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Sun 5 Oct, 2003 08:59 am
Ok folks, me and my wife have 1 big issue. If we can get passed it, we can make it.
We've been together for 3 years. The issue never really came up until about 1 year into it. I figured it would pass, but it only got worse, *much* worse.
Now, I've always considered myself a calm person, for a good hunk of my life, I'm usually happy. And it all seemed to get better when my wife came along. But something happened.
IT all starts by her finding something to be angry about (yes angry, she get aggrivated, upset, and flat out angry, it will end up ruining her day). I can't calm her down at this point, nothing I say or do will make her feel better. The best thing I found I can do is to let her be mad and throw a tantrum. It's making me miserable, I can't stand a yelling, screaming person in my life.
In *extreme* cases, she'll try to provoke me to fight her (yes, verbally and physically). She'll push, yell, acuse, turn off my system while I'm using it, bring up past events, anything she can. Sometimes she succeds and we end up fighting, physically and verbally. We'll end up crying and yelling at 3 AM sometimes, all over something trivial and stupid.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm human, I *will* make mistakes. I self-examine myself everyday to see if I am doing anything wrong. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. But when I do, the things I find seem very small, and no big deal (like for instance, my desk being a mess). And she'll blow it *way* out of porportion.
Bottom line, I'm getting tired of her blowing little things out of porportion, and having to deal with it. I can't solve *all* the little things wrong, it's impossible. So, I hate to say it, but this is on her end. But I want to know what I can do to make this better. Anyone?
I was reading in the posts, and read about average number of time that couples have sex. I think this may also be a barometer for a relationship. So I will provide information on that aspect. When we are *not* fighting, she is usually either distant or craving affection. When she wants attention, she'll wait until I am busy with something or after she throws a tantrum (which of course kind of makes me bitter towards her). As far as sex goes, we average about 1 time every 2 to 3 weeks. I want it more, but I don't want to pressure her. I've asked her why, and as she put it, "I don't enjoy it as much as you". *OUCH*
Now girls, I've had sex before with other women before my wife, and had *NO* complaints. Also, I figured it may have been the atmosphere. So I have done the following all in one day to help: I cooked, cleaned, made a bath, massaged, carresed, put on music.......and she still wasn't in the mood. I dunno...
Bigun--
You can't change her--you can only change yourself.
You have three choices. You can accept colorful marital bliss with a virago.
You can continue as you are now, being unhappy in a marriage where to woman you love subjects you to her temper and her whims.
You can divorce.
You may need counseling to explore these options. Are children involved?
Good luck.
I agree with Noddy and I'm sorry I can't come up with anything else to say. I know that I couldn't live with a person who is always angry, but that's me. I wish you the very best.
Fortunatally, children are *not* inolved....for that very reason.
Get her a therapist, her low boiling point needs to be dealt with, either that or she's irish and it's genetic and then your hooped.
Ok, so she's not Irish. Almost sounds like she's bi-polar. If things are truely as you've presented them here (and I have no way of knowing if they are or aren't!) then she has some anger issues and needs some theraputic help.
How you would go about getting her to recognize that and get some is another ball of wax.
phoenix ... that's what it sounds like to me, that link you posted pretty much describes MY wife.
I've learned first hand you can't change your spouse, especially if they are mentally ill, you are powerless to do that. All you have the power to do is change yourself, as mentioned before.
. . . you are very lucky there isn't any children involved. Believe me it really makes things a lot tougher.
Well, I think I have good news. My wife broke down and cried, asking why i don't pay her any attention anymore; I then proceeded to tell her that her outbursts and lack of patience made her an unpleasant person to be around. We hugged kissed, and made up. Now, the only question is, can this last past this morning.
PS - Morning is when she is most cranky. . . .
It sounds like your wife is throwing hissy fits because there is something else that's really bothering her - but it's easier to pick anything else to scream about than the truth.
I've been in some pretty impressive screaming battles in my day. When she starts throwing a bloody fit, have you ever just left the house? Normally I would call this 'running away', but if she acts like a child, I'd treat her like one. Have you said "If you keep carrying on, I'm going to leave and I will talk to you tomorrow." (Have overnight bag packed - if you have no place to go, find a hotel. If one is not available, drive around until dawn)
I know this seems like a pain in the a$$, but I've found it easier if I make it clear that I absolutely refuse to deal with that kind of behavoir. No one screams at me, calls me names, etc.. - you know?
This morning may change things for 12 hours, but she'll be at it again. Maybe she's ill, maybe you need a professional......but first make it crystal clear that you're not putting up with her infantile crap. And tell her to keep her hands to herself.
PS - I was betting she was Italian. We Irish tend to get drunk and beat the hell out of someone. heh heh heh
Maybe she throws tantrums just to get your attention. I used to do that with my boyfriend back in high school. You're supposed to outgrow such shenanigans but some people never do.
Maybe you need to pay more attention to her. Spend more time together. Sure couldn't hurt to try.
It seemed to help to spend a little time with her. Now the next issue is with me, I find it hard to pull myself away from the computer sometimes to spend time with her, mainly because we would watch TV together and she would choose what we watch. Now that, I know, is a little childish on *my* part. I'll learn to get over that.
eoe: That may be the tatic she's using, becuase I've attempted what Sugar has said (*MANY* times) and she would use *any* means possible to get me to stay. The only reason that she would get me to stay in such a stressful situation, would be to get attention. So, maybe I should endure giving up the computer a few nights a week, and watch whatever she decides to watch. After all, I did marry her didn't I?
(BTW - @ 8 PM, I'm going back to my computer for an hour, I can't STAND Soap Opras, and her favorite soap come on then, but other than that, I will spend time with her for the rest of the week, we'll see what happens)
I don't blame you for not wanting to be stuck always watching things you don't want to watch. Do you think she'd be willing to take turns with the tv so you can watch what you want to watch?
Get a second tv. That's what my husband and I did. But it sounds like she may have issues about you two not spending enough time together so, if I were you, I'd turn the tv off and find something else to do. Together.
I know I could never sit in front of a tv and watch stuff that I don't want to watch.
My husband and I have very different tastes in tv. There are some things that we both like (we're both really into "Carnivale" on HBO and a few documentaries) but for the most part, especially when it comes to movies, we are very far apart. He can't bare my "romantic comedies" and if I see one more Vulcan, Klingon or Cardassian...so, we watch the evening news together, have dinner and then, we part to watch our shows until bedtime.
One thing. Since setting up my laptop in the den, I'm on pewdah while my honey is watching his tv programs. We're in the same room but not involved in the same "program." It works.
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