Stuck in a love triangle

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I have been married for almost 4 years but became involved with a man from another city almost two years ago. We met at our best friends' wedding. We were both in the wedding. When I first met him, there was an immediate connection unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I had gone out to the city where my friend was to get married ahead of my husband to be able to help her out with things. The best man (my now lover) had gone out a little early too, so I guess there were a couple days where I was more free to talk with him since my husband wasn't present. We kissed that weekend and I felt incredibly guilty about it. At one point, we had a conversation and I found myself telling him "maybe in another lifetime" out of nowhere. The connection was so strong between us and I don't just mean a physical attraction. I never thought in a million years would I ever cheat on my husband but this pull (how much I liked the person he seemed to be) was so strong, I knew it couldn't be the last time we talked even though i know it should've been. I cried after those 4 days were over. He later told me about how sick he was leaving the airport that day as we were both off on our way home to our different cities. I told him I'd email with a link of our pictures from the weekend. I did and that started emails and phone calls which haven't stopped since. I managed to see him a few times within the next 6 months. Then another 6 months went by and we did not see each other but talked frequently. But then finally last August, we saw each other again and have seen each other almost every month since. Before I met him, my husband and I didn't really have any huge problems but I since realize I've been very neglected by him. My husband admits he is a very selfish person and didn't do a whole lot for our marriage. He has a son from a previous relationship. There were a couple very rough years with him which also put a serious strain on us. A complaint of mine in our marriage has always been that my husband doesn't want to spend much time with me. Even when this affair started, I desperately was trying to replicate the closeness I felt with my lover with my husband...asking him to do more dinners at home with me, spend time alone. He's a very social person and would turn me down saying he wanted his weekends to have us go out with friends. I would cook, clean, do so much for he and his son and I just got to a point where i couldn't take it anymore. I got nothing back. I didn't feel like part of a team. When I got back from my trip to see my lover last August, I suggested we seek counseling. My husband agreed to go but he still couldn't deliver in my opinion. He wouldn't offer to do things alone with me or try to think of things for us and our life together. After 6 months of this, I decided to move out because I wasnt' seeing any effort on his part and we have been separated for almost 3 months. Our intent was to keep seeing each other and try to make things work. We have seen each other regularly. All in all, it's just getting easier for both of us to be apart. I don't really feel us getting any closer. I have continued to see my lover during this time (still about once a month). I have never been with anyone before who wanted to spend so much time with me. We have sat for hours and done absolutely nothing and neither of us could be anymore content. I have never had this kind of intimacy or closeness with my husband. My husband and I were very in love at one point but our relationship was built on socializing and being out drinking. It was never just he and I without a big party so I wonder now if I ever really had the real deal. I am seeing how the simple things in life can be enjoyed so much with someone who can sit and genuinely want to be with you and not concerned with what everyone else is doing or where the big party is. My lover's and my relationship is not built on parties or alcohol or what everyone else is doing. It's about US and it's so refreshing and fills me up. I know I have been doing the wrong thing carrying on two relationships for so long and it's taking a huge toll on me. I am wasting valuable time. Time for all involved...not just myself. I don't want to be this dishonest person anymore but feel very stuck. I don't know how I could pass up someone who genuinely adores me and loves every second he's with me. I truly feel like this is the real deal. The way this man looks at me and I look at him. I never felt like that even in the beginning with my husband. I never felt like my husband loved being with me. I felt like he loved having me along but everyone else was most important. But I do know that my husband is a good man and am not stupid enough to think there won't be problems in a new relationship with my lover. It's just that scare to take the leap or not. Will I regret it? I am tormented by this decision lately because I know a decision needs to be made quickly. It's so stressful to keep these secrets. I don't like myself for it and feel times of depression because of it. It's not fair to anyone. My husband doesn't deserve this at all. I'm trying to follow my heart but am just not getting a clear read on anything. Any advice would be welcome at this point. It's a terrible place to be. Do I go with what I really feel is true love, someone who I feel is a better match for me personality-wise even though this is a huge risk? Or do I stay with my husband who I was once very in love with but never was given that same love and attention back. Do I settle for that and make it work?

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@jan07,

scratchin my head...
you don't need a forum to validate your decision....because I think you've already decided...Follow your heart

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Quote:

My husband doesn't deserve this at all. I'm trying to follow my heart but am just not getting a clear read on anything. Any advice would be welcome at this point.

As evidenced in your post, which I have not taken the time to read other than the first few and last few sentences, your thoughts and emotions are all jumbled up together and it is no wonder you can't get a clear read. I have the same problem reading the text of your post.

Give yourself (and us) some space to organize and focus on your thoughts. Add some paragraphs to your life and you'll get a more clearer read and we'll both be able to figure out what's going on.

1 Reply

@jan07,

I read the whole thing but I don't totally get what you're asking. You're currently separated from your husband. You say that it's getting easier to be apart. Do you want to stay with your husband? And if you do, is that even an option?

Are you asking whether you should tell your husband about your lover?

Are you asking whether things will work out between you and your lover if you... what? Fail to break up with him? Marry him? What's on the table?

I think you've been terribly unfair to your husband so far because it's an unfair competition.

For example:

jan07 wrote:

I have continued to see my lover during this time (still about once a month). I have never been with anyone before who wanted to spend so much time with me.

That's still just once a month, though! Everyday life and intense romantic getaways are just not equivalent.

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@sozobe,

Especially, I don't get the title. There seems to have been considerable movement since you first met this other guy -- you don't seem "stuck." Your marriage has already effectively ended. You've been seeing this other guy for two years and you don't seem to want to stop. Where's the "stuck"? Officially giving up on your marriage?

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@Butrflynet,

Quote:

I have not taken the time to read other than the first few and last few sentences, your thoughts and emotions are all jumbled up together and it is no wonder you can't get a clear read.

Yeah I hear that. I rarely read past the first two sentences without a clear reason to continue.

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@sozobe,

I know I'm a little all over the place with this post. I apologize if it's all a little confusing. I probably should've taken a little more time to write it. At the same time, it's probably a true reflection of how confused I am. Anyway, I guess I was just hoping maybe someone had a similar experience and could share a little what worked for them or how their situation turned out? I am very torn. I was very much in love with my husband for many years. But didn't really realize how it felt to have someone be thoughtful for me. To want to spend time with me...just me...alone. I've told my husband over a year ago what I needed from him. He's just been very lazy to take action. I'm trying to figure out which is going to be the more fulfilling relationship, knowing that a relationship will my lover could fall through, too, and then I've lost both of them. I realize it's a huge risk to leave for a lover because you are right, I realize these once-a-month trips are not real life. Even though many of them have been at his house just doing simple things...making dinner, bike riding...not extravagant stuff. Things I'd hope would be a norm for a weekend anyway. I suppose I am trying to decide whether to officially end my marriage or not. I know I have already made the decision to separate. That was a good step at first because I was able to get a little breathing room and perspective. But I know I can't exist in this state forever either. Separation is temporary. Eventually I need to go through with a divorce or decide to get back in my marriage and end it with my lover. I emotionally (even physically) can see the stress and toll this is taking on me to exist in this state. I have always been an honest person and hate that I'm on the brink of hurting so many people. I know I'm being terribly unfair to my husband. I just want to live honestly again. I really do. I know in many, many ways that no one is really going to be able to help me make this decision but am hoping I might get some more insight here.

I suppose when i first left and separated, I had hoped that by being apart, my husband and I would want each other more. That I'd see an effort from him or a desire to see me. See, I've always felt like I'd be able to get back in this with him if I felt more wanted. But he seems to have been able to fairly easily let me leave. It makes me question if this is normal. Maybe he and I aren't the best match for each other? Shouldn't people who really love each other be sick to be apart after a time?

1 Reply

@jan07,

I see two things going on here...

You question your marriage to your husband

You question your potential relationship with a new man

Although your heart wants you to make a leap from one to the other, I think it's your best interest to think logically about each one.

What are the things in your marriage that you need? (Forget about the other guy in the picture while you do this) Is your husband ever going to be able to fullfill those needs? If the answer is no, then you need to search inside yourself for what you should do for YOU.

What do you hope to accomplish through a new potential relationship? What would you do if it turns out that he is not for you? How would you feel about yourself if you had no one?

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That is a monster paragraph.

1 Reply

@jan07,

Here's the paragraph broken down some.....

jan07 wrote:

I have been married for almost 4 years but became involved with a man from another city almost two years ago. We met at our best friends' wedding. We were both in the wedding. When I first met him, there was an immediate connection unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I had gone out to the city where my friend was to get married ahead of my husband to be able to help her out with things. The best man (my now lover) had gone out a little early too, so I guess there were a couple days where I was more free to talk with him since my husband wasn't present. We kissed that weekend and I felt incredibly guilty about it. At one point, we had a conversation and I found myself telling him "maybe in another lifetime" out of nowhere. The connection was so strong between us and I don't just mean a physical attraction. I never thought in a million years would I ever cheat on my husband but this pull (how much I liked the person he seemed to be) was so strong, I knew it couldn't be the last time we talked even though i know it should've been.

I cried after those 4 days were over. He later told me about how sick he was leaving the airport that day as we were both off on our way home to our different cities. I told him I'd email with a link of our pictures from the weekend. I did and that started emails and phone calls which haven't stopped since. I managed to see him a few times within the next 6 months. Then another 6 months went by and we did not see each other but talked frequently. But then finally last August, we saw each other again and have seen each other almost every month since. Before I met him, my husband and I didn't really have any huge problems but I since realize I've been very neglected by him. My husband admits he is a very selfish person and didn't do a whole lot for our marriage. He has a son from a previous relationship.

There were a couple very rough years with him which also put a serious strain on us. A complaint of mine in our marriage has always been that my husband doesn't want to spend much time with me. Even when this affair started, I desperately was trying to replicate the closeness I felt with my lover with my husband...asking him to do more dinners at home with me, spend time alone. He's a very social person and would turn me down saying he wanted his weekends to have us go out with friends. I would cook, clean, do so much for he and his son and I just got to a point where i couldn't take it anymore. I got nothing back. I didn't feel like part of a team.

When I got back from my trip to see my lover last August, I suggested we seek counseling. My husband agreed to go but he still couldn't deliver in my opinion. He wouldn't offer to do things alone with me or try to think of things for us and our life together. After 6 months of this, I decided to move out because I wasnt' seeing any effort on his part and we have been separated for almost 3 months. Our intent was to keep seeing each other and try to make things work. We have seen each other regularly. All in all, it's just getting easier for both of us to be apart. I don't really feel us getting any closer. I have continued to see my lover during this time (still about once a month). I have never been with anyone before who wanted to spend so much time with me. We have sat for hours and done absolutely nothing and neither of us could be anymore content. I have never had this kind of intimacy or closeness with my husband.

My husband and I were very in love at one point but our relationship was built on socializing and being out drinking. It was never just he and I without a big party so I wonder now if I ever really had the real deal. I am seeing how the simple things in life can be enjoyed so much with someone who can sit and genuinely want to be with you and not concerned with what everyone else is doing or where the big party is. My lover's and my relationship is not built on parties or alcohol or what everyone else is doing. It's about US and it's so refreshing and fills me up.

I know I have been doing the wrong thing carrying on two relationships for so long and it's taking a huge toll on me. I am wasting valuable time. Time for all involved...not just myself. I don't want to be this dishonest person anymore but feel very stuck. I don't know how I could pass up someone who genuinely adores me and loves every second he's with me. I truly feel like this is the real deal. The way this man looks at me and I look at him. I never felt like that even in the beginning with my husband. I never felt like my husband loved being with me. I felt like he loved having me along but everyone else was most important. But I do know that my husband is a good man and am not stupid enough to think there won't be problems in a new relationship with my lover. It's just that scare to take the leap or not. Will I regret it? I am tormented by this decision lately because I know a decision needs to be made quickly.

It's so stressful to keep these secrets. I don't like myself for it and feel times of depression because of it. It's not fair to anyone. My husband doesn't deserve this at all. I'm trying to follow my heart but am just not getting a clear read on anything. Any advice would be welcome at this point. It's a terrible place to be. Do I go with what I really feel is true love, someone who I feel is a better match for me personality-wise even though this is a huge risk? Or do I stay with my husband who I was once very in love with but never was given that same love and attention back. Do I settle for that and make it work?

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@maporsche,

Yes, sorry everyone. I'm new to this site and didn't realize you could separate paragraphs when I saw the first box I had to type in. In general, I will try to keep shorter in the future. I tend to be a bit wordy sometimes! Smile

3 Replies

@jan07,

It wasn't the length, it was the large block of text without any breaks in it. Basically, it was a brain dump. Nothing wrong with that, but it makes it very difficult to read when there are no paragraph breaks in it. Organize your writing about it and it will help you organize your thoughts so you can make the needed decisions.

Sit down and do the T-bar exercise. For each of the options before you, draw a T on a piece of paper and list the pros and cons of each. This will help you get your thoughts organized and will probably make the right choice for you very apparent.

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@jan07,

I'm following this thread with nothing much to say yet, nodding along to others -

but as a wordy a2ker, I'll say Welcome. I'm also much happier with paragraphs and see Butrflynet's point about organizing them helping you organize your push-pull type thoughts.

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You seem to give yourself only two choices: the husband or the lover.

May I suggest a third? how about just being by yourself for a while, without ANY man in the picture to figure out what you really want?

Try being by yourself so you can learn to live without being so male-dependant.

1 Reply

@sullyfish6,

Quote:

You seem to give yourself only two choices: the husband or the lover.

May I suggest a third? how about just being by yourself for a while, without ANY man in the picture to figure out what you really want?

Try being by yourself so you can learn to live without being so male-dependant

A much better idea is to attempt to keep both the husband and the lover, but doing it in an honest way. Tell hubby that you want to stay with him and keep your lover for now, if he says that he will not stick around then so be it. If he will then set up ground rules for how you will conduct the affair. At that point go the the BF and give him a take it or leave it offer of on what conditions you can see him.

Being by yourself is great if you are training to be a spinster, if you want to stay compatible to men you must stay in the game. Most people who are by themselves for very long (several years) lose the ability to be in close relationship, and most of the time getting this back proves to be impossible.

Order of preference:
choose one
try to keep both
ditch both

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@jan07,

Just do what you know will keep you happy

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Quote:

I know I have been doing the wrong thing carrying on two relationships for so long and it's taking a huge toll on me.

Hmmm...it’s not ‘wrong’ to carry on two relationships " the ‘wrong’ part is carrying on two relationships where one of the involved parties doesn’t know the extra relationship exists " that party has been denied the right to an informed choice. Reverse the situation and ask yourself how you would feel about such an arrangement?

Quote:

It's just that scare to take the leap or not. Will I regret it? I am tormented by this decision lately because I know a decision needs to be made quickly.

You want the security of of the known relationship, and fear the unknown of the new relationship...and so you hang on to ties to your husband for this purpose (and withold information from your husband so he can't make his own choice...for exactly the same purpose). Yet, ask yourself, if you knew the relationship with your lover would work out, and you’d be happy till the day you die " would you go to be with him?

Quote:

I don't like myself for it and feel times of depression because of it.

This is purely because of the dishonesty involved, not merely towards your husband, but in fact, mostly the dishonesty towards yourself. Once you start being honest about who you are, about conflicting desires, about your fears, about your longings, your needs, your wants... about being human (with all the contradictions that entails)...once you accept ‘this is who I am & I am worthy’...then there is no more reason for depression over this.

Quote:

It's not fair to anyone. My husband doesn't deserve this at all. I'm trying to follow my heart but am just not getting a clear read on anything.

Have you ever noticed that people tend to think we are logical? The truth is, if you dig deep enough " almost all our decisions are based on our emotions. So if our emotions want one thing, but we instead follow ‘logic’...can you guess what the outcome is? (in terms of affect on our happiness?)

Quote:

It's a terrible place to be. Do I go with what I really feel is true love, someone who I feel is a better match for me personality-wise even though this is a huge risk? Or do I stay with my husband who I was once very in love with but never was given that same love and attention back. Do I settle for that and make it work?

You can be secure in mediocrity, or risk excellence (along with the risk of falling on your face)...which decision has the only chance of living a fulfilled life?

1 Reply

You asked, I'll give you my opinion. I think you're a slut for sleeping around on your husband who you made a promise to when the two of you got married. If he's lucky, he finds out and dumps you quick. Then you can run play with your other man and hopefully discover that all he wants is a plaything now and then. Of course, my thoughts on this are skewed because I tend to believe that promises of fidelity ought to be kept. Silly me I know.

I love the line where you say you didn't even know you had problems in your marriage until after meeting this guy. Yeah, right. I'm willing to bet that one day, after grabbing hold of this new guy, you will find someone else and suddenly realize that you have problems with the guy you dumped you husband for. See, it's a lot easier to run away than it is to stick around and try to work things out.

Ok, now that I've ranted about marriage fidelity and what not, I will apologize for the slut remark. I still think that way, but I could have held that opinion to myself. Anyway, do what you want to do. Hopefully the new guy will do to you what you're doing to your current husband.

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@vikorr,

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Vikorr. I appreciate so many of the comments on this post but this one somehow spoke to me a little louder today. I have re-read it 3 times now already and will continue to ask myself these questions. Wonderful things for me to think about. I really appreciate it.

1 Reply

@jan07,

Hello Jan,

You're welcome. By the way, part of saying 'this is who I am, and I am worthy'...and a really difficult part...is taking responsibility for your own actions, and the consequences of them (after all, how can you truly believe you are worthy, yet avoid responsibility for your behaviours?)

If it helps, remember that there are things that are right for you, that are wrong for the other person in your relationship (whether it be marriage, friendship, intimate or just a plain associate).

Also remember that in the end, you are the person with ultimate responsibility for your own happiness (in a relationship a great deal is contributed by the other party, but ultimate responsibility lies with only you...ie. if the other party doesn't properly care for yoru happiness, the only person left to do so is you)

___________________________________________________

Hi CoastalRat,

Quote:

I think you're a slut for sleeping around on your husband who you made a promise to when the two of you got married.

You know, the word ‘slut’ is fascinating " no one can seem to agree on a meaning. It seems its usual meaning is ‘anyone who sleeps with more people than me’. People tend only to use it to make themselves look bigger and ‘better’ than the person they are insulting... while in reality proving how small they are (for the particular matter), lacking in love, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.

As for the oaths made, I'm sure the husband made oaths to her that he's also broken many times over...just as I'm sure Jan has broken hers many times over (hint btw : I'm not referring the the fidelity part of the oath, which, if you'll recall, is only one part of marriage oaths).

Quote:

Ok, now that I've ranted about marriage fidelity and what not, I will apologize for the slut remark. I still think that way, but I could have held that opinion to myself. Anyway, do what you want to do. Hopefully the new guy will do to you what you're doing to your current husband.

The amount of anger and vindictiveness such comments show never ceases to amaze me.

2 Replies

Stuck in a love triangle

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