What should I do newly married but pretty miserable?

two months before we got married!

Went to gym today, had a great session ... feeling better for making the start

He sent this pic, two months before we married. That's when I wanted to leave but he talked me out of it saying it was nothing but some fantasy

Bloos, something that is 'nothing but a fantasy' isn't acted out, or set in motion. Your husband (to be) very obviously, at the very least, set out to make it a reality.

The fact that this happened only two months before you got married should say something to you about his concept of :
- love
- being in love
- marriage (because he supposedly had found the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with...that he loved deeply, and cherished, etc)
- marriage vows (don't think committment starts just because he uttered words - that parts a legal technicality - it's the heart that matters)
- respect (for you, for your feelings, for your love, for your committment etc)
- loyalty
- committment

Strangely enough, I'm not saying he doesn't love you. I've found that people can love their partner and quite happily engage in affairs (or sometimes, unhappily engage in affairs). Sometimes they do so out of a miserable or incomplete relationship, sometimes through circumstance, sometimes just because they can. There's certainly a difference between love, and being in love...in relation to the likelihood of someone cheating. And their humanity and character comes into play too.
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Glad the Gym helped you. Exercise activity is perhaps the one time proven cure to depression/blues.

He has made at least two critical errors. 1) going outside of the primary relationship to get his needs/wants met before allowing his wife the opportunity to do it. 2) lying when confronted with the activity ("it is just fantasy". NOT.)

Really feeling much better having got this all off my chest ... no one knows about this, nobody in my family even except for a brother.

I would like to do something romantic ... feel better within myself ... I really want my marriage to work as I do love my husband very much and am a better person for being with him.

Any ideas?

RUN, the b.....s don't change, RUN for your life and don't look back

Run like hell hon.

It takes two to make a successful marriage. You don't really have any control over your husband's actions. If he wants a successful marriage he will behave himself in away that he knows will make you happy. If someone is out hunting for fantasy thrills two months before their wedding - they are not really interested in being married or making their partner happy. It shows a lack of respect and caring. You will have to decide what you are willing to put up with to keep this marriage going, but I doubt your husband is going to remain faithful for long. The internet is very tempting and makes cheating very easy.

Being swept away can sort of happen, at least on a passionate level, but for long term happiness you should aim for love, respect, trust and true friendship.

Keep up the gym workouts- good for your self-esteem and maybe a benefit if you find yourself back on the dating scene.

Actually, I think this is great advice. If this is a fantasy for your husband, maybe you should come through for him and expect he'll do the same for you.

assuming that you want to do this romantic thing with your husband, you should be talking to your husband not us. Figure out together what you should do. You two need to get onto the same page.

What my wife and I usually do is ditch the kids and go someplace nice for a long weekend, which will include lots of kinky sex. But to each his/her own.

As a word of precaution - together with Nickfuns advice....this advice can be interpreted in a very one sided manner, which unfortunately may have poor consequences for you.

I would say, not that you get on the same page (which can = just one partners page, at the expense of the others), but rather, a common page (so you may have differences, and choose the page where your common interests are).

It's fun to experimental, but always be true to who you are. If you know you won't like it, don't do it.

true, and there are a lot of things that you might try at the right time with the right person, so they are "not now but maybe later" ideas.



There is some nit-picking right there....of course I meant that the two come together and decide together where to drive this marriage, unless the two WANT to do a D/S relationship.

I realised it can be seen as nitpicking, just as I realised that people can read it in a different light

Bloos obviously isn't into a D/S relationship (to the degree you're talking about)

I think she has to look at his behavior AFTER the marriage. My husband and I both had baggage BEFORE committing to each other. We never brought it p again.

Is he still continuing his computer sex, even when he has a willing partner at home?

You can write this off as pre-wedding jitters or you can hold on to it to justify his behavior. It seems to bug you a lot and I think you keep going back to it, even when he doesn't do he dishes.

Learn to let go of this and look at his PRESENT behavior.

Thanks for the Sullyfish6! I cannot begin to say how pleased I am about writing up on this page ... been great!!

Hi Bloos,

In a way, I agree with sully on some things, not on others.

Hi Sully,

Everyone is entitled to pre-wedding jitters...the thing in debate is whether it is actually pre wedding jitters, or not.

I personally don't think that sending naked photo's of yourself to a girl under an assumed identity is something classed as 'baggage', or 'pre wedding jitters'.

Looking at the circumstances of the naked photo :
- it wasn't 'circumstance' (eg. a work colleague) that he fell for her (enough that he wanted to get in her pants), because he sought her out online
- he's sought her out under an assumed identity - so this wasn't an identity he uses for his friends. It was made for a specific and secretive purpose.
- using an assumed identity - that other girl he was trying to have sex with, doesn't truly know who he is.
- it wasn't something that 'just occurred' : he was actively trying to make that relationship grow / occur / deepen / hot up (by sending the naked photo)
- this happened only 2 months prior to the wedding...ie. he was trying to get laid 2 months before he got married

Honestly, the bondage sights that he visited...Bloos, you may or may not have a problem with that - it depends on how into it he is, and whether he can do without it. That's hard to find out. I do think in relation to this, you may have put too much weight on it (but again, you haven't really supplied much info on this).

But the naked photo thing (if you want monogamy) is a bigger issue, because it speaks about his nature/character.

Not to go on and on, I agree with vikorr.