how do i tell my boysfriend of 6yrs. that its over. he is too violent and jealous.

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i have been with my boyfriend for 6 yrs. now, we have two children together. the only reason i havent married him is because he is too abusive, physically and verbally, and very very jealous. i met him when i was 17yrs. old, then we moved in together when i turned 18. I cheated on him once when we were not living together yet, when he found out we were already living together, he hit me (closed fist) but he was sure to only hit me in places that my clothes would cover up. he said he was sorry and he cried, but he also said that i brought out that part of him. from then on he always thinks im cheating, with co-workers, his cousin, his own brother, the neighbors, his friends, every one. he threatens to hurt me because he says that is the only way he will get the truth out of me, he also tells me that he does all of this because he loves me so much. now im 23 and so is he, its not a daily beating now, but still, he gets very violent very fast. im scared all the time, i have to watch what i say or what i do 24/7, im realising now that im not myself and yes i love him but because he is the father of my children and not as a partner. i want out now!but he has threaten to take my children if i ever left him, even if joint custody was granted he said he would still take them and vanish, (he is a wonderful dad he has never hurt our kids the way he has hurt me). he also threaten to hurt me and himself if i ever left. now i feel stuck because i moved 12hrs. away from my family and i have no one where we live now, im by myself i only have a part time job, and since i got with him when i was so young he is all i know. i want to tell him now but i also don't want to be alone when i do, i know he will get out of control, but i don't want to tell him in front of all his family( they know a little of what happend but they think that the abuse has stopped.) what do i do, or how do i do it! we have an apartment together, two cars paid for, bills, i just don't want to leave him to deal with that on his own. please keep in my children in mind. please help! any advise is good advise at this point.

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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 860 • Replies: 13

@Klaudia,

Ok, I'm guessing you know it was a bad idea to have stayed with this guy as long as you have. Nobody, for any reason, has a right to hit you and you should have walked out the first time he did so. But that is water under the bridge now.

The next time he goes to work, pack your stuff, take the kids and head for your family. Or if going there is not feasible, find a women's shelter and head there. They will give you good advice about how to proceed from there. But get out before he hurts you. This will only escalate.

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The way to do it with the least risk to you and the kids is to just leave. Don't worry about material possessions.

Google "domestic violence help" with your city and state.

http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/AGP.Net/Components/documentViewer/Download.aspxnz?DocumentID=45714

national Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free number, 1-800-799-SAFE

National Crime Victim Helpline
1-800-FYI-CALL (1-800-394-2255)

Help for Crime Victims: http://www.ncvc.org/victimassistance

http://www.awomansfund.org/domesticviolence/index.html

You can even get a new social security number: http://www.ssa.gov/pressoffice/domestic_fact.html

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There are also women's organizations, such as MOMS Club that can probably direct you to help.

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National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE

Quote:

Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Quote:

Leaving a violent relationship takes careful planning. Thursday, April 23, Dr. Phil will feature a woman who called the Hotline and went to shelter with her children to escape family violence in a show called How to Escape a Bad Marriage.

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You say to keep your kids in mind so I'm going to be frank: your kids see and will remember a lot more than you ever could possibly think. What they're seeing changes the way their brains work -- real, physiological changes, measurable changes -- and these changes will affect every relationship in their lives.

I speak from experience.

You owe it to them, and to yourself to get out.

You've been given lots of great advice and information here, I truly hope you take the advice.

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mmm hmmm...kids remember everything. They see how you are being treated, how can they forget? They are also learning this is the way to be in a relationship.

Take your kids and go to your family. Tell them the abuse never stopped and you need to be with them.

As far as getting custody of your children, are you sure the judge will give a man who beats you children to take care of? Who is going to take care of them then?

Go home.

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@CoastalRat,

CoastalRat wrote:

The next time he goes to work, pack your stuff, take the kids and head for your family. Or if going there is not feasible, find a women's shelter and head there. They will give you good advice about how to proceed from there. But get out before he hurts you. This will only escalate.

I agree that she must leave. If she can't muster the courage for herself, she must be courageous for her children. He is not a good father when he beats the mother and makes her live in fear. The situation is UNHEALTHY for the kids. Perpetrators of domestic violence are unfit parents. She must pack her kids in her car and drive to the nearest domestic abuse crisis center. The trained people at the center will assist her to get a protection order and temporary custody of her children.

She should not escape to her family members who live 12 hours away. She cannot abscond from the state of her children's residence with her children without causing extreme legal difficulties for herself. The state she currently lives in has jurisdiction over custody and support matters. That means her abusive husband could accuse her of kidnapping the children and get a court order granting him temporary custody. If she is 12 hours away, she won't win the "race" to the courthouse in her efforts to protect herself and her children.

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@Debra Law,

I agree with Debra, and suggest Klaudia contact a women's shelter for local advice/help, plus referring to the links Drew Dad posted earlier.

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Hello, you are doing the right thing, looking to get out.

Quote:

(he is a wonderful dad he has never hurt our kids the way he has hurt me).

In regards to this, he may have many qualities that are good in a father, but he and you are the most important role models your children will ever have. When beating you his :
-teaching your children how to deal with conlfict (violently)
-teaching your children what is normal in a relationship (violence)
-teaching your children how to deal with emotional upheaval (violently)
-teaching your children to be suspicious of their partners
-teaching your children that others are to blame for your own negative actions
-teaching your children that lying is a normal part of relationships

On the opposite side, he is :

-NOT teaching your children how to form healthy relationships
-NOT teaching your children how to love your partner
-NOT teaching your children how to develop empathy for others
-NOT teaching your children how to compromise/negotiate
-NOT teaching your children how to resolve conflict
-NOT teaching your children how to deal with their emotions
-NOT teaching your children how to extend trust to others

So yes, he may have his good points...but...

As to the other stuff you said, do you realise you said :

Quote:

-he is too abusive, physically and verbally, and very very jealous.

-he hit me (closed fist) but he was sure to only hit me in places that my clothes would cover up.

-he said he was sorry and he cried, but he also said that i brought out that part of him.

-from then on he always thinks im cheating, with co-workers, his cousin, his own brother, the neighbors, his friends, every one.

-he threatens to hurt me

-he also tells me that he does all of this because he loves me so much.

-he gets very violent very fast.

-im scared all the time,

-i have to watch what i say or what i do 24/7, im

-he has threaten to take my children ...he said he would still take them and vanish,

find your way out of there...there's a price to pay and it's difficult, but that's infinitely preferable to the long term price, to both you, and your children.

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Klaudia,do you live in the U.S. or in another country?

I think the legal advice will greatly depend on that. There are mechanisms of support in most countries, but they vary somewhat in the way they work.
(for example, in Slovakia the abused women had very few rights, they had to find their own apartment instead of the abuser....lots of legal implications stem from differences in the legal systems.)

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good advice debra law, I hadn't thought about crossing state lines (then again, in texas you can travel 12 hours and still be in texas.)

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@Debra Law,

Good point that I had not thought of Debra.

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He says he loves you, but what he really loves is his power over you.
Get out as soon as possible.

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how do i tell my boysfriend of 6yrs. that its over. he is too violent and jealous.

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