"Dog Whispering" as a parenting style?

I think the myth of TV parenting is that these parents are always wise and calm; they never lose their cool after their kids have been chanting "bologna monster" for fifteen minutes.

I'd have to say that television parents (as DD points out) were never confronted with the reality of day-to-day life that confronts most parents, and especially the lone parent, and most especially the lone parent in a "disadvantaged" situation. It was pretty easy to be Ward and June Cleaver, given the level (pretty damned low) of the escapades of the boys.

(How did Ward Cleaver learn that June had entered menopause? When she said to him: "Ward, i'm worried about the beaver.")

Cesar Milan is not such a bad role model in most respects, and it is also interesting and instructive to watch him with his own children. Obviously, there's a world of difference between dogs and children, but the basic principle of the calm, assertive display of a naturally assumed authority has its value.

Once, i when was working in a shoe store, a boy of about 12 or 13 appeared running at the door, pushed it open and then stood aside as a woman, much smaller than him, walked in. She was followed by four more boys, a set of "stair steps," all of them dressed in pressed white shirts, pressed black slacks, and highly polished shoes. Their one expression of individuality was in their jackets, all of which were, predictably, clean and pressed.

She lined them up by the door, and walked down the line like a Sergeant Major inspecting private soldiers. Satisfied, she took the smallest boy to the aisle corresponding to his size, and there chose one pair of dress shoes, and one pair of sneakers, both on sale, both shrewdly chosen for their quality, and neither of them objectionably "uncool." Meanwhile, the other four boys waited patiently, in line. She put the two boxes of shoes on the counter, and then selected the next boy, while the first boy took his place in line. Eventually, there were ten boxes of shoes on the counter, she paid up, and refused the assistance of bagging the shoes, but, rather asked for five bags, after which the boys, in turn, bagged their own shoes.

The assistant manager came out near the end of the performance, and it was his claim that she was a single mother, widowed shortly after the birth of the fifth boy. I can't, of course, verify that, but she did nod and greet him as they were leaving, so they were apparently at least superficially acquainted.

That was a rather extreme example, but it was obvious that either she did their laundry and ironing, or supervised them performing the task, at some time before or after she went to work. I suspect that the older boys had responsibilities for the younger ones, which was how it was managed in the extended family in which i was raised, in which siblings and cousins were born in succession just about every other year from 1937 to 1963.

Her authority obviously derived simply from her assumption of it. Of the five boys, only the two youngest were physically smaller than her. But she exuded an authority which i suspect had cowed business managers and school officials in its time. That was about 20 years ago, and i suspect that all the boys grew up and did well. Any one or several of them may have gone through a bad patch in adolescence, but it was clear that the basic ground work for life skills had already been laid.

You don't really see the reality of raising children on television.

I don't care what they use as long as they start disciplining their children.
I am so sick of these little brats having one temper tantrum after another
way beyond the terrible 2 or 4, just because they don't get their way.

Parents should be parents, period! I always tell my daughter that I am her
mother and not her friend. She can have tons of friends, but has one mother only.

Absolutely you don't see the reality of raising children on television. You'll get no argument from me there.

Except for maybe King of the Hill.

And it's a cartoon.

That's a great story about the shoe store, Set. But that too reminds me of the dog whisperer. Those kids knew if they broke ranks that there was going to be a consequence, and that the consequence would be immediate and meaningful.

Even though I know that strict parents show is edited beyond belief it's interesting that nobody yelled -- except for the "unruly" kids sent to live with the strict family. They were all really patient and gentle -- what Mo calls "firm".

Ha. I give Mo the "I'm your parent, not your friend" speech a lot.

He hates that speech.

I used to do the annual holiday party at school. One year I did it with another parent who volunteered to be in charge of the games. She made up some holiday bingo cards and called the numbers out from the front of the room. She was so soft spoken I could barely hear her. In fact, I had to strain to hear her and so did the kids. There were portions of the party that were wild and rambunctious but these kids figured out that there were prized to be won if they sat quietly and listened. She never raised her voice above a whisper. You could hear a pin drop until someone yelled out, "bingo!"

I read it and thought it was interesting but had a few problems with it.

For one, I don't really know which parenting books they're referring to here:



but I haven't really seen them. This seems like a misrepresentation of the Dr. Sears books, which are actually big on Dog-Whisperer-style discipline... firm, consistent, calm (and you definitely say no when needed).

This was a hmmm:



So if the parent carries him or herself like a pack leader in body language and tone of voice, and the kid misbehaves, then...? What?

This seems like it could easily be a whole 'nother way for parents to beat themselves up for not being able to reach some unrealistic standard.

And I outright disagree with this one:



Teaching kids that they need to just submit to authority because authority is authority is downright dangerous, IMO. It's not that hard to set ground rules with the reasons why things are the way they are, then enforce the rules.

I totally agree with all the stuff about being calm and assertive but I don't see it as anything particularly new, parenting-advice-wise.

Yup.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parenting_styles



Those are also listed in the order of effectiveness....

as much as I think effective dog trainers and effective parents share a number of qualities, I have problems recommending "no touch, no talk , no eye contact" as a parenting style.

I think it works, but I think I'd get whacked over the head if I told people they needed to use that kind of approach. I find "talky" parents (as a huge generalization) create annoying adults.

I think most of the "Dog Whisperer" methods aren't even an appropriate way to train dogs, much less humans.

Of course it is silly to assume that Cesar Millan could be the answer to parenting. It's equally silly to apply standard rules for all kids. Every child is different and what's good for Billy might not be for Johnny. Most parents have their own method of child rearing and think it's the best for them and their child/ren.

This is a subject where everyone feels in the right.

Authority however is not something children should obey to just because.
They certainly need to respect their parents, teachers and other adults, but
not obey them blindly.

I see sane discipline as good, as in, duh. It's the transition as children grow that interests me., especially watching families I know. I've been on the outside of all this, rescue aunt, and my niece and I continue to be full out talkers together. How, as it were, to go from non alpha dog to your own person, especially if alpha dog is nutso.

Never mind that situation. I had another friend who was at war with her teenage son.

I don't think anyone literaly takes Cesar's advice as a child raising template -- just the ideas behind it.

One of the things I noticed watching the "Strict Parents" show (I watched another episode online today to "verify" my findings) is like how Cesar always says "That dog needs a job.....". On both episodes of the "Parents" show I've seen they made the kids go with the family to do community service and in both cases it was a real turning point for the kids.

I'll agree on that.

As I told to a friend recently, much of what I remember from a certain person is his stern voice to his, ah, flakey, son, over and over. The son has turned out ok, but if I were that son I'd be filled with rage.

Community service is a great idea. I don't think it needs to be forced though, or that it falls under the "strict"/ authoritarian parenting style necessarily.

Several of my friends' kids have started community service projects on their own -- one started a project to gather blankets for homeless people, for example. I think that's an even better outcome than being "made" to do it and then it's a turning point in the life of the kid who was made to do it.

There's some pretty decent science behind the Dog Whisperer methods - for dog training. Good research going on in Madison - I recently finished reading a book about it (The Other End of the Leash). Cesar Millan comes at it from an instinctive point, but the research (which doesn't address him in any way) supports his instinct.

I love it when my daughter tells me I am mean - my answer yep I'm mean. Sometimes as a parent you have to be mean.