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Man Defends the Constitution

 
 
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 09:39 pm
Does this sound familiar to anyone else?

I just could not resist...
The Onion wrote:

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

ESCONDIDO, CA"Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Area-Man-R.article_16.jpg
Kyle Mortensen would gladly give his life to protect what he says is the Constitution's very clear stance against birth control.

"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

According to Mortensen"an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner"the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

"Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation," continued Mortensen, referring to the "Father of the Constitution," James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. "The words on the page speak for themselves."

According to sources who have read the nation's charter, the U.S. Constitution and its 27 amendments do not contain the word "God" or "Christ."

Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air"from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes"has contributed to making it the best framework for governance "since the Ten Commandments."

"And let's not forget that when the Constitution was ratified it brought freedom to every single American," Mortensen said.

Mortensen's passion for safeguarding the elaborate fantasy world in which his conception of the Constitution resides is greatly respected by his likeminded friends and relatives, many of whom have been known to repeat his unfounded assertions verbatim when angered. Still, some friends and family members remain critical.

"Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."

Mortensen told reporters that he'll fight until the bitter end for what he roughly supposes the Constitution to be. He acknowledged, however, that it might already be too late to win the battle.

"The freedoms our Founding Fathers spilled their blood for are vanishing before our eyes," Mortensen said. "In under a year, a fascist, socialist regime has turned a proud democracy into a totalitarian state that will soon control every facet of American life."

"Don't just take my word for it," Mortensen added. "Try reading a newspaper or watching the news sometime."

source: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/area_man_passionate_defender_of

Art imitates Life, or Life imitates Art?

T
K
O
 
Ionus
 
  -1  
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 10:48 pm
@Diest TKO,
Quote:
Our very way of life is under siege
Why do so many feel isolated and lonely ?
Quote:
mandatory crackdowns on immigrants
Which North American Indian tribe is he a full blooded member of ?
Quote:
a totalitarian state that will soon control every facet of American life
He doesnt have a problem with this - he just wants to be the one in control.
Hasnt the USA always presented itself as a land that will accept people of any believe ? He is living proof that concept is still alive from the days of Plymouth Rock.
Diest TKO
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 10:53 pm
@Ionus,
I appreciate the spirit here, but look closer at the article. This is a Onion article. Are you familiar with them? It's news parody. It isn't supposed to be taken seriously. It's a humor article.

T
K
O
Ionus
 
  1  
Reply Sat 14 Nov, 2009 10:58 pm
@Diest TKO,
Didnt see The Onion Wrote bit at the top. But you did say does it remind me of anyone, and it does. Are you sure it is a parody ? Very Happy
0 Replies
 
MontereyJack
 
  3  
Reply Sun 15 Nov, 2009 12:11 am
Does anyone know what ican looks like?
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 15 Nov, 2009 02:12 am
@MontereyJack,
Oy!! Jack!!!!!
0 Replies
 
rosborne979
 
  3  
Reply Sun 15 Nov, 2009 08:43 am
@Diest TKO,
I'm dead certain that we could find a real life version of this guy. We've probably had at least one on A2K already.
Merry Andrew
 
  1  
Reply Sun 15 Nov, 2009 10:47 am
@rosborne979,
Quote:
We've probably had at least one on A2K already.


More'n one, I'd bet.
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 15 Nov, 2009 01:17 pm
@Merry Andrew,
When will the likes of Glen Beck or another warrior from Fox News take up this heroes cause and promote him to the status as cultural saint/martyr? Wink

Fictional or not, he could be seen as the poster child to the tea bagging movement.
0 Replies
 
rosborne979
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2009 08:33 pm
@Diest TKO,
Diest TKO wrote:

Does this sound familiar to anyone else?
The Onion wrote:

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination.


Some satire hits too close to home, and worries me.

Unfortunately that paragraph could be used to describe the basic methodology by which most people learn EVERYTHING.
0 Replies
 
 

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