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young married man affair with older woman

 
 
Reply Wed 24 Jun, 2009 01:59 pm
I am 32 y.o. male married with 3 kids-4, 1, and 6 months...i am a professional...i feel as though i jsut dont want to be married...i met a 51 y.o. lady on an airplane and after a one night stand an affair happened..I meet this lady out of town intermittingly..she is a widow with 4 kids all 18 and older...she has had 1 one night stand before and only with 2 other people...both in relationships...the sex is unbelieveable...we love each other..i am twisted...i love my kids...i love my wife as a mother...just question if this is the right scenario...can i be trusted..can she be trusted...i am having a hard time seperating her from my thoughts...
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Jun, 2009 02:21 pm
Ever hear of the expression "the grass is always greener in the other yard?" Hormones are doing the talking for you. Try using the larger of your two heads.

You're infatuated and intoxicated with the novelty and seeming freedom you think you have. Take some time away from mistress and clear your head. A lot more than just yourself depend on your using a clear mind and good judgement.

Buck up and deal with your responsibilities as a marriage partner, dad and a man. You took a vow - now return to honoring it! Ultimately, one way or the other you're going to have deal with it as there's no way to escape.
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Jun, 2009 02:21 pm
@canton76,
Welcome to A2K!

IMO, the question that you need to ask yourself is would you leave your wife if your lover were not in the picture?

Of course this affair is exciting, and the sex is great. This woman is not afraid of becoming pregnant. Your wife, on the other hand, is dealing with three little kids, two in diapers. No wonder some of the excitement has left your marriage. Your wife is probably exhausted.

You married your wife for a reason. Marriage is a process, and takes a lot of hard work. There are times that we all want to "get away from it all", and find a relationship that is all thrills, with no responsibilities. The point is, that your lover has nothing to lose, and you have everything to lose.

You might want to take a week off of work, send your wife on vacation, and YOU take care of the kids. I think that you will see things from a very different perspective.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Jun, 2009 02:25 pm
@Phoenix32890,
Waves to Phoenix Very Happy
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Jun, 2009 02:31 pm
@Ragman,
Hi Ragman!
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Jun, 2009 02:35 pm
@canton76,
What did your wife do to deserve your cheating on her? Was she too busy taking care of your children? Or did she take too long from recocvering from too many pregnancies insuch a short time-frame?
0 Replies
 
canton76
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Jun, 2009 02:48 pm
Do you think this lady is trash for doing this...consider the way we met...a one night stand is one thing...falling in love is the tough part...i love this lady..but hell she is almost 20 years older than i am...and 800 miles away...something has gotta give...i have had a one night stand while married..never thought i would have cared for this lady like i do...super nice lady..it would be easier for me if she was married..but she is single and i feel like i am hanging her out to dry...i actually care if she is with someone else...that is what is driving me crazy...that may be the mistrust from the manner we met..one night stand.
Eva
 
  3  
Reply Wed 24 Jun, 2009 02:58 pm
Does commitment really mean anything to you, or did you just say those vows because you felt good at the time?
Does loyalty really mean anything to you, or did you only mean to be faithful as long as you didn't have an alternative?
Does trust really mean anything to you, or is excitement more important?

Man up.

The affair is a fantasy come true. But you have a real life, and four people whose lives depend on you. If you love them, you'll put them first. If you love yourself more, you'll eventually lose them. Life is like that.

Sorry. Welcome to adulthood.
0 Replies
 
KiwiChic
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Jun, 2009 03:29 pm
You say that your fk buddy is in her 50's? Is that the type of woman you want to 'Love'.....one who knowingly sleeps with a married man, who knows you have littleys yet couldnt give a rats a.s about them.......is that what you want? one you could never trust to be faithful to you, and I bet you think that you are the only one who shes shagging lol.
Grow up! you are in your 30's now, you have a young family......and just think when you reach her age, she will be in her 70's...think realistically, ditch the cougar!
vikorr
 
  2  
Reply Wed 24 Jun, 2009 05:37 pm
@canton76,
Hi Canton,

On top of work, kids can be exhausting for any family. Many people don’t see the fact that a relationship that isn’t growing, is dying. Do you see how that applies to your marriage? I’ll take a stab in the dark and say not " because what it means is : There are 3 relationships in the family unit that need nurturing for you : Husband/wife, Father/Child, Family unit. If you neglect any of those relationships, that relationship doesn’t grow...in the case of the established relationship (the husband/wife relationship), that relationship, if it isn’t growing, is dying.

Ie. If you aren’t taking time out, just for the two of you, the relationship dies (however slowly).

Also, part of the husband/wife relationship, is the father/child relationship...if you let your wife do all the hard yards of the parent/child relationship, and only take the good stuff, guess what will happen? (think in terms of each partners levels of exhaustion, and any resentment issues that may arise).

You understand that you don’t face any of that with your 51yr old lady? I’m guessing you do.

But it comes down to this " you made a choice to bring those children into the world. What you do will be their role model, often for life. I’ll hazard a guess that, despite being professional and likely very knowledgeable at work... say you haven’t been knowledgeable about family dynamics...and you haven’t been teaching your kids (even if they are very young) the right way to grow a relationship.

It’s never too late to learn, grow, and make things better 

ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Jun, 2009 08:07 pm
@vikorr,
To me, you're playing, which I can understand quite well but not support as any long term mode. Get in or get out. Not necessarily immediately, but work it out.
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Jun, 2009 09:37 pm
@canton76,
Nice job of deflecting.
DelightedandAmused
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Sep, 2009 03:03 pm
This is the worse type of woman that you are dealing with. She is probably willing to "buy" you things and give you money to lure you away from your wife and responsibilities. She is a lunatic who is playing like she is in your corner but she is laying low waiting until the day that she breaks up your happy home. Why would you want to be with this alley cat?

I know , I am a wife whose home was broken up by a run down alley cat but who had money to buy my husband away. She did not care that he left a small child behind and left me behind shocked about what happened. She met him and had sex with him and then stalked him constantly. She sent him money, gifts, letters, cards, cells phones to call her on. She made her presence known to me. I began to become scared of this lady, I feared she may harm us. She blatantly set out to buy him from us and she must have hit his price tab because he left. Now she travels with him, she buys him stuff, she gives him all of the money he wants and all she wants in return is for him to ignore his wife and kid and have sex with her all day. She has no shame for what she did, she is proud of buying a man away from a loving family. She could not get a man on her own merits, she had to pay for him.

That relationship will get old very soon (no pun intended) and he will realize the good wife that he left behind for this piece of trash. It will probably be too late then. He called today to say that "he loves me and misses me" INSERT VOMIT NOISE

Send this whore running away from you quickly. There is nothing good that can come from this.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sat 19 Sep, 2009 07:14 pm
@DelightedandAmused,
Quote:
There is nothing good that can come from this.


Actually, I disagree - in specific contexts. Most affairs have both positive and negative reactions within the person having the affair. The degree to which the person having the affair is having a positive or negative reaction depends on his/her particular circumstance.

In any marriage there are 3 'entities' : the relationship, an individual, and an individual. The 'relationship' is built by two individuals. If one individual is unhappy, the relationship suffers.

Often one, or both individuals have neglected the relationship. Sometimes Individual A expresses to the Individual B something that is missing in the relationship, and sometimes, Individual B just isn't willing to meet that 'missing' need of Individual A...with negative results on Individual A, which results in negative results on the relationship, and usually (if Ind B isn't blind) negative results for Individual B (and any kids involved).

While it is an individual responsibility to look after your own happiness, a major contribution to that happiness comes from the relationship.

...I'm sure most can see where this is going.

...affairs can in the short term, save marriages (I know of at least one that I'm quite certain lasted longer because of an affair, and heard of others)...because they can relieve stress, anxiety, and create an elevated/happier mood for the person having them.

I don't agree with affairs per se - I quite like the concept of marriage...and I also don't agree you should be miserable for years/decades in your marriage even after telling your partner what you need from the marriage, and them ignoring such.

sullyfish6
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Sep, 2009 08:43 pm
Poor kid - he's been bitten by a cougar.

Hope wifey doesn't find out about his affairs.
He'll have to borrow money to live on every week.
0 Replies
 
intoitdaily
 
  0  
Reply Fri 25 Sep, 2009 11:36 am
@vikorr,
you are an idiot. affairs save marriages? you have hereby been revoked of your privilege to give relationship advice.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Sep, 2009 05:46 pm
@intoitdaily,
Quote:
affairs save marriages?
I see your comprehension of the English language is poor at best. The operative word in your misquote is
Quote:
can
.

But addressing your moralistic reinterpretation of what I actually said :

Have you spoken to many people who've had affairs?

Do you know the myriad reasons for them, or have compassion for ones suffering in a misrable marriage? (by the answer probably not)

Do you understand the stress relief that can occurr for the partner that enters into an affair? The lessenning of tensions in the marriage, and the consequently new / renewed perspective of the marriage / married partner that can occurr? (by your answer, probably not)

I happen to personally know of an affair that saved a marriage, and have known others to claim such - but didn't know their relationship well enough to form my own opinion of it....where one partner was very quickly heading towards walking out on the other. Every person is different, just as every marriage is different, just as every affair is different, just as the results of every affair is different. So please, save me your condescension and ignorance.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Sep, 2009 06:45 pm
@Ragman,
Deflecting? Well, I do think the original poster is playing for thrills although I gather he is also growing to care for the woman (didn't mean that I was saying that to vikorr when I responded). I think that in most situations in the US similar to the one described, the marriage and the affair won't "hold", something will have to give.

I also think Canton had little understanding of marriage when walking into it (many of us didn't), seemingly little understanding of having a family - or the other things vikorr is saying about individuals and relationships. I'd like to see Canton get more engaged with his marriage relationship and probably more with the children too. Would he really leave his family for this woman? That strikes me as quite a move, and one the woman probably doesn't want.

But dragging this on, trying to keep both the marriage and the affair going, seems to me untenable over any long period. Maybe I'm naive on that. Another possibility is that Canton will have other more local affairs - which strikes me as sad, as I'd rather hear about him and his wife being happy together. I also assume, but can't be definitive on this, that Canton's wife would not be wanting him to be having affairs. And she's half of their relationship..

I'm sorry for the wife, for having married into this, assuming she didn't expect to have her husband having affairs and wouldn't be all right with it. Some wives may not mind it, I'm just speaking generally - we in the US seem to be particularly crabby about infidelity.

On my get in or get out comment - that was an immediate reaction that Canton has to make up his mind what he wants. Maybe he should be a life long bachelor (with vasectomy?)
ebrown p
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Sep, 2009 06:47 pm
@KiwiChic,
Quote:
Is that the type of woman you want to 'Love'.....one who knowingly sleeps with a married man, who knows you have littleys yet couldnt give a rats a.s about them.......is that what you want?


This allusion to Groucho Marx made me chuckle.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  2  
Reply Sun 27 Sep, 2009 09:57 pm
@ossobuco,
Quote:
But dragging this on, trying to keep both the marriage and the affair going, seems to me untenable over any long period. Maybe I'm naive on that. Another possibility is that Canton will have other more local affairs - which strikes me as sad, as I'd rather hear about him and his wife being happy together.
...
I'm sorry for the wife, for having married into this, assuming she didn't expect to have her husband having affairs and wouldn't be all right with it.

Pretty much agree with Osso on this.
0 Replies
 
 

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