my wife cheated with another woman, a lesbian

You sound like a "piece of work", as Americans say, and I am not surprised your wife found that she preferred women.

What a fleeting statement contrex. I think you're being too hard on the guy.

I'm sure it would be pretty tough to deal with ...........finding out that your wife was a lesbian. Why is he the 'piece of work?'

There are plenty of women out there who have stuck with their husband even though they knew he was gay (leading a double life). I bet they tried to change him and push the other guy (s) out of the equation. Damn I'm sure it happens when partners cheat too. Trying to gain back that control over your life again. Isn't it slightly manipulating to go ahead with a marriage this way when you have doubts about your sexuality?

I feel sorry for people who have to deal with this kind of thing. An even bigger blow to think they had these feelings and yet carried on and married you. It's not fair to do that to someone. Who knows how anyone would react.

i'd rather my wife leave me for a woman than a man, is your wife leaves with a man, you're left thinking, what did he have that i didn't, if she leaves with a woman, there's at least one obvious answer

No one can force another person to love them.

So your wife is in love with another person - male or female - and you are going to have to accept that. Grieve, get mad, accept it, then move on.

You spent 3 grand on therapy? Now THAT's something I'd regret!

Interesting - because (not really believing in "labels") I would say
that just because a woman falls in love with a person who happens
to also be a woman, it's pointless to call them lesbians. They have
just each found another with whom they are comfortable being
intimate and close. To call her a lesbian is really not the truth of
the situation. She is just a person - no doubt seeking some kind of
intimacy with another person just like you. In YOUR case, it seems
like you both didn't care enough about the relationship as it existed
between YOU TWO to really recreate the room for a continuing
relationship after she "cheated on you" as you put it. I wouldn't be
surprised, my dear, if your wife wasn't in a way "pushed into"
continuing the relationship with this other woman by YOUR
inability to get over the fact that it happened in the first place. The
fact that your dear wife was human, had feet of clay (as do we all)
was, perhaps, too much for your male ego to deal with. And from
what you HAVE said here, it doesn't sound like you spent one
thin dime on family therapy OR if you did, you weren't listening
to your wife & maybe she wasn't listening to you either. But it isn't
so easy or simple, my dear, as you try to describe it. You cannot
just pigeonhole people with these labels & get away with it. You
know it ALWAYS takes two to tango as the saying goes - so what
were you busy doing while your wife found the time to develop a
relationship with someone else? From what I know of intimate
relationships, if you're paying attention to your partner at all -
you would notice something was going on immediately, from
DAY ONE, if she were having a relationship with someone else -
you would just know. But you did not, did you? All of this
makes me think that perhaps you might profit from this
experience best by simply examining your own behavior with
regards to this entire experience & situation. For in the end ,
the only person that we can EVER change is ourselves, so it
is best to do all that we can to change ourselves, get rid of any
negative, useless, old habits, learn what real intimacy is, learn
from all of our life experiences and try again. If genuine
intimacy with another is truly what you seek - you WILL find
it. I am sure of that.

I have to say, if I was having problems in a relationship/marriage, I'd first of all talk and if that didn't sort it, reluctantly split. I'd not go on the rebound with another 'person'- society is full of labels unfortunately. I'd give myself time and get to know me, which I think is exactly what she needs. To get to know who she really is- label or unlabel as you wish. I find it amazing how the guy immediately gets 'labelled' in our society as the one who neglected her. Yep, it's 50/50 in a relationship. I'm sure lots of women play away multiple times without the guy even knowing and then someone on a forum comes along and says' surely if you were taking notice of her this wouldn't have happened'. Maybe he was just too busy working his ass off paying for the bills etc? Sorry to stereotype or label.

Well my wife fell in love with another women and that women was my best friend for 17 years. The thing is my wife had this bi-curious and wanted to experiment women so she cheated me with a girl behind my back so. I had to find out by discovering what's she has been doing behind my back. So we kind of worked it out cause I told her thats still considered cheating but if she's into women then ok where do I fit in. She's like well you can join one day.. yeah I know a mans dream come true but still I dont feel comfortable about doing that cause what about the consequences? So we ended up joining this swingers club just for her enjoyment not much of mine. Yeah yeah at first it was great but second time it's not much fun. So I began to worried about the idea of her going somewhere and meeting a couple instead of one on one women. Months pass and finding fakers and women that do not step up to the plate. So one night I thought about my bff to see if this can work for a bit. She first thought it was a joke so i said no ...why not I can trust her. So we did and we did it again this went for months and not knowing that feelings started to exchange between them that I didn't see it. This went on for 5 months and one day after couple days of my birthday wife lays next to me after having a wine conversation downstairs she tells me she's in love ..i'm like what do you mean love. Like love her in bff? no i'm in love with her. So i'm like WTF no this can't be you guys can't do this. This isn't right ...plus we have two young kids...I tried so many times to tell my bff to stop this but she continues to tell me it's her decision (wife) if she wants to stop this. I'm like BS!! you need to stop this cause it's destroying my marriage and kids ..my family don't you understand! To this point I've notice she's doing this cause she doesn't have kids or jealous not having a family and she's trying to take mine. Till this day I've been having depressions , stress and suicidal
that I ended up in the hospital for a week and another time for trying to kill myself. Yes I know you must think for you children but it's not feeling up to my kids cause they are still young and I feel like I failed them. If it was longer time with they are older then who knows but not right now it's too soon.
Wife said reason is cause she's not in love with me and she felt this way for almost two years. I'm like it's not true I felt yours and know this to be true that deep down in your heart you love me but she says yes. But as a father to our kids and nothing more ..more like bestfriends. Till this day I'm still sad and can't get over it ...I still love her everything I see, hear walk around reminds me of us. My life is not worth this pain and seeing my kids especially my daughter asking and mentioning about the other women. ..Breaks my heart. I should point her out..this soo called bff out? at least her myspace that's private but you can see her and wonder why??

Like I said: scream, cry, then accept it.

You need to pull yourself together and fill the job of being a father.

You had a part in this: you did not listen to your wife, you entered into a 3-way with your bff, and then you are SO surprsied that your wife falls in love with your bff. You continue to not listen to her or accept her feelings.

Suicide is the final temper tantrum. Grow up.

dude i have 8 y/old girl and 10 yr old boy and married for 12 years-wife cheated with another chic 2 months ago and is gaga over her now..i am screwed..1/2 the years of my life just blew up and my family is screwed..feel for ya but hang in there...been worst 2 months of my life...no clue what to do

Yeah be a father. forget the rest.

After all you're just a meal ticket and sperm donor. There to provide for her offspring, that's why she picked such as dishrag, I mean, supportive caring man.


Suicide is stupid, so you spent half your life being a woman's bitch and letting society tell you you should be a bitch. And now rather than growing a pair, you want to throw the rest away? Time to man up chuck - if you had the first half of your life, you wouldn't be in this mess.

Sure it's not a PC message, 'cause that kind of thinking is why she and others can walk all over you ... no wonder they don't respect you. And if they don't respect you, they'll look for someone else to respect and have fun with.

Man up and spread the word.

You are absolutely right chriss t.What gets me is the total waste of time and energy and effort.You only get to live once and some closet lesbian has children with you and wastes the best years of your life. All the times Ive' declined affairs for nothing.Meanwhile, I didn't get the same courtesy.
It won't stop or change.you will be humiliated and broke when its over.

I just found out last month that my wife of 22 years and two children (12-15) cheated with a woman. It's been nothing short of a blindside. She said it was the first and only time she did such a thing with a woman or a man outside of the marraige. I couldn't handle it so I asked her to move out. To me she just crossed a line that can't be uncrossed. I just can't get past this deceipt.
I told her we should see a counselor if for no other reason than to get all the cards on the table so we can at least raise our children amicably and perhaps even save the marraige. She agreed. Since then she hasn't made a single effort and I found out that she has continued to meet with her and go to concerts etc. I asked her about it and she of course lied about it all every time. Then finally she admits to continue to see her she swears it's not sexual but she's the only one she can talk to without being judged. She also said she loves me but not as a husband any more.
To me that was the final straw. To me after a 30 year exclusive relationship she's merely an acquantance now and it hurts.
A lot has been said about seeing it before hand and knowing that they're not happy. One word of advice to all women out there----MEN ARE IDIOTS AND YOU NEED TO TELL US! Sure it will hurt, but at least it's before you act out. Don't just lie, decieve, and take a flame thrower to the heart of someone who you've spent a lifetime with.

same here wife stayed out all night said she was at work come to find out she was with some girl . she cryed every time one of the kids got around her we have 4 dont know what to do do i leave does she leave ,i love her but dont trust her any more . never will i dont think i can. i feel like i did some thing wrong . she said she would never do it a gain .man this sucks . what about the kids. would i be wrong to cheat on her with some girl

Wow...I have to say I'm glad that I read this thread, because I am on the other side of the coin. Im thinking of being with another girl (my bff). were both married, and both kinda unhappy with men who have broken our hearts and betrayed us many many times while we sat by faithfully taking them back. Now we just admitted to one another that we BOTH are a bit curious and want to fulfill the passion we HAD for our husbands in one another. I can't EVER imagine hurting my hubby like he hurt me, however what about me? I feel bad for all the men who were "blindsided", however our hubby's had plenty of chances to fix things...they chose porn and lies over us...

To the OP, it's natural to get angry, hurt, up-set, labels aren't good though.

I suspect, as you spent $3k on therapy, you knew your wife was "bi-sexual" before hand... Most bi-sexuals are faithful to whom they choose to be with, if not, it's like any other relationship, they are in it for the wrong reasons, with the wrong person.

ltiswhatitls.

There is no tit for tat... If your husbands have treated you both as if you are nothing, and you miss the emotions, intimacy, love, respect that you both deserve, cheating won't solve it. Going back to them giving them another chance, and then another one, won't solve it.

If you both want to be together, then leave your husbands...You've obviously expressed your dis-taste for porn and the effects it's had on your lives to no avail and go no-where, no point staying with someone who doesn't treat you right, regardless if there are children, they will cope better in happiness, than with loveless parents....

Cheating yourselves isn't going to make things equal.

well i am here just for being curious of the comments.sorry for my bad english ,i live in a very conservative and traditional country.i am married and my girlfriend is married too but i love her so much.With her the moments are just magic with my husband just boring and it all began with my curiosity.if my husband find out i will kill myself but never repent for doing what i have done and for loving a fantastic woman.i think and believe if you caught your wife once with another woman there will be for sure a second time a third...there are feelings up there and may be a lot of better sex too.

hey mate, I'm 8 months in front of where you are right now, I'm working for myself and having my two boys 9 and 7 mon-to fri makes for a hard week,then there mum picks them up and has them for fri sat night. Things get tough , kids are starting to be effected, wont leave my side around the house at night , feelings of abandonment and if my wife moves in with this chick (in a unit by her self right now) I've told her that theres no way the kids will be staying with her, she can see them as much as she wants just not with her as who knows what will be happening in another 6 - 12 months and in the mean time having my boys dragged through all this bs and effected for there teenage years, and they will be effected i dont care what anyone says I'm seeing it first hand!
I dont believe shes a lezzo its the emotional conection thats shes been craving and now meeting this lezzo and finding it with her who was in her own lezzo relationship of 9 years and has a little girl with her partner. So many things in common now there the only ones that understand, CRAZY ! And I know thats just a brand name(lezzo) but what Ive learned is that something has happened to these woman in the past where the loose trust in men and the have a loss of identity, not knowing who they are. They also may have an abandonment issue, I think with my wife some of its to do with her father dying and her mother leaving with another man a couple of years before her dad died and now not talking to her mother at all.
But something set my wife off, us not having the best 3 or so years of marrige out of our 15 years of being together and then her best friend leaving to live overseas , she had a melt down.
I can forgive her and have done consistantly but everytime she cheats on me it smashes your heart again , I've had enough now and i cant keep hanging on for her but its not just for me that I'm fighting this fight , its for what she is going to loose with the kids and also for what the kids are loosing with there mum. So there still is fight in me. I have just told her that if she cheats on me again I'm not going to go through it again and i will move on as much as i dont want to. I blamed myself for a while but being counciled help that, dont blame yourself but look at yourlife and see what changes you can make.
Mine is grog, flick it. and start to listen better try to understand how she feels more, easy to say especially when all she is interested in is feeding her flesh right now.
I've really dug into my faith in God and thats been the only thing that has helped me get this far with out hate in my heart for her and knowing that what ever happens I will be ok. I totally understand people with suicidal thoughts but thats not me , good luck mate get to church if your feeling really low and accept help from people that are willing you will find a councilor at a church they really help and dont cost you anything and if you dont want to talk about God with them Dont, but you need to talk to someone
Ry

wow another woman banged your wife that really must suck