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Wed 21 Oct, 2009 02:07 pm
My wife and I have been together for 15 years and 21 years counting dating. My wife just recently got diagnosed w/ major depression. The doctors seem to have resolved that issue. Also, my wife feels we have drifted apart. She says I have for the last 2-3 years have ignored, not respected, made fun of her, made her feel unequal, and etc. We hit a real tough patch in our marriage this year, this all happened pretty much together.
The problem I am having is my wife tells me she loves me, she wants to be with me, and be with me for the rest of her life. She has since built up a barrier/wall that she will not allow to come down. She is working weekly with a psychologist/counselor.
I personally do not see a lot of what she has told me but I feel I do understand her view. The issue I am having is she tells me she loves me but she says she is not in love with me? I am confused by that. She also says right now she phsyically does not want to have sex with me but feels the barrier/wall is not allowing this. Am I being short sided, confused, or just plain selfish/stupid about not understanding how you can say you love your spouse but you do not want to be intimate with them. Is there anyone that can help me understand this? I love my wife! I do not want to lose her. She has been in counseling for about 1 1/2 months excluding psychiatrist for her depression.
Is there something I need to do or look in the mirror? I am reading The Love Dare. Very intriguing!
Please help!! THANKS!
1 1/2 months of counseling is not very much and not very long. This did not happen over night, it won't get resolved overnight.
I'd ask that you be patient with her until she can at least get this depression under control.
She does not even love herself right now, i don't see how she can love anyone else at this time.
In the meantime, keep reading and keep yourself busy.
@sullyfish6,
You are saying keep my mind occupied instead of having my mind 24/7 on whether my wife wants to have sex with me or not or if she loves me or not? Correct?
Do you believe there is a way you can love your spouse and physically do not want to be with them? That is confusing to me! ANy help!
@phenom13,
phenom13 wrote:Do you believe there is a way you can love your spouse and physically do not want to be with them?
Certainly. Haven't you ever loved someone without wanting to have sex with them? There are all kinds of loving relationships that do not include sex.
For many women, emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy go hand-in-hand. She's saying she doesn't feel emotionally connected to you.
The problem is that depression basically insulates one from all emotional intimacy. You're going to have to work extra hard to get close to her.
@DrewDad,
Any suggestions on how to get emotionally reconnected? I am reading THE LOVE DARE.
I don't want to smother my wife with this as well. Please any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
she is currently unavailable for intimacy, working towards intimacy when she can't do it will get you heart ache and bitterness. What you should do is stay open for intimacy, ready for her if she should ever be ready for you. Take care of yourself, find people and things to keep you happy and busy. If she should give indication that she wants to work towards intimacy with you then drop what ever you are doing and work with her on that.
@hawkeye10,
I am appreciating the replies. One of the big items I am struggling with is she can tell me for certain that it will happen and we will be together again. What I mean by this not physically but staying together as a marriage and family. As we have 3 kids. I am a very conservative person. I don't want a divorce at all. Should I wait until she decides or what happens if her counseling does nothing and she gets no where but wants to stay married but in a marriage with no sexual intimacy? We had a very active love life. This is my struggle. I can handle the love making until she gets better but I need help if she is unable to let her wall down. Does anyone really know how long counseling takes for something in this genre?
I appreciate everyone's opinion and advice!
@phenom13,
I am appreciating the replies. One of the big items I am struggling with is she can tell me for certain that it will happen and we will be together again. What I mean by this not physically but staying together as a marriage and family. As we have 3 kids. I am a very conservative person. I don't want a divorce at all. Should I wait until she decides or what happens if her counseling does nothing and she gets no where but wants to stay married but in a marriage with no sexual intimacy? We had a very active love life. This is my struggle. I can handle the love making until she gets better but I need help if she is unable to let her wall down. Does anyone really know how long counseling takes for something in this genre?
I appreciate everyone's opinion and advice!
Why don't you be real honest and admit you are sexually frustrated - due to a lack of your partner's ability to respond to your needs?
No shame in that; I suspect you have lots of company. (Right here on this board, probably)
Your issue is how you can get thru this stressful time.
I'm sure the suggestions will follow . . .
@phenom13,
There is no set timeline on how long counseling takes. Depending on the level of support she feels at home and if she is truly honest with herself in working through it.
It took me about 6 months to begin feeling better from my depressed state. It took me a full year to finally wake up and realize what was truly causing my depression and take action to fix it.
Yes, I miss my wife intimately. No question. My wife tells me she loves me and wants to be with me, and keep the marriage in tact. But she can not give me an answer for sure. I am a pretty black/white kind of guy. WHich does me a lot of harm in area.
As for my wife's counseling to help get re-attached to me emotionally. I know everyone has said keep myself busy. I will try to do that. My wife said her pain and hurt goes back 3-5 years. Can anyone relate to that or can they offer to tell me how long counseling could be for my wife? I know counseling is not 100% but my wife tells me she wants this relationship. That has to be a good thing. Any ideas on how long therapy could last? I know that is not a great question.
THANKS!
@phenom13,
phenom13 wrote:Any ideas on how long therapy could last?
The only possible answer here is, "it depends."
It depends on the severity of her depression, what kind of depression it is, whether she takes antidepressants, whether the therapist/doctor/psychiatrist is knowledgeable enough about antidepressants to give her the right one at the right dose, whether she exercises, the skill of her therapist, etc.
@DrewDad,
Right now she is off her depression meds. She takes meds for anxiety and thyroid. Her psychiatrist recommended her current psychologist. I know I will have to learn and grow as well. I have begun that journey. When I remain busy shall I give space, smother with love, any ideas? All of the above. Is it reality that it could be more than a year? I am guessing so. Thanks
@phenom13,
What you need to do is understand that it's not about you. Find out what
she needs. You can do this by talking to her.
@DrewDad,
I do but I feel the more I can do the faster the turnaround time. I have to stop that as well. This will definitely be a marathon not a sprint with her. She is hurting and a lot of it is still penned up. THe thing that bothers me a little is that she never thought she was depressed. I did think she was to an extent but then the shoe dropped and got diagnosed with Major Depression. She always says that she can tell when she was depressed. I did not say anything to upset her but Major Depression compared to mild depression is HUGE. She needs to deal with that.
Any good ideas how to increase emotionally? THANKS!
@phenom13,
You still don't get it....you can't engineer this, you can't fix this. All you can do it tell her that you want her, you want "us" and that you are ready when ever she is to work on the relationship. Till then find something useful to do with your energy, cause trying fix her is not only a waste of your time, but is likely to be counter productive.
My wife and I had a lengthy talk this morning. This is what she told me. She told me she has goals set.
1>To be successful at work.
2>To start working on friend and going out with friends(girls night out, etc.)
3>Trying to work on our relationship and making it work. Her and the counselor feels if she can get happy with the first two then the 3rd could come easier as it could make her be happier in the overall scheme.
I asked her if she loved me. She said "YES"! I said is that enough to keep us together and she said "I DONT KNOW"! Please remember we have 3 kids involved as well. I asked her does she have a timeline and she said no but she said there will come a time when she has to start thinking about her happiness. She told me she has spent all of her time with our kids as they were babies and now. It is time for her to get her time. I understand that but I am under the belief we sacrifice for our kids. Right now I see her as being selfish. I feel she loves me and she is delaying her real answer that she wants a divorce. The dilemma I am having is twofold. I love her and I do not want a divorce. 2nd, the kids are still young and I feel it would adversely affect them tremendously especially our oldest who is 11. Shall I keep a good thought and hope for the best or just say lets do it now instead of later?
So confused!!
@phenom13,
Seems to me there's hope.
Sounds like she's had a bit of an identity crisis with the kids being at school, and she's insecure about how the transition is going to work out.
What happened 3 - 5 years ago? She is connecting to a specific time. That's good.
Death in the family? Loss of a child? Female operation? Illness? Marriage trouble?
And why aren't you going to counseling WITH her, even to a couples counselor, in addition to her indiviudal counselor.
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