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please have a look at my writing

 
 
Reply Thu 27 Aug, 2009 07:43 pm
If you have time, please give some corrections on my writing. I appreciate even one revision.

Task: What are the causes of juvenile delinquency and what are your solutions?

My writing:
There is a growing tendency for adolescents to break laws and regulations in present-day society. This phenomenon is caused by the following reasons.

To begin with, the unhealthy contents in books, movies and on the Internet play a vital role in youth crime. Teenagers are in their formative period, so if they are exposed to the blood and nudity, they are likely to follow it indiscriminately. Second, owing to the increasing working pressure, parents leave less time and energy to take care of and educate their children. As a consequence, they become apathetic to other people and may even feel guiltless to hurt others. Finally, a great number of schools only focus on students’ academic grades and overlook their personalities and mental health.

Although juvenile delinquency is severe, we should resort to some solutions. First of all, the government must take stringent censorship to limit the violent and pornographic books, movies and the contents on the Internet. For instance, the authority and some companies can join efforts to discover new software which can protect teenagers from the violent and erotic contents. In addition, some parenting school can be established to teach parents how to get a good balance between work and home. Communities ought to hold some activities which can promote the interaction and communication between parents and children. Last but not least, law education must be brought into school education, and teachers must pay more attention to students’ comprehensive growth.

In conclusion, nowadays, our society is plagued with juvenile delinquency. However, the big headache must be addressed by the cooperation among society, school and family.
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NickFun
 
  1  
Reply Thu 27 Aug, 2009 10:06 pm
This is an opinion piece. Therefore, to say "This phenomenon is caused by the following reasons" is inappropriate. It's better to say "There could be several reasons for this phenomenon". But if you leave as is then out in a : instead of a period.

Throughout the piece you describe everything as fact leaving no room for other opinions. Perhaps say "may play a vital role".

Certainly there was no shortage of blood on the tube when I was a boy and I still turned out OK. And nudity never hurt no one.
jinmin1988
 
  1  
Reply Thu 27 Aug, 2009 10:36 pm
@NickFun,
Thank you for your suggestions, Nick.
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Robert Gentel
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Aug, 2009 11:21 pm
@jinmin1988,
jinmin1988 wrote:
There is a growing tendency for adolescents to break laws and regulations in present-day society. This phenomenon is caused by the following reasons[1].

To begin with, the unhealthy contents in books, movies and on the Internet play a vital role in youth crime. Teenagers are in their formative period, so if they are exposed to the[2] blood and nudity, they are likely to follow imitate it indiscriminately. Second, owing to the increasing working pressure stress at work, parents leave have less time and energy to take care of and educate their children. As a consequence, they become apathetic to other people and may even feel guiltless to hurt about hurting others. Finally, a great number of schools only focus on students’ academic grades and overlook their personalities and mental health.

Although juvenile delinquency is severe, we should resort to implement some solutions. First of all, the government must take stringent censorship to limit the violent and pornographic books, movies and the contents on the Internet. For instance, the authority and some government and private companies can join their efforts to discover new software which can protect teenagers from the violent and erotic contents. In addition, some a parenting school can be established to teach parents how to get a good balance between work and home. Communities ought to hold some activities which can promote the interaction and communication between parents and children. Last but not least, law* education must be brought into school education, and teachers must pay more attention to students’ comprehensive growth.

In conclusion, nowadays, our society is plagued with juvenile delinquency. However, the big headache must be addressed by the cooperation among society, school and family.


[1] It's a bit redundant to use "caused by" and "reasons".
[2] You are talking about blood and nudity in general, so don't use "the" here.

* I'm not sure what you mean here, but it might be better to use "legal education" than "law education".
jinmin1988
 
  1  
Reply Tue 1 Sep, 2009 06:13 am
@Robert Gentel,
Thank you, Robert, i appreciate your warm-heartedness and patience.
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