What is the funniest thing that ever happened to you, or that you saw happen?

Prolly has safety features.

Prolly the very funniest thing I can recall was that time I went to a pizza parlor with by boyfriend when I was 16. Beforehand, we smoked some pot, which might explain my subsequent confusion.

Some lone, young man happily introduced himself to us and seated himself at our table, then started nattering on about "The Glory of Cheeses."

Yep, on and on this odd stranger went, telling us how "Cheeses had changed his life," he was so happy he'd discovered "The love of Cheeses," and heck, I was confused.

For one thing I thought, yeah, well cheeses are great, but not THAT great; for another, I couldn't understand why he messed up his sentences' number. Multiple Cheeses? Not just one cheese?

When I finally realized, after many minutes of the stranger's happy talk, that he was actually saying "Jesus," NOT "Cheeses," I had to excuse myself and laugh hysterically in the Ladies' Room.

This happened over 30 years ago, and I STILL think it's funny!

Just today at work, I was coming back into the library from a break, and found my boss, the Head Librarian, vacuuming the cement in front of the Library.

This particular boss is, shall we say, just a BIT obsessed with cleanliness, and spends the majority of her working hours cleaning the library.

So I go inside and snidely tell a co-worker, "She's out there vacuuming the cement."

About an hour later I got a phone call for the boss and couldn't find her.

I asked the same co-worker where the boss was.

Co-worker replied, "She's probably vacuuming the parking lot!"

SNORT!

I have a truly evil one I cruelly did to my then beloved.


Said beloved still had a friendly and happy relationship with his most recent ex., who was a very nice woman.

It was the seventies, and anyhow, I had a pretty tolerant view re the odd sexual adventure by partners.

Anyhoo, the ex decided to move to another city to get a qualification she could not, then, get here.

Beloved turned up at my place one night unexpectedly, looking kind of guilty.
He was very loving for a while, and then announced he was just dropping over to see the ex, and would be back in a couple of hours.

It was absolutely clear that the visit to me was a kind of guilt/worry thing, because, also clearly, he and ex had planned a happy bye-bye bonk.


I actually thought that was sweet, but decided to be devilish and pretend I hadn't caught on.

How I tormented that poor man!!!


"What a lovely idea" I said..."I'll come too!!! I'd love to say goodbye to her!"

Anguished excuses about why that, while a great idea, wouldn't work on this occasion from beloved.

Innocent queries about said excuses from evil dlowan.

More desperate wrigglings from beloved.

Finally, I had mercy, and waved him off.


The return: "I'll just have a shower before I go to bed" We all know what the quick shower upon return means!!!

I decide to have more fun:

"Darling, don't be silly, you're fine...just hop into bed."


Declarations of especially vigorous work activities that day from beloved, talks of evil odours, couldn't possibly inflict himself upon me smelly etc.


Protestations that I found his body odour enticing.

Eventually, I couldn't torment the poor man any more:

"I do hope the bye-bye bonk was a great one?"

Confessions I had known all along and had just been teasing him.

Poor fella, after initial intense embarrassment, joins me in hysterical laughter.

"What a friend we have in Cheeses."

"I want to share with you how Cheeses changed my life."

Man, i've done so many stupid things I could send you a book.
Here is one that comes to mind right now-

I have dark circles under my eyes which I now cover up with make-up. However, before I started to use make-up, when I was about 16, I used to lie with wet tea bags on my eyes for ten minutes at a time, which made the circles fade slightly.
Anyway, the logic at the time of the incident was 'If putting them on for 10 minutes makes them fade slightly, just think what a longer span of time could do!'
So, one night I slept all night with wet tea bags on my eyes underneath a blindfold.
I woke up, and instead of my eyes looking sparkly and bright, they looked like beefburgers- my eyelids and all the surrounding area had swollen to about three times the original size, and I couldn't see a ******* thing, everything was really blurry.
So I had to explain to my mother what I'd done, and then I had to explain to the doctor at the eye hospital what I'd done, and a whole load of other nurses who all seemed to find it hilarious, but didn't know exactly what to do. Anyway, a lot of eye tests and an afternoon later the swelling went down and I could see normally again.
I think that's pretty unique stupidity.

Snort!!!!!!


That reminds me of a friend of mine, who wore soft contact lenses.

he used this tiny little rubber plunger thing to get them out of his eyes.

Never seen anyone else do that, but he did.

Now, he was a man with the looks of Dionysus, and similar tendencies as to the abandonment to various forms of ecstatic rituals and substances.

One morning, he woke in a new bed (as you do) and realised (as you do after THAT sort of night) that he had slept in his contacts.

Now, those lenses used to (dunno if they still do) dry out and stick to your eyeballs like superglue if you kept your eyes closed for any length of time.

His eyes were intensely sore, bright red, and he couldn't see much.

Panicking, he got out his contacts kit (which was in his bag) and vainly attempted to use his little plunger to get a lens out.

Well, when they are stuck like that, there is NO way of getting them out until you have re-hydrated them (by blinking a lot, or dripping saline into your eyes...it helps a lot if you cry in pain and fear) and the plunger ALSO stuck to the lens!


Panicked by now, he asked his new friend to drive him to the nearest ER.

In those days, the clerical people in the ER in that hospital were almost universally rude shits.

So...there's this panicked, desperately hungover man, with vastly swollen and reddened eyes, with a small rubber plunger sticking out of one of them, believing that his eyes are ruined and his crispy contact lenses are inextricable welded to his eyes, and he is effectively blind forever, with a clerk who is treating him with bored indifference, and never looking up at him.

You know.

Name.


Address.

DOB.

Then, in a deeply bored voice, still without looking up:

"What's the problem you are here for?"

My friend lost it. he reached over, put his hand under the clerk's chin, and raised his face until his eyes were locked with the sore, rubber-plungered ones.

"NOW can you tell what's wrong?" he asked?

I attended a boarding high school for my junior and senior years. We were
assigned chores including waiting on tables, washing dishes and pots, and the
like.

The seniors were rotated through the task of waiting on the staff. When
it was my turn, I was going around behind them with a pot of hot tea and a
pot of hot coffee. I would ask "coffee or tea" and pour the requested
beverage. I got to Fr. Mendives, a Spaniard of rather aristocratic
demeanor who always made me a bit nervous. I was behind him and to the
left, holding the coffee in my left hand and the tea in my right. He asked for
coffee so I leaned over and poured it. My right hand unconsciously
mimicked my left and I poured hot tea right onto his back. He screamed
and almost jumped across the table.

After the meal was over and we were cleaning up, Terry Jones, who was
doing dishwasher duty, walked up to me, patted me on the back and said
"Well done, thou good and faithful servant."