How much do i want to say here, as the woman who is in a situation similar to yours?
The difference is that WE are separating .
The why sounds some what like what you are describing with a bit of a twist.
I tell my husband a lot of generic statements because I am honestly , 100% convinced that if I tell him the real reasons I will hurt him unnecessarily.
I do know that this is an inappropriate action / thought process but I can not quite bring myself to say certain things. I just cant.
Those things are not the biggest issues.. but they are weights on the camels back so to speak.
Kids involved and he sees me as depressed. Though, im not. Not in the least. I am unattached at home. Discontent , restless and unhappy . But that is happening because we have a time line for splitting and it feels bad to live in the middle of such a decision.
So that is a basic over view of "my twist"
but the similarities are lack of sex drive...well.. NOT drive.. but feeling, Ok with it?
Changing passions .
Child and identity.
Stay at home mom to working mom
Not married as LONG as you.. we are almost at our 9th year.
5 year old girl.
But, i hear you say a few key things that I realllllllly want to chime in on because I hear my husband say some what the same things. And when he does, I spin around on a dime to point it out in hopes that he will understand why it bothers me.
You said " speed up the process"
In my eyes only, Im not speaking for your wife but I have heard from a few of my friends in the same boat.. that attempting to find ways to speed things up and talking about ways to speed things up.. well -
That frankly feels very selfish.
We women are not out to hurry up and get to a point of a sexless detached marriage . Anyone who comes to that point NEEDS time to take care of THEMSELVES with out the added motherly burden of taking care of someone elses emotional and sexual needs. That feels like a 5 year old screaming at you while you have your arms full of groceries to make them juice and make it now!
Patience . Sorry. Nothing but patience.
Dont talk about being in a hurry to have sex. We are not only here for that.
Dont call it silly or useless. ( you have not done this in your words! Im just making the point)
Please do be angry about it. Anger shows passion and concern . If ou just float around and dont say anything, we or anyone on THIS side of the boat, are left to float to their own decision. Try to stay involved but know now there is nothing you can do to fix or change things. ANd if there is you will know. Most of the time it is our need to just BE by ourselves that help us work through things. We have to remove the cape of mother and wife to be able to feel our own bodies and our own skin to be able to dictate where we need to be next. This is not something you can do for us, and most of the time you can not help.
I know that leaves you feeling very frustrated and almost upset. You are part of the marriage too you SHOULD have something to do. But you dont. You dont live in our bodies or in our heads . Only we do.
Using the words you and us simply mean you , the person w ho is on the side of watching someone go through this and us being the people who ARE going through. This isnt necessarily a man vs woman thing..
You can not 'speed up the processes' please dont minimize things like that. This isnt a broken car that just takes arm strength to fix. This is an entirely different product. It has taken your wife 30, 40, 50 years to become who she is it will take a while for her to figure out who she wants to be next.
No one stays exactly the same through out their lives. Dont press the issue that she no longer likes to do something that she used to.
Do not point out how 'you' do not get any sex.
she isnt either. You are not alone there obviously
I dont really know what else to say. Im not living in your household but just remember to not minimize.
Offer to help if you can, but there is no 'speeding' up, and no quick fix. If there was? It would already be done my friend.