Stuck in a love triangle

Oh, in relation to this comment. Farmermans post in this topic http://able2know.org/topic/110730-1 reminded me - sometimes there is a reason to withhold knowledge of your actions from another...but those reasons are usually to do with with protecting the other person, rather than protecting yourself

Also, sometimes there is no point in revealing certain actions of yours (say, if the relationship is over).

In the end...be honest with yourself...be brave...be responsible for who you are...and the right path (for the knowledge you have at the time) will reveal itself.

This point needs repeating...so true!

This weekend, I decided to take break from talking to both men in order to maybe clear my head so I can make a decision soon without the influence of either people. I'm not sure how long this break will be. I'm starting with just a week for now. So far it's been good in that I feel like I have time to think. I'm also going to counseling again for the next few weeks. However, I'm finding so far I'm really missing talking to the boyfriend...more so than my husband. I'm not sure if that really says something or not. I just don't know if I will ever be able to really let him go and move on.

The thing is that I have a birthday coming up in the next month and I know today who I want to spend it with...the boyfriend. And I know I can't do that without telling my husband I can't do this anymore. So I'm trying to be sure before that time approaches. My husband is pressuring me to move back home anyway. So the time for decisions is fast approaching.

One thing that makes this difficult for me is that my boyfriend is uncertain that he sees himself in a long term relationship. He just doesn't know what he wants out of life yet or that he can commit to just one person. He says all he knows is that he loves me very much and loves every second we spend together. And he says he's been closer than he's ever been to seeing himself married or with just one person. I mean, it's too early for even me to say I know I want to be with him forever. I'm trying to be okay with the fact we love each other very much now and that's all we know. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly hoping we'd work out for the long term though...assuming we keep getting along how we are once we are officially dating.

I guess in a way this forces me to make my decision NOT based on him so much (even though that would be way easier since I've been in love with him almost since the minute we met). He wants me to make the decision for myself and not for him. So it's like I'm trying to separate him out of the picture when he is holding the biggest place in my heart right now. I feel like it's almost impossible. I'm trying to do the best I can. I might just have to take a leap and go with what I feel today. And just pray I don't ever regret my decision.

Big red flag there... seems very possible that the boyfriend likes the fact that you're married/ unavailable in any long-term way. He may well freak out if you become available. He really seems to be warning you that it might happen -- that if you break up with your husband, your boyfriend might not stick around to be Plan B.

At least he's saying that in a pretty clear way, kudos to him for that.

I agree that it's a good thing that rather than putting up this false equivalency -- husband vs. boyfriend -- you instead deal with the question of whether you want to be married to your husband, period. It's impossible to know of course, not enough info here, but the impression I have is that you're scared of being alone. So your first choice is boyfriend, if you can't have him second choice is staying married, and third choice is being single for a while. I've seen way too many relationships where one or the other partner just plain didn't want to be alone and so went with whatever relationship presented itself. Perhaps being on your own for a while can help ensure that your NEXT relationship -- not the one with your husband, not the one with your boyfriend -- is more healthy.

I'll agree with Sozobe here. A lot of guys are happy to have a relationship with a married woman - because there is no committment...nothing is asked of them besides having a good time - they don't have clean (beyond normal for a guy), don't have to make many sacrifices, don't have arguments over finances / chores / nagging, don't have to worry about divorce settlements etc...ie for many guys, it's the 'perfect' relationship.

- what you want to find out is : is your boyfriend one of those types of guys?

Chances are, from what you've posted, that he is (but it is limited information). You should consider testing him (you only have limited time to make up your mind).

Though personally, I would consider the option that you spend your birthday without either guy...rushing these things is always a mistake (ie. rushing something that confuses you, usually leads to a decision you later regret, in one form or other)

Nah-- it's more exciting. All the skullduggery and cuckolding another guy is the best part.

and then the wife moves out so that she can consider who she wants to be with with out hubby UNDUELY trying to persuade her. WOW!

I am sure Dear Husband feels like a hundred thousand bucks right about now.

What are you suggesting hawk? If adultery is not illegal it must be guaranteed under the constitution surely? It's illegal in a lot of countries.

You're in favour of women's rights I hope.

of course. I am suggesting the probable husband POV. So which would get to you more, your wife being unfaithful, or that she decided that you have no more right to influence her than the BF?

Even if you are "easy come easy go" with the chicks marriage is supposed to mean SOMETHING re team work and deciding what to do together.

Do you mean his property rights? No matter how he conducts himself. What difference does it make to a woman what gets to her husband more? You're getting into moral blackmail. I'm not sure you understand the law. It enshrines a woman's right to choice, and a man's, and it exacts the same penalties for murdering the boyfriend as it does any other murder. And that sort of law doesn't exist in some countries. We chose it.

It's an old English saying that a wife won't stray if you keep her well shagged and poorly shod. Woman don't like that saying but there is some truth in it.



I wouldn't dispute that although I can't imagine this "deciding what to do together" thing. It makes it sound like a project or a job. Your terms are too loose. Especially "chicks". They ain't no chickens and that's for sure. They are pulsating beings of a somewhat terrifying nature.

I myself am stuck in a similar situation...i have left my husband and it has been almost a year and a half and i have been with my much younger lover. It has been such an amazing relationship, however i question our age difference and the fact that our families do not support us. My husband (who has a new girlfriend) has finally forgiven me, however he suggested we see if there is anything left before we divorce. I miss aspects of my former life, and my husband too. He claims he has changed...still loves me and realizes how he took me for granted. Do I give up (and hurt the one I adore) my lover to give my ex one last chance?????

If you have to ask, then neither one is the right one. I think you have to live alone for a while and figure out what you want from a man and from life and act accordingly.

foolow your heart dear...