What should I do newly married but pretty miserable?

Anyone?

Take care of yourself. Quit complaining. I know...sounds mean. But I am not trying to be. Do you love your husband? Don't just tell him you need his help. Ask him how he can help you. Ask him what he is willing to do to help you around the house. And then - let him do it. You don't do it for him. That just causes resentment.

Go exercise, eat right, take care of you. It will make you feel physically better and it will cause you to have a better self view. Your image will improve for both you and him.

All in all - marriage is hard. I have found that it is cycical. There are times that I work harder in the home than him, and times where he works harder in the home than me. There are times when I feel neglected and when he feels neglected. But then there are times when we are in sync and those are great times and well worth all the other times. Try to remember in the times where things are off - that you do love him. Laughter is an amazing thing...find ways to have fun together.

As far as his fantasy seeking...maybe he is just bored. I don't know - not really qualified to answer there. But the plain fact of the matter is - marriage takes work, creativity and stick-to-it-tiveness. But like anything you are willing to expend such energy on - it is worth it. At least to me.

I agree with Mismi that you should take care of yourself and that might include a visit to a doctor to see if you have any chemical imbalances that might be causing depression beyond your marriage situation at this moment.

However, on the marriage issue, I have no idea why people stay married if they are miserable. Marriages are all up and down, but yours sounds like a train wreck. It's not the 19th century, you're allowed to get a divorce and find happiness elsewhere. I see no reason for you to stay married based on what you have told us here. Better to be alone than be in a relationship with a man that makes you unhappy.

Oh Green Witch! They have just been married a couple of months. Give it a little longer anyway! Two adults learning to live in the same house is just hard sometimes.

But Bloo - you can't try to please him all the time. Sometimes he is just going to be unhappy and you can't let that make you unhappy. We are all imperfect and cannot be made happy by another person. We have to find that happiness for ourselves...and generally it has to do with your identity. Not what he thinks of you - but what you think you are and how you best function. That is your best way to be happy within your marriage. If he loves you and you love him...then you can figure out a way to make it work. He obviously has done some things that perplexed and annoyed you...but you will do the same to him - eventually anyway. It's just part of it.

Seriously - ask him what can he do to help you around the house. Tell him what you are willing to do and when you know what each other expect, it should make it easier.

I was told one time by my husband that I thought he knew what I was thinking all the time. And he said he NEVER knew what I was thinking. So, I make sure he KNOWS WHAT I AM THINKING now. And if he gets mad - I just shrug my shoulders and say - I just needed you to KNOW what I was thinking. He usually laughs. Sometimes not. But we usually end up at some mutually acceptable place.

We are total opposites. I am creative and emotional. He is stoic and a huge nerd. I am all about getting done what I have to get done. He is all about reading - always - reading and baseball - or football. I have to stop and have fun with him, he has to stop and help me get done what needs to get done. We don't always do what the other wants - and it causes issues. But we work them out mostly. It is not perfect. We are a hard match. But it would be hard with anyone else as well. So I choose to stay here. But again, that's just me.

Being a newlywed is supposed to be all sunshine and roses, but the truth is that it is a really hard adjustment.

I didn't mean to imply she should run out a get a divorce and maybe I'm just reading between the lines too much, but I feel there is more going on here than housework. The solution to that would be to hire someone for a few hours to help out with dusting and vacuuming. However, I'm sensing something deeper about a lack of trust and a true depression on the part of the poster. I also think she knows there is more to her new husband's life than he has let on. A little porn is no big deal (at least not in my book), but I think she knows it might be a bigger issue and it's haunting her emotionally - and she's probably right. But I'm just guessing.

So you say you got "talked into" marriage and now after a few months you are miserable and at the end of your rope...A FEW MONTHS??? Clearly a big part of the problem is that you were never "all in" and totally committed to the marriage. Your husband no doubt senses this, though maybe he can not articulate this and may not even consciously realize it. He thus stands back, does not go all in either.

What to do? Either commit or get out, move one way or the other. If you are going to commit then you have work ahead of you as has been mentioned,and part of that will be shrinking the disconnect between your expectations of what marriage is and the reality of what marriage is.

Maybe get him some whips and chains. And get yourself a leather bustier and some boots. Make sure the handcuffs are snug.

Sorry -- there's been so much practical advise here I though I would spice it up.

don't put yourself down Nick,that is very good advise. She would do well to explore BDSM and Kinky sex, it will give them more to do together and could easily turn into a deeply bonding experience. She should not however allow herself to be pressured into anything that she does not want to do, and likewise should never at some certain future time blame hubby for whatever kinkiness they end up doing together.

Married and miserable. That sounds about right to me.

Misery and marriage, misery and marriage,
go together like a horse and carriage
ask the local gentry
and they will say it's elementary...

That's too bad, they should. The "honeymoon" should last more than a couple of months.



I don't really understand this, unless there is a lot more to his "fantasy life" than you've described.

It's not as if you discovered this after the marriage. Apparently you were able to reconcile the issue, before the wedding, in some way that enabled you to still marry him.

It's not unusual to be upset by learning he visits Bondage sites, but you should explore why that is the case.

Most of the people who have or even act out bondage fantasies are not true sadists who derive sexual pleasure in the suffering of others. Pain and pleasure are not so vastly separated as we may assume, and I think someone who gets a kick out of mild spanking and the like is hardly a twisted pervert.

Unless he spends all of his time perusing bondage sites, what is the real harm in this activity? Surely you appreciate that as much as he may love and desire you, he is not incapable of erotic thoughts that involve others. In my opinion, it's pretty foolish, and pointless to attempt to police anyone's thoughts. It is appropriate that you expect him not to act upon his fantasies concerning other women and that he remain faithful, but mental fidelity is a demand no one with a normal libido can meet.

Do you really believe that viewing pornography is betrayal?

When he sees an attractive naked woman in a conventional film or in conventional magazines, do you think that he doesn't or shouldn't experience some level of arousal? Do you think he should close his eyes or quickly turn the page?

When you see an attractive man depicted in an erotic manner (A young muscular model wearing briefs in a magazine advertisement for example), are you unfazed? Do you avert your eyes or turn the page. If not, are you guilty of betrayal?

You haven't provided details on how he uses his fantasy names in e-mail and facebook, but does it involve anything more than flirtation or fantasy? Do you think he has or is trying to establish an actual relationship through use of these identities?

Has your husband sought to introduce bondage into your sexual lives? What do you think about that? Could it appeal to you? Would it sicken you?

If the latter, it may be tough to accept that rather than sickening your husband, bondage turns him on.

Of course all of this is in the context of his fantasy being essentially harmless. If you have reason to believe he's a true sadist and is turned on by extreme violence, run, don't walk, away from the marriage. It doesn't sound like this is the case though.

It's also the case that most of my questions are rhetorical and meant to be answered in your head, not in this thread.



Why did you introduce the subject of children, if it's not a "train smash" to you or your husband? You can have children, you know, through adoption. Have you and your husband discussed this option? Are you in agreement on what to do or not do about it?



Do you have a job outside of the home?

If you do and the problem with housework is that it not being fairly shared, talk to your husband. It's hard to believe that he would let his marriage end because he doesn't want to do his fair share of housework.



This is a pretty good foundation upon which to build.

Sounds like you're suffering from depression. Have you ever sought medical attention for depression? Do you have a history of frequently feeling "down in the dumps?"

Exercise should certainly help, but you may also need medication.

There are many self-tests for depression available on the internet

Search for the text "depression tests" on Google and you will find a long list from which you can choose.

These are not a substitute for seeing a doctor but they can help you decide if you should see one.

Remember, you don't have to have the symptoms of severe depression in order to be helped.

Good luck.

Out of curiosity, how did you come to learn of your husband's fantasy names and websites he'd visited?



What made you want to walk away, the fact that he had fantasy names on the internet or the type of websites he visited? What about his viewing websites on the internet makes you miserable?Who talked you into staying, your husband or someone else? If someone else, have you talked with your husband about this at all?



I assume that like the website visits, you knew this before you got married. Were you miserable about not being able to have children before you were married? Have you and your husband considered adoption?



Create a chores calendar, stick it on the refrigerator and ask your husband to sign up for the chores he is willing to do solo. Add your name to the ones you are willing to do solo. The remaining ones are the chores you do together or trade off from week to week so one isn't stuck doing them all the time.

Bloos - how old are you and your husband?

Perhaps it's youthful over-expectation of what marriage is all about.

Please find a counselor to talk to about all this. You need help in finding out why you feel the way you do. I'm more concerned about your depression than his bondage fascination and his lack of helping out around the home.

I wish I could tell you that everything will turn out alright in the end, but I can't. If you began your marriage feeling ill, betrayed, and deeply hurt then, unfortunately, those emotions are probably the ones that will come back to you when the little things don't seem so little.

If you said, "I do!" because other people thought it was the best thing for you then I think the day will come when you no longer want to live the life that other people wanted you to live. If you and your new husband are not on the same page after two months then I don't know when you'll get there.

I don't mean to be a negative Nellie, but.... well, let's just say I've been there.

The best advise I can give you is to listen to what your heart tells you. Best wishes to you, bloosmudge. I wish you well.

Hello,

In reading your post, I found it very difficult to come to any conclusion, because very often, you have overlooked telling us what your specific objection is, or have left out other important information.

For example :

-What issue do you have with the ‘fantasy names’ (the term is obscure btw).
-you don’t like bondage : does that include sex while your wrists are tied, blindfolds, handcuffs? (ie you don’t really say what sort of bondage your husband likes, nor how much he is into it, nor if he can enjoy sex without it etc)

-Did you go into the marriage informed about his housework habits? Or did he suddenly change afterwards?
(btw, Housework is a cause for grief for many couples - this may be a compatibility issue.)

Apart from that, it’s not entirely clear why you are near cracking point. It seems unlikely that it’s from a dispute over housework and visiting a bondage site (what, once? Only before marriage? Still viewing?). It just feels...incomplete.

Thank you for all your valued feedback I especially like the comment about maybe not being as committed and my husband is perhaps consciously or sub-consciously picking up on this. The whole situation is counter productive. I also think that I need to find myself again.

What I mean by fantasy names, not clearly expressed. On Facebook he had himself down as another made-up person all together using his middle name and some other random surname. I also came across an e-mail that was open on the laptop when I picked it up ... he had not shut it down ... and the page was on the 'sent' which was a naked picture of himself from a made-up name e-mail to some girl.

I also think that I believe in the true romantic idea of being whisked away ... and realise that such a thing does not exist.

You are welcome. Keep in mind that hubby needs to do half the work to make the marriage work. However, if he does not and this does not work then down the road you will feel good about yourself because you gave this your best shot. It will also be a learning experience for your next major relationship, if there should need to be one. I have been married 23 years, and while it has not always been pretty we both keep working at it....and I think that we are getting better at this.

So he's eitherwise secretive (protective of his privacy), or deceptive, or both...


He's cheating on you. There is no reason, whatsoever, to be sending naked photos of yourself to other girls, except to try and get into their pants. There's certainly no reason except secrecy to withold your true identity from a person you're trying to sleep with...the actual act of doing so is really quite creepy.


This does exist. It just doesn't last that way (in the romantic sense) forever...it can stagnate and die, or it can change with time and grow...but it doesn't stay the same.

Ah-h-h - the Devil is in the details.

He sent this email of himself 9naked) just since you have been married - or was this BEFORE you were married?