my wife cheated on me and I dont know what to do

Sully, you are such a f'ing bitch.

Yeah, I can hear his pain.. can you??? He sounds distraught and wants some help and all you can do, as usual, is come up with your 15 second sarcastic, vicious little sound bites.

Stay OUT of these kind of issues - they are not your forte. You bag.

Shan, I'll be back tomorrow.

You won't go wrong by finding a counselor or therapist to talk about it with, bro.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about it? If you don't have a support system of some sort, you're gonna crash and burn.

Cycloptichorn

Wow.

I did a parody on these "woe is me, my wife is a hell-bitch" threads, but didn't realize how close to the mark I came.

Not to make light of your troubles pal, but the common theme in virtually all of these threads is:

*My wife cheated on me and treated me like dirt
*My wife has all kinds of problems...Bipolar disorder, depression, bulemia, corns on her feet etc.
*What am I going to do. I love her so, though she shits on me every day
*Don't tell me to leave her.

I'm sure you are hurting and I feel for you, but you have to ask yourself why are you willing to put up with this crap?

If she's cheating on you, move on.

There is no excuse for betraying your trust--- none.

You are entitled to and can find a relationship that gives as much as it takes, but you have to find your sack and tell the bitch to take a hike.

It sucks and it ain't the end of the fairy tale you expected when you married her, but if she has reduced you to posting these sort of sorry cries for help then she's not for you.

All this nonsense about penis size and ejaculation makes me think you might be a con. If not, take a look at yourself.

Every selfish pr*ck and c*nt in the world wants a spouse that accepts their screwing around. She has you played man.

Dump her, and dump her now.

Your kids will be alright if you love and care for them, but if you feel you can't ditch the bitch because of them, then don't, but establish a whole new set of rules.

Screw counseling, there isn't a magic pill or a magic phrase that is going to lead her to change her ways and respect you.

But if you like being dumped on then stay with it, and continue to vent with these sort of pathetic postings.

No one does anything they don't want to do.

I would said off hand that the chance of this being real is 5 percent or less.

My first wife got tired of trying to get me to go to AA meetings, and I was tired of going. SOmetimes an untenable situation like this needs some separation to see whether its even resolution -worthy.

Dont spend too much time on a relationship that has too many commas when you start reciting all your and her quirks.

Sullyfish6
U r a f***in B*tch. If not that a dyke then. Crawl back under that stone u came from.

BillRM
Well I'm in that 5 percent or less. Yes woe is me, I'm a sucker thats been had. All I want to know is how do I tell if she is really sorry. Do I give her a chance or tell her that enough is enough. I dont know why I still care about her. Anybody else would of told her to take a hike. Too much baggage.

I love it when I strike a nerve in the under- 40 crowd. Makes my day.

You have more problems than can be listed - IF this is even real.

Like I said, get some counseling.

If you're only trying to provoke then you're in the false thread here. People
come here for support and advice, they don't need being provoked to get a rise out of them.

Counseling, counseling, counseling. She needs to find out why she did this and, bottom line, she also needs help with her bulimia as it is nothing to play around with and could very well kill her.

And for you -- you need to figure out how to cope with what happened and speak with someone objective about what you want to do (which can be nothing, that's sometimes what people do after such things, not that I necessarily recommend it). You also need to figure out why penis size, ejaculate, your friend's inability to ejaculate (when does this kind of thing come up in conversation???), etc. are such obsessions of yours. I can see you asking whether he's bigger than you (although personally I think such questions are childish) but not the rest of it. The rest is, well, that's what counseling is for.

As you can see, there are plenty of people interested.



Perhaps she wants to feel normal again, after fearing for so long about getting fat? Perhaps she doesn't enjoy the pressure to feel thin. Perhaps she feels she can't live up to your fitness standards, and a fat guy is her way of feeling better about herself. Perhaps his fatness is irrelevant and she was with him for other reasons.

Do you support your wife in her fitness by encouraging her to do fitness activities with you?

Or are your fitness activities done by yourself, and she is left to catch up with you, motivated through fear that you won't be so attracted to her if she gets fat?

People act differently when they are around different people. Certain people bring out suppressed traits in others. Some people lift you up, some people drag you down. Many people you may feel uncomfortable displaying a part of yourself too...and one person comes along that you are completely comfortable to show that part of yourself to.

It's more accurate to say 'one part of me loves her, and other part of me hates her' (same for the part that wants to make her pay). Truth is...if you repress 'the part that wants to make her pay'...you'll do it passive aggressively anyway - won't be able to help yourself. Be who you are, you have a right to feel what you feel - which is honest (as opposed to hiding it, which is dishonest)...have a think about how you want to express those feelings (as opposed to running off at the mouth with no thought at all), and what you think contributed to your wife doing what she did.

You said she's bulimic? Surely you know that's not normal...but I don't think that's the question you really intended to ask?

If you are able, get a psychologist for her, a counsellor for you, and/or one for both of you.

vikorr
Thanks. I typed my question out when I was not in a good place and just let it all go. Hence the reason I repeated myself a few times. We met at the gym 18years ago. She is an ex personal trainer. She now excersise by herself to try and tune out from her job, kids, me and pretty much relax. Councilling is happening next week. She has beeen seeing a phycologist as well as myself. He told me that she has taken me for granted and I need to harden up. Our family and friends have been conerned with her weight for a while now. Been on a down hill run for about 18 months now. (18 months ago we lost everything in a house fire. House rebuilt now and replaced what we could afford. I think I must of upset someone .)
I spoke to doctors and others regarding her weight and depression and they said it is like a drug addict. They have to want to fix the problem. I cant make her get better, I will just force her not to seek help even more. The only person that told me to make her do something about the bulimia was my phycologist. He told me to take control of the problem because she had no control of it. It has control of her. So now she is going to an eating disorder clinic tomorrow. One problem kind of starting to be sorted. What about me trusting her? She seeems to show huge remorse and yes I still love her.
The other 43 year old guy on the other hand has a deathwish. Have now found out he has been texting my 13year old daughter telling her to stay hot with hugs and kisses. I would really like to hurt him but he is a police officer and would just get me locked up. Then he has a free run at my family. Gunna get him back a smart way. Now I know you are probably thinking this is sounding like a load of crap. Well, I wish it was. Feels like a bad dream. I have never gone to chat rooms before but I am desperate and It does take a whole load off by typing it out and getting some advice even if some people think its a joke and hack on me. Like I said, no joke. Really,really wish it was. I am getting help but I also have never been in this situation and thought getting advice from a wide number of people would be a good idea. Thanks.

Hi, advice probably isn't as good as understand for someone in your situation

In relation to the police officer - do the right thing by yourself, and make a complaint in writing to his police department...and show them those text messages (if she still has them). Hand it in person, open (so that the officer you give it to can read it). Ask the officers name, then ask for the Officer in Charges name, and ask the officer if it's okay if you give the Officer in Charge a call in one week (the answer doesn't matter - just thank him for whatever answer he gives you).

You should also ask for a receipt from the officer you give it to. A photocopy with the stations stamp on it should be fine. Don't forget to date it.

Then give it a week, and ring the Officer in Charge up, and ask him how the complaint is going...you'll get fobbed off, but the point is, everyone at his work will know what he's doing, and his boss won't appreciate the pain in the ass complaint....especially with relation to this guys actions towards your daughter (which is what you are really making the complaint about).




Did he tell you what he meant by 'harden up'? Respect your wishes and desires, else why should anyone else respect them? Sometimes conflict with a loved one is an unavoidable consequence of self respect...the reverse side of this coin is you also respect where the other person is coming from - it's not a 'but' (I understand where you're coming from but I need...), rather an 'and' (I understand where you're coming from and what I need is...). Replacing your 'but's' with 'and's' will resolve many, many conflicts...and enable you to stand up for yourself whiles still showing empathy/understanding for your wife during disagreements.

I've never really looked into bulimia and the likes, but the psychologist seems spot on - you have to acknowledge a problem like that before you can truly start dealing with it.

As for you trusting her - she is human, with all our human flaws. Understand that 'loyalty' to someone we are in love with is easy, but sexual loyalty to someone we love is something we train ourselves to. Humans are naturally sexual, or they wouldn't ever be attracted to someone to find a wife/husband. Those needs/urges/desires don't stop just because we become married....but it's also true to say that everyone has different sex drives and inclinations...ie. We are all human with human flaws AND we all have differing levels/types of sexual needs. That combination causes all sorts of grief, especially when those needs are not met, or long term unhappiness sees it as a short term relief.

A topic that's only related in terms of degree...suicides occur not because people are depressed or lost hope, but because their ability to cope has been overloaded...their coping mechanisms have not worked/been overloaded...and they no longer see a way to cope. Now think of being long term unhappy, and think of what someone treating you desirably may do/offer? Add in humans flawed nature / flawed perspectives / and sexual desire / inclinations...throw it into a big bowl..

We aren't perfect. It's as simple at that...no matter what morals say.

Morals by the way, relate to social cohesion, not personal happiness (though personal happiness may...or may not...coincide with morals). Morals are for cohesion, comfort, and safety...they don't always deal in happiness. I have a lot of time for them, but like everything else, morals arent perfect.

If you didn't find an answer to 'can I trust her' in all that...that's because the only true answer is 'we are flawed humans'. It sucks, but I've known people who said "I never ever thought I'd have an affair" yet they had one. It appears, at some time in peoples lives, 80% have an affair (research says at least 60%, but personally, I think it's higher). Many people go on never knowing their partner had an affair...what is the only difference between them, and people who find out? It's said - the world should be ideal, and we'll always want it to be, but it's not.

Just ask yourself if you can love her anyway, and if you feel the need, tell her you'll stand by her in everything except her cheating again. Ask her what she would truly like from you, spend some time with her on this...word of warning - if you can't give what she asks...ask for clarification, and let her know who you truly are as well.

Good luck

Shan, I have to agree with those who said that there doesn't seem to be much reason for hope in this case, but that counselling for yourself would be optimum. Personally, I wouldn't want someone like that back in my life. That's a betrayal and I would have no more trust in them, and no liking for them doing that to our relationship. In fact, I'd have a whole lot of disrespect for their behaviour. I'd like to know why you don't feel this way.

According to your description, your wife is mentally ill. You've mentioned eating disorders and depression. I assume (perhaps incorrectly) that this wasn't the case when you married many years ago. Part of marriage is helping your partner in times of illness. If your wife wants to recover from this, I think she needs to go in for a mental evaluation, and at least outpatient treatment. If she refuses this, I think you might have no choice but to get yourself and your children away, but I would at least make the effort.

The other possibility is that all your statements of mental illness are just wishful thinking on your part. If she is not really ill, then all the advice above sounds right on the money. Nothing is going to change if you take her back.

vikorr
Thankyou. All ready given statements to the senior officers at his work place. They have warned me that he will say its a revenge statement and have told me to say yes it is but that doesnt excuse him sending text to my 13year old daughter. I dont have the text on my daughters phone but they said they can get a copy of it for the service provider. He did all this on a police phone. What an idiot. He still doesnt know I know and I would like to keep it that way for a while cause he told my wife just before she came home that he would f*** her over if she told anyone. Like I said, Im doing it smart. Your advice is helpful. I do love her. I think 18years together means something and I want to give her a chance. But I now am cautious. I wont let myself get hurt like I have been again and talking a bit more is probably a good thing too. I now look at this as one big speed hump in life. Thanks for everything.

engineer
Yes my wife is ill. I believe I have been given the wrong advice by many people in handling her desease. Things will now change. Bulimia is the 1st priority. Then we can sort out her mental issues and then see if we can fix the broken marriage. She was put on medication for depression but took herself off it 6 years ago. Bad move. She goes to the clinic for her eating today. I guess we have to take one step at a time and if it is going to have a chance of being fixed it wont happen over night.Thanks for your advice. Thank you.

Mame
I know it is a betrayal and that trusting her again will have to be earnt. I still really care for her and love her. I think for her to tell me everything face to face as soon as she could when she came home is a big plus for me. She didnt know what my responce would be and laid all her cards on the table. If she had mentioned it 3 months down the track I would of had no respect for her. I believe she wants to make things right and yes, we are only human and do make mistakes.( this one being one of the ultimate mistakes you could make) Like I have said in other replies, I think after 18 years together I should give it at least 3 months to see if there is a chance of fixing it. At the moment there might be a chance but it is only early. Thanks for your help and advice.