Forcing Adults to Act Like Adults

Well, no matter what, the dog has to be fed and walked. So if your stepson fails to live up to his obligations and you and your husband don't step in, it isn't your stepson who suffers; it's the dog and by extension your stepdaughter who suffer.

I'm not saying this is a great situation and I agree to push the stepson to behave like an adult (how old is he, anyway?) but this might not be the best battleground on which to hash out this issue.

If he's not allowed to push his obligation off on us, he will certainly continue to take care of the dog as well as he has been. She adores him and vice versa. I just think it's important not to let him blow this off. To me, it's a question of honor.
He's 33 and spoiled.

Feeding and walking the dog is something they can do together--
Or, if not, it surely doesn't take a lot of time to accomplish this. He doesn't need to be with the gf 24/7.

I think it would be a mistake to give in-- It would thwart son's sense of responsibility. I'd suggest the above to him, and say once you give your word on something, how you follow through says a lot about a person.

(I think I would make a couple of trips to check on the dog without telling anyone-- and if I didn't like what I found, I'd sit son down.)

EDIT--I must be slow. I crossed your post, eoe, and agree with you. Aside from the dog's health, the son's responsibility (honor) is the issue.

I gather part of the the problem is your husband's (the dogs grandfather's) tendency to indulge his kids and the dogs of his kids.

You have my sympathy. I wound up dog sitting for 15 years.

Useful words: "This is not my problem." Your husband should be repeating the mantra to his son. If he's weak willed and the dog winds up as a star boarder in your house, look the indulgent daddy (and grandfather of the dog in the eye and repeat, "This is not my problem."

You can't give your stepson maturity or your husband a back bone but you can maintain your own integrity.

I agree that if your stepson will not neglect the dog, I think you should stand your ground. I also agree with Jes that if there is a chance of the dog being neglected, then that's a whole different ballgame because then it would be the dog who suffers. Your stepson made a commitment and he should follow through with it until his sister comes back.

OK -- I'll take the other tack. Please, eoe, don't be offended:

What would have happened to the dog if the brother hadn't agreed to take care of it?

How old is the stepdaughter? In a way, it is all her fault for getting a dog when she was joining the military.

Were the kids ever your kids in the home, or did you enter the scene after they left? Do you have kids on your own or is this your only brush with parenthood?

It sounds like this is at least partially a step-family problem. If the daughter & son were your own, you'd be more willing to make arrangements so it is easier on them. Look at Noddy -- she's had a dog for fifteen years. When they're only grown-up step-kids, there isn't so much give & take.

Granted, the son made some sort of commitment, but was he forced into it? Are he and his sister closer because their father has switched his interest to you? Did the daughter have anyone else she could turn to? Did you disapprove of the dog when she got it?

I'm coming from the kid's perspective... I had a stepmother who hated anything that my dad did for us. We'd left home and he was all hers. It didn't make for very friendly relations. If I were you, I'd consider trying to see things from that perspective. Maybe you'd find that the son just wants a little breathing room -- a dog, especially somebody else's dog -- is a big responsibility, as you admit. The people who have gone to war (even a stupid one like this) need support. There are total strangers who have volunteered to take care of dogs like this. If the dog is too much trouble for you, then you could probably find one of these good Samaritans where you are to help. Don't be surprised if both the daughter and son get very angry that they don't have your help.

And please, don't be mad that I'm not going along with this honor business. In a family everybody pulls together, especially in extraordinary circumstances like this.

He wouldn't do the dog any harm. That really isn't in his nature. He may not groom her like he should but he feeds her, walks her, plays with her and she's crazy about him.
He's basically a good guy but he's spoiled, can be unthinkingly selfish and has taken forever to grow up. His desire to leave the dog with us would be backsliding in a major way and, for his sake, I don't want to let him do it.

He's 33 years old! and can't keep a promise to his sister?

He needs a slap upside the head.

I also don't think it would do the dog any good to be put in another home especially when the dog is happy where it is, so I still think the stepson should continue to care for the dog that loves him so much. It wouldn't be fair to the dog to move it to another home and then back to the sister when she gets back. Dogs get depressed too.

Just read what Piffka wrote. I didn't want to go into too much background about it all but...okay.
My stepdaughter brought her first dog eight years when she left the Marines and returned home. She moved in with her father and I, with her dog, but never trained the dog so the dog used our downstairs bathroom as her own. Okay? Never having a pet, I knew this couldn't be right but her father and I were just married and I was trying to be the understanding stepmom.
Daughter then went back into the military, this time she joined the Army, and asked if we would keep her dog until she finished with basic training, etc, etc. I told her yes but only if the doggy was housebroken before daughter left. Well, that didn't happen so the dog continued to poop indoors for a year until I was just completely fed up. It was just too stupid and I told my husband to have his daughter come and get her dog but instead, daughter sent the dog to stay with her mother in another city. It was about two months before her mother got tired of the dog pooping in her house and so, daughter then had to take the dog with her. By then she had an apartment off-base but, turned out, it was a pet-free building and in the end, she had to get rid of the dog.
A year or so later, daughter moved into a house and got another dog. The dog we're dealing with now. She trained her very well this time, housebroke her, the whole bit. A year later, daughter was being shipped to Kosovo and asked her father and I to keep her dog. We agreed and kept her for six months. As Piffka said, being responsible for someone elses' dog is different than your own and working from home, it was me who the dog gravitated towards,following me step for step all day long and it got on my nerve. This is part of why I don't want the dog here now. When daughter returned, she knew that she would be shipped off again in six months and hinted towards her father and I keeping the dog again but he and I agreed that we wouldn't. When she finally came out some time later and asked us to keep her dog, Daddy was about to give in but I insisted that we stick to our decision not to and daughter accepted that with no problem. She then decided to leave the dog with her mother but something changed somewhere down the line and when daughter got her orders for Iraq, she ended up leaving the dog with her brother.
I know he had no idea he'd be keeping the dog this long and I can appreciate his desire to be free of the responsibility but he made a commitment to his sister and just like we kept our commitment and did not try to throw the dog off on him (and don't think I didn't think about it), I feel that he should uphold his commitment to his sister and not push the dog off on us just because we're available. As far as I'm concerned, we're NOT available.

Okay... that fiills in the details. This is a sad story with the poor dog being the big loser. It IS the daughter's fault -- she sounds foolish to think she can have a dog and be in the military. She's pawned the dog off on her brother and now he is chaffing under the strain, poor fella.

At least it is not the pooping pup.

Not an easy row to hoe, eoe. You can't, of course, force anybody to act.... so forcing an adult to act like an adult is not going to happen. All you can do is continue to say you won't help. I suspect that the brother will continue to take care of the dog and hope real hard that his sister comes home soon.

Best of luck to you.

I don't know, Piffka. I guess its good to have a Devil's Advocate, but the 'extraordinary circumstances' are a 33 year old man, possibly wanting to ditch his dog responsibilities because he wants more time with his gf?

He hasn't asked yet. Maybe he won't. Hearing how step daughter keeps fouling up with dogs-- Bless her heart. She's out there doing such an impossible job. But, I don't think dog ownership is a good idea, when you have to live the kind of life she's currently living. That is the main problem.

eoe has every right to speak up and not bear the burdens of dog ownership, IMO. If the brother said he's do it--it is completely his responsibility.

EDIT--Passed Piffka's post above.

I think there must be OTHER places the dog can be kept. Has he tried every friend and every relative? Surely someone must want to care for the pooch!

I'm not just being a devil's advocate -- I disagree with what you all are saying. For one thing, you're willing to condemn this guy even though he hasn't asked eoe yet. For another, I've never met a stepmother who thought her stepkids were anything but spoiled (Sorry eoe, I'm sure I'd feel the same way as you, but there it is.). I suspect the brother was probably forced into this situation by his sister who was likely desperate. We can all imagine being guilted into helping someone, especially when they are going overseas to fight a war.

What does his age have to do with it? If he were 21 it would be OK? If her were 18? At what age would it be OK? Plenty of older men dump bigger responsibilities than this... like their children. The guy has been taking care of this dog for months, surely much longer than he expected. What was an OK situation is not that way any longer. Someone needs to be the hero, here. As I said, I think he will continue to take care of the dog and wish he weren't and wish that someone would help him out. I'd say he's the reluctant hero. And yes, if it were my kids, I'd be helping. I've had animals all my life and pity them more than most people.

My bad, Piffka. When you said you'd take the other tack--for some reason I thought you were Devil's Advocating.

Didn't want anyone to think I'd condemned the guy.

Age may have made a difference to me, but only if he was a teenager--which I thought was a possibility when I read the first post.

I'm not condemning the guy either. I just think anyone who makes a commitment should stand good with it. I think it was nice of him to do it in the first place.

I think it's important to stick to what you've agreed to do and age has nothing to do with it. That's something that you try and teach your children as soon as possible and demand it of them for as long as you need to. As adults, there's no excuse for wimping out on a promise just because it's no longer convenient. No matter how many do it.
But you're right, Piffka. He hasn't asked yet. We'll get to all of that this evening once he gets home from work. But the dog has been here since Saturday morning when the girlfriend moved and we were surprised that he didn't come to pick her up last night, which started me to thinking...
Someone needs to be the hero here? Absolutely. He needs to be the hero and do what he promised his sister he'd do.

Maybe the sister serving in the military could just give the dog to his brother? It would at least be his to keep should he and gf get really attached. I think it would be tough to give up a dog I cared for and loved.

Send the dog to my house. There are lotsa people like me, who take care of dogs until a new and perfect owner can be found. My volunteer work is with the SPCA, where foster dog-parents keep the dog until a new owner is found. I'm only thinking of the dog here. The SPCA at times uses animal behaviorists, like one I had for a spell that had never been outdoors. (Jack Russell, of all dogs to be the forever house pet.)

Tex-Star
I've just become one of your biggest fans :-D