: she went back to the old boyfriend.

I can't tell the number of times I have listened to a woman while she cried her heart out over her lousy boyfriend or her lousy husband. Sometimes, we were friends and we were at a restaurant table, sometimes they were co-workers and we were at a job and sometimes, even if we we just friends or co-workers, they were next to me in a nice, warm bed.

Didn't matter. Always the same sad stories. (bad dog, cheater dog, druggie dog, mean dog, non-communtative - non-supportive dog, ummm... gambler dog, lazy dog,, you get it.) In all but about two cases, they all went back to hooking up with said pooches and,when asked, they all had really good excuses.

But it was always the end of things for me. I am not going to stay around anyone who is too thick to listen to their own sad story.

Because after the bad dog, lazy dog, druggie dog and she break up again, she will come looking for me and I've already heard the story.

That's why women have girlfriends. Girlfriends will listennnnnnnnn.
over and over and over.

Joe(and never tell you, "Hey, break the chain.")Nation

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We live and learn, Joe. I learned that very lesson from my involvement with this particular dog. If you're just going to go back to him (and I went back to this man several times), be careful about dissing him to your people.

I've got a relative going through this same thing now. She badmouthed a man to her family, broke up with him, but then took him back. And now she 's hurt because her family hasn't welcomed him back the way she did. But at least she realizes why. She blames herself for talking too much.

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@Joe Nation,

Ha. You got it so right. I think women spend more time talking about their bad relationships than they do spending time with the bad boyfriends. Why, oh, why have we been conditioned to do this? I'd say hearing another woman's man problems is the number one drain of drains.

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@Gala,

Bill, she did not kick the guy to the curb 2) the guy did not respond to her flirting b) which was discouraging so c) she went back to the old boyfriend.

You always want to put a sinister high moral spin on things.
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Sorry but if she were crying about some bum on his shoulders and he just got out of a relationship not being all that fast to response to her first flirting would be normal.

No one wish to start a relationship with a woman that might jump back into her old relationship at first chance.

Now when she started up with the old boyfriend she herself had label as worthless and her "friend" begin to act jealous the sane thing would had been to find out why by directly asking him.

He was 100 percent right in his fears that if this guy would show back up he would more then likely get the short end no matter if he took her up on her first offer or not, in my opinion.

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@eoe,

Let me ask directly Eoe if your friend had taken you up on starting a relationship at your first flirt and your old worthless boyfriend had then shown back up with a sad look on his face would you not had kick your now lover/friend to the curb for him?

Myself I give it a 90 percent chance of you doing so in the light of your willingness to kick your friend out of your life for the benefit of the relationship with the old boyfriend.

If you were serious about your willingness of having a relationship with your friend you would had been delighted at him showing interested even late in the game and the old worthless boyfriend would have been the loser.

Your complain that he did not take your first flirt up is an excused for not having picked more wisely all those years ago, in my opinion.

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@BillRM,

But Bill, how was he to know that I'd jump back into a relationship with my ex? He had no way of knowing that or any reason to fear it.

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Why do YOU think he was jealous?

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