Horrible experince with dating a widow

For the first time in my life there is part of me that does not want to live anymore. I would never harm myself, I just feel that there has never been another time I felt so sad. I thought a lot about my life and have been trying to be a really good person. I actually don’t think it’s that hard, although life has to remind me of tough lessons from time to time. I searched hard to find a really good person to be with after last year’s events of the end of a longterm breakup, and surprisingly met an amazing person. She is 27 and I am 35. I knew she was damaged since I learned she had been grieving the loss of her husband for a year and a half. Things started off with us fine and we moved in together. The anniversary of his loss a few months later stirred up a lot of emotions and we went through our first and only fight where she moved in with her sister. She was grieving and I found a suitcase in her closet that had clothes from her husband. It wasn’t even like we fought since there was no actual fight "it was just her shutting down after I tried to talk with her. It only took 3-weeks for us to come back together much stronger and happier. We laughed and had great times and even talked about marriage soon, with her excited telling her friends and family. Everything seemed really good.

Until last week when she was sick and I brought over a bunch of things to make her feel better, including ingredients for homemade chicken noodle soup. We have been together for jst over 10 months. At the end of the week she still wasn’t well so I was over again with her and her sister. We started talking about the topic of pregnancy with the symptoms she had so she then took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. She took another and of course it was positive as well. Things were ok in the discussion since her and I had talked about it before. She seemed fine with it at first. As the evening progressed we started talking about the future and she stated that she will only live in the city we live in now, so no suburbs near by. I agreed that the city was preferred although replied that we must be flexible and open to what is best for us and the baby. She was not feeling well and did not like my opinion. I never experienced anything like that with her before since she is the calmest person I know. The discussion progressed and her sister started saying that she should have an abortion and I was shocked and hurt to be put through that experience. It was around 10:45pm so I got up from the table and started to put my shoes and jacket on to leave, but before doing so I walked over, put my arm around her waist and kissed her head and told her I would speak to her the next day. Maybe I should not have left although I refuse to get into an argument with her. I promised I would never do so however I was hurt that she put me through that with her sister. This decision was between her and me "not her sister. Anyhow, later she text me asking if I was ok. I responded back and we went back and forth on what happened and I told her how I feel. She was upset saying I wasn’t caring about her feelings and was only focused on myself and the baby. I told her that wasn’t true. Well, the texting went on and she said “of course I want this baby”.

The next morning I sent a text to ask her how she felt. We talked about food and she told me to come over and she will make me breakfast so I headed over. This time she did not look happy and we started talking as I ate breakfast. She was very upset that I had walked out on her. I told her the same thing I said the night before about not liking how she put me through that with her sister, although she didn’t seem to care. She then started saying that she will have this baby and give it to me to raise. I asked what about her and she said I don’t care about her, only the baby so she will give it to me. Soon after she said she is going to have an abortion and started looking on the computer of where to go, reading to me on the procedure. I was shocked being in this situation with her. I had tears in my eyes and told her ‘well you know I cannot be with you then”, she said “you don’t want to be with me anymore” and I said “no” and left. I know I need to learn my lesson about walking out although I was hurt and promised myself I would not fight her.
I walked home from her place in the rain to take time to think, which took over 1-hour. The next day (Sunday) I had started texting her again saying I am sorry for leaving however I couldn’t believe she caught me off guard like that. We had spent all week with messages back and forth and she stated she was going to the doctor Thursday. I told her I should be there with her and prayed she would not follow through with it. She was angry. She said she could not trust that I love her and was not sure if she loved me anymore. She then said she had to reschedule the appointment until Saturday and needed time to think.

The next day she contacted me stating the same thing. I asked her to meet me to talk and she agreed so we met last night for dinner near her work. I have never seen her like that and she dominated the discussion. For someone so tiny she is an incredible smart and strong woman. I told her that we couldn’t go through with this and she had our baby inside her. She told me she was going to take a pill and it would be over with because I don’t love her. I told her that wasn’t true and of course I love her. I want to spend my life with her and this baby. I told her if she took this pill our baby would die inside her for up to 2-weeks while she has bleeding with bad cramps. It is her B-day next Tuesday as well and her sister leaves that day for Japan for 3-months. I told her I am so worried about her. I told her I am fully prepared to raise this baby with her emotionally and financially and she blew it off. She looked angry and upset. We ate and I walked her home trying to get her to rethink this. I could see that she was afraid and hurting inside although she was trying hard to keep her composure. She told me to meet her at the doctors Thursday morning so I realized she never rescheduled. She told me we will build a family together when we are ready.

I walked home from her place again last night to think and then sent her a text once I returned home. She told me back telling me to take it easy and will see me in the morning. This morning I was with her in the doctor’s office full of people as she filled out the forms for a 4-6 hour procedure and asked me if I could stay that long. I told her I couldn’t (which I said because I was having a difficult time being involved with this). She asked if I could come back and then said she will take a pill instead of the procedure. I asked that she please give us more time to work this out. She went to the receptionist and then sat on a different chair near the front filling out paperwork. I felt like I was going to be sick. It was horrible.

I had a little bag that I brought which was full of her things she had at my place, so I placed the bag at her feet and left. I went to a Church and lit 3 candles, one for her, one for the baby and one for me, all in a row. The one on the left and right were lit ok, although the one in the middle that I lit of the baby was dim. It was lit although not brightly. I prayed that God gave her the faith not to go through with it.

Maybe I deserve this life. Maybe I do. But this baby didn’t and I am so sad in what this girl and this baby had to go through. I still hope that she didn’t go through with it and we could work this out, Im just not sure on any chance of that being a reality. Thanks for listening.