Wife and Love? Problems!

Reply Sun 25 Oct, 2009 08:05 am
There was a loss of a child(unborn). I do know that added to her issues. She is saying that I caused her issues. She said I would come home and be disconnected. She said the kids saw it and knew it. I had a heart to heart talk with the kids and they said nothing of the sort except they would say when I was gone mom was always sleeping, on the computer, texting on the phone. My wife does not see and still does not see that as depression until she got diagnosed with Major Depression. She deals with hypothyroid(hashimoto's disease). I know that adds to it as well. What I can tell is she use to be a stellar athlete. The thyroid wiped out her passion for fitness, she tells me that her priorities have changed and she is no longer that person. She does not have the desire any more. That may be true but that in my eyes is also the problem. She is throwing a lot of stuff at me. It almost seems like she is dumping our whole marriage on me. She went back yesterday almost 12 years about how I got upset when she would go out with a girl friend instead of staying with me. The thing my wife does not realize she does not work, we agreed when the first child came she would be a stay home mom and she wanted that. She also coached and does not realize the time away from the kids. Yet guess who was with the kids when she was gone or at the games. ME! I bent my schedule for her to have her passion of coaching. Yes, sometimes I did complain but I knew she loved it so I kept on doing it.

Right now I think she is having a bit of a mid life crisis. She wants her time. She raised her brothers/sisters. She sees as raising our kids. Now she wants her time. I don't know if that means by herself or what. She will need to decide that.
Do I see her as depressed? Yes, and no! It is not major depression but I see something there. Whether it started with me or her own family but something is there?

Has anyone dealt with something like this? I love my wife. I want our family to be together but she is telling me she needs to wait and see. I feel somewhat she is delaying her true answer. I don't want to hurt our kids. I need some help. Right now she does not want couple/marriage counseling.

So confused still!
Reply Sun 25 Oct, 2009 09:04 am
This isn't something you can control. You can influence it to some degree, but ultimately she's going to have to decide who she wants to be.
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Reply Sun 25 Oct, 2009 09:06 am
phenom13 wrote:
Do I see her as depressed? Yes, and no!

Depression is not the same as just collapsing into bed and refusing to do anything.

I went through a major depressive episode, but continued to work and be a parent. I had a lot of morbid thoughts, and thought about suicide, but I soldiered on through my daily routine. I just had no joy; everything was a chore.
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Reply Mon 26 Oct, 2009 07:33 pm
Everyone has their own breaking point. What is no big deal to one person, can take another person to their knees.

Your wife sounds like she has delayed grief about this child who died.

Depression is anger turned inside. Therapy and medication may help her. Insist that she go. You should also go with her and then she goes by herself.

In the meantime, here you are - being asked to be patient and live in this marriage where she can not give to you emotionally or intimately. You are going to need counseling, also. Good luck.

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Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2009 05:09 am
How much do i want to say here, as the woman who is in a situation similar to yours?
The difference is that WE are separating .
The why sounds some what like what you are describing with a bit of a twist.

I tell my husband a lot of generic statements because I am honestly , 100% convinced that if I tell him the real reasons I will hurt him unnecessarily.

I do know that this is an inappropriate action / thought process but I can not quite bring myself to say certain things. I just cant.

Those things are not the biggest issues.. but they are weights on the camels back so to speak.

Kids involved and he sees me as depressed. Though, im not. Not in the least. I am unattached at home. Discontent , restless and unhappy . But that is happening because we have a time line for splitting and it feels bad to live in the middle of such a decision.

Ok .
So that is a basic over view of "my twist"
but the similarities are lack of sex drive...well.. NOT drive.. but feeling, Ok with it?
being withdrawn.
Changing passions .
Child and identity.
Stay at home mom to working mom
Not married as LONG as you.. we are almost at our 9th year.
5 year old girl.

But, i hear you say a few key things that I realllllllly want to chime in on because I hear my husband say some what the same things. And when he does, I spin around on a dime to point it out in hopes that he will understand why it bothers me.

You said " speed up the process"
In my eyes only, Im not speaking for your wife but I have heard from a few of my friends in the same boat.. that attempting to find ways to speed things up and talking about ways to speed things up.. well -
That frankly feels very selfish.
We women are not out to hurry up and get to a point of a sexless detached marriage . Anyone who comes to that point NEEDS time to take care of THEMSELVES with out the added motherly burden of taking care of someone elses emotional and sexual needs. That feels like a 5 year old screaming at you while you have your arms full of groceries to make them juice and make it now!
Patience . Sorry. Nothing but patience.
Dont talk about being in a hurry to have sex. We are not only here for that.
Dont call it silly or useless. ( you have not done this in your words! Im just making the point)
Please do be angry about it. Anger shows passion and concern . If ou just float around and dont say anything, we or anyone on THIS side of the boat, are left to float to their own decision. Try to stay involved but know now there is nothing you can do to fix or change things. ANd if there is you will know. Most of the time it is our need to just BE by ourselves that help us work through things. We have to remove the cape of mother and wife to be able to feel our own bodies and our own skin to be able to dictate where we need to be next. This is not something you can do for us, and most of the time you can not help.
I know that leaves you feeling very frustrated and almost upset. You are part of the marriage too you SHOULD have something to do. But you dont. You dont live in our bodies or in our heads . Only we do.

Using the words you and us simply mean you , the person w ho is on the side of watching someone go through this and us being the people who ARE going through. This isnt necessarily a man vs woman thing..

You can not 'speed up the processes' please dont minimize things like that. This isnt a broken car that just takes arm strength to fix. This is an entirely different product. It has taken your wife 30, 40, 50 years to become who she is it will take a while for her to figure out who she wants to be next.
No one stays exactly the same through out their lives. Dont press the issue that she no longer likes to do something that she used to.
Do not point out how 'you' do not get any sex.
she isnt either. You are not alone there obviously Wink

I dont really know what else to say. Im not living in your household but just remember to not minimize.
Offer to help if you can, but there is no 'speeding' up, and no quick fix. If there was? It would already be done my friend.

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Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2009 06:01 pm
Well this may be my last post. I hope not. 2 weeks ago my wife and I got in a ugly argument. She was acting very strange and I asked are you feeling OK and it went downhill from there. I thought we were done that day as I told her to leave and she said I am divorcing you. Then calmer heads came together. The rest of the week was great. Then Sunday hit again and she was a different woman again. Bad Mood? Depressed? Feeling Sorry? Pain? I have no idea. I pretty much left her go for the day until I told one of my kids to go to sleep on our bed. I sent her in and my wife yelled at her to get out and close the door. It was not good. I talked with my daughter and then proceeded to go ask her why cant she sleep and why yell. She just said get out and I need my space. I did just about that.
Next day she would not answer my texts or calls. I finally got connected with her and on the phone she told me we were done and she just can't handle this anymore. I said you are telling me we are done for what reason? She said me constantly quizzing her how we are doing and etc. I will say I tell her I love her excessively and yes it is tough for me not to ask if we are still good because there are times when I am in her crosshairs it is not a good feeling. She tells me she loves me and wants this but am I blind or stupid to maybe think that she would at least treat me somewhat decent? Like a husband? Like a friend? Or am I way too early for that?
So the last 3 days have been very brutal. She has been very mean to me and it is taking all of my strength not to divorce her. She did tell me that she has A LOT of anger inside of her. The only thing she tells me is due to the way she has been treated or how I did not respect her, or not treated her equally? I'm very confused. I am sarcastic. I have not changed since she met me.
Plus, she gets diagnosed with Major Depression and she is already off her meds for that? Does that seem right to anyone? She got diagnosed in June/July. Does it happen that fast?
All I know is I am the target for everything. No matter what I say or how I say it she turns it around to make me the culprit. I am seeing a counselor on Monday as I have to figure this out. I am going to ask about couple counseling as well but I am going to think she will say no.

I am asking someone out there. I have conservative values. Yes, I can love my kids and pretty much ignore my wife and live a fulfilled life and maybe she can get it figured out. This way my kids will have a dad/mom 24/7. But on the flip side do I do this for my life and be selfish? I know many of you say keep myself busy and give her time/space. How can I do this when she will not even give me the time of day to talk about us? Do I just let it go and wait until she comes to me or what?
Please any advice is truly apreciated. Please wish us the best!!
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2009 08:01 pm
The advise I gave you is still operational: Back off. Tell her that you want her, you want "us", that you hope that she wants the same thing. Tell her that if she decides that she wants the same thing that you will do everything you can to make it work.

After you tell her this go away, as in find things to do with your time that do involve her. Find something fun, spend time with the kids, read that book you never got to, anything.

So long as she is being a bitch and does not come to you asking to work it out she has not changed her mind. There is nothing to gain by confirming this by asking how she feels or what she wants. Leave her alone.

You place way too much importance on what women say....what they do and how they do it is much more important.
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Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2009 08:13 pm
If it were ME, I'd back off - way off.
In fact, I'd leave.
Why would I want to be around someone who does not want to be with me?
Why should I put up with the abuse?
Why would I stay with a person who does not work on her own recovery.
Sorry, but the other person would have to miss me. That means I would remove myself from the home.
No calls, no texting, no communication.
See if the other person even notices.
Reply Tue 27 Oct, 2009 08:24 pm
If it were ME, I'd back off - way off.
In fact, I'd leave

Hopefully talking to a lawyer first. The person who leaves the home and leaves the kids is at a disadvantage if they want custody.
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