grandkids

Hello keekee,

well since your daughter only recently got married, it will take a while for you
to get acquainted with her stepchildren. How old are they? In time you probably will "adopt" them as grandkids, I am sure. Blended families are difficult for
the kids as well, showing them that they're welcome to the extended family
will mean the world to them, and I don't think it would hurt anyone to include
them and treat them no different than the other grandkids, at least not
in front of them.

I have two step-children. I don't think of them as step-children (their bio father is a waste of oxygen and out of the picture). Our family is just that... a family.

My parents welcomed them in a grandchildren when I married my wife. I can't speak for other families. But having the support of my parents was vitally helpful for me to build my family.

I have never been on the other side of this, but if my parents had treated my biological children any different then my step-children, it would have been difficult.

They are now your daughter's children and you would be doing your daughter a diservice not to treat all the children the same.

What is the difference if they are not her biological children?

My good for nothing stepson had a boy with a gal who he did not marry. She already had a daughter who is ethnically different from us. He later had another son with another gal.

My wife and I took them all in (step-son is now out of the picture) and are raising them. We consider all of them grandchildren and non of us are "related" to the girl.

At least you get to send the grandchildren home after a visit


Hopefully, you will grow to change your mind.

I guess it depends on the ages of the two latest additions to the family. I would guess if they are teenagers or older then they would understand how extended and rearranged families work. Still, a little loving support for everyone can't hurt keep the marriage stable and grounded.

If they're younger then say 10 years old, can't you imagine a conversation between their step mother and the two children... "Mommy why does grandma keekee hate us?" You have to think how a young child will interpret your potential indifference towards her/him.

Would be heartbreaking for the stepmother to answer other then a mild rebuttal against the use of the word hate. She buys the one daughter toys and gives out liberal amounts of hugs, etc.... Not a good way to help the family bond by feeding any potential sibling rivalry.

I can understand if you can't financially afford the burden of Christmas and birthday gifts, etc... but making an effort in the emotional department doesn't seem too much of a strain on the resource department.

Welcome to A2K to KeeKee

What Tsar and t'others said above... all that - yeppers.

My brother has a little boy from his marriage and has a partner who has 2 older children. They've been partners for ....hmmmmmm.... about 8 years now and his partners son is 19 and her daughter has just turned 15.

My parents weren't entirely sure how they should treat J&H when my brother and partner got together - but they would always make them welcome, give them sweets and treats the same as their grandson and my children (they live less than 2 minutes away from my parents).

The children were disciplined differently by their mother to how my brother disciplined his own child... but as time went on and the family dynamics came together - it came to a united front on most things. My parents had to do the same - the children were all treated equally. If my little nephew and niece got into trouble... which they often were with my parents <love those naughty kids> - they were treated identically.

My brother hasn't remarried - but his partners children are certainly their grandchildren, they are my niece and nephew and they are my childrens cousins. We're not blood tho but they are treated as family.

My nephew is obviously an adult now and he has a further extended family so tho he's still at my brothers house, he does his thing. I don't think my parents worry about the teenage antics that he gets up to quite as much as they worried about my teenage son's antics. I don't worry about J the same way as I would worry about my little nephew - he's a grown up lad and working and I rarely see him - he's still family tho.

My niece who is just 15 has a brain tumour - they worry about her the same as they would worry if one of my kids had a brain tumour. I am very close to my niece - I probably worry more about her than my little nephew and I love him with everything in me.



So, in saying all that - being "biological"... well, I believe that it would be better for your daughter if you could find it in your heart to accept and welcome these children into the family. You would not be expected to love them immediately - gosh, you may not even like them.... and I do agree that this could be very dependent upon their age - if they are littllies - I do hope you would be able to treat them the same - even if you don't feel the same way towards them.

It also depends on their circumstances - if they are older and have bio grandparents already... they don't necessarily want a new "grandma". A little respect all around I believe would be in order.

I wish you well - it can be difficult when families comes together. Please do try and give the children a chance. If you don't wish to look after them or have them forced upon you, then you really do need to talk to your daughter about this - this is not the children's decision and if you're aware you are going to stuggle having them around - that would be quite unfair on the kids.

Once again - you are not expected to love these children at the drop of a hat. That comes in time. Give it a little time and watch the children grow.

They are children... grand or not.

I wonder if you are even remotely aware of the powerful postitive impact that you could bring upon this entire family - if only you would not think of your own feelings, but the feelings of these children.

You are not required to love these kids, just be a grandmother to them.
The love may or may not come later.

In the meantime, bake some cookies with them. Start there.

Everyone here is being so nice so I'll be the mean one. All the crap about "biology" makes me sick. Biology doesn't mean anything.

I am so glad you're not my mother. My mom's door and her heart have always been open to everyone who came into her life. She married my father, a widower with a young son, and his son became her son, and woe to anyone who suggests he is not hers. Not only was he family, all of his deceased mother's people were family. When my sisters and I came along we benefitted from a surplus of grandparents who loved us.

I realized what an incredible person she is when I adopted a son and his biological family also became part of my family. It isn't always easy... but what family is always easy?

If your daughter loves this man and his children and you don't welcome them openly into your life you will risk losing your daughter. You really need to think about that.

In such "blended family" situations my concerns are mostly with the children & the adjustments they must make. It can be quite bewildering for them, figuring out how to treat some new person (who they might or might not know very well at all) who has suddenly become their new "mum" or "dad" or "grandma" or "grandfather", etc.. They may have previous established loyalties (and may be grieving about the loss of those connections), they might have had a rotten time in the past with the very people who were supposed to act like "family" & were supposed to have treated them well, but mightn't have. Whatever their past experience, you can be pretty certain that they are at least as apprehensive about this new situation as you are.
I'm by no means an expert in these matters, but the kindest thing you could do for these new children in your life is to be open to them. Be prepared to engage with them. Talk to them & listen when they speak to you. There is no way you can instantly become a grandmother to them, but you can be welcoming & open to getting to know them better. Then see what happens after that ... you never know, they might bring new joy to your life. But that won't happen unless you give them a chance.

U have to be U. Don 't be a hypocrit.
I suggest that u get to know them and then decide whether or not
u can accept them and how closely. Maybe it depends on their personalities.

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
and it must follow, as the night the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man." Bill Shakespeare -- Hamlet





David