broken heart...

Okay, whoa whoa whoa let's back up, I'm trying to understand what's happened here.

1. You and Shane are going out.
2. James starts hitting on you for some reason or another.
3. You ask for a hug from James - just kidding around, not for any other reason.
4. James asks you for sex (which may have happened before #3, I'm not sure of the chronology here).
5. You ask James to not tell Shane that you asked James for hug and that James was hitting on you. You write a note to James about this.
6. James gives the note to Shane.
7. Shane's angry with you and refuses to go out with you.
8. You continue to sleep with Shane.
9. Shane asks another gal to Homecoming. This is a gal you don't like.

Did I get it all? Please tell me, I want to give you advice but I want to do it with all of the facts straight.

Okay, now, I'm going to assume I have the facts straight. First off, James, to my mind, seems inherently untrustworthy. Don't know why you trusted him with the deception but that's water under the bridge. I'd say, don't have anything more to do with him. That's the easy part.

Now, Shane, whether he's the love of your life or not, shouldn't have any problem with you if someone is hitting on you. These things happen. Shane's problem should've been with James, not with you, unless it was obvious that you were encouraging James. Were you?

But whether or not you were, the bottom line is that Shane seems to have been trying to control your life when you're away from him. No dice. No one should do that to anyone. If people are in relationships, their loyalty and behavior should be based on their feelings of love and respect and the like, not based on one party telling the other one what to do and not to do, and who to see and not to see. If my husband were to try that with me, he'd find out quickly that I don't cotton to that kind of attempted control. And I'd never try to do that to him.

Shane's bigger problem with you is, unfortunately, the attempted deception. Shane's giving you an opportunity to prove you are going to be truthful with him. But, it takes time to gain trust back. And, in the meantime, Shane holds all of the cards, yes? This is a lousy position for you to be in. No wonder you're upset. Frankly, it disturbs me that you're being asked to prove yourself. He either trusts you or he doesn't. To my mind, he's dangling you along. And you're going along with it, so he's getting a positive result from this behavior. Stop trying to do anything you can for him, and you may find he's less inclined to set up these kinds of tests for you.

He also holds the cards in terms of (a) continuing to keep a hold on you sexually and (b) going out with this gal you don't like. Let's take the second issue first. Is it possible he likes this girl? Or is he only going out with her to see how much it bothers you? Either way, you're in a bad position. Either he's manipulating you to feel jealous or he has moved on with his feelings. Now for the first issue - what will you do if it turns out you become pregnant from having sex with him? How will it be, pregnant from a guy who doesn't care for you or at any rate is putting you through this? You have the right to not sleep with him. It won't bring him back to continue being a doormat and allowing him to walk all over you. And in the meantime, you lose more and more of your self-respect.

Not having sex with Shane doesn't mean you'll never have sex again. Not having a relationship with Shane doesn't mean you'll never have a relationship again. I guess what I'm saying is, I think you're being used and I think you're enabling this by allowing yourself to be used. Stand up for yourself. You can do it. He's not worth you giving up yourself.

And, when this is all over and you are in a new relationship, be straight with your fellow. That way, you won't get yourself into this kind of a situation ever again.

Some small pieces of advice. As a junior, I'm guessing you are about 16 or 17 now and should be looking forward to adulthood. So, I am going to criticize you. That's life. It takes two to tango, and all that, you know.

Don't touch men who try to get their friend's girlfriends into bed. You're a big girl. Hugging a man that is trying to get you to have sex with him is wrong. (how much hugging goes on between friends in a week, anyhow?) A name for people who do this is..well..this is a family show.

James is a scumbag. He is not your friend. Stay away.

Your boyfriend gets to go out with a new girl and screw you on the side? Good deal for Shane! Stop sleeping with him. It's obvious, I know, but really now....

Men know what their friends are like. Any man who believes his friends over you (especially a jerk like James) will never pick you over his friends.

Having the same boyfriend for 4 years at your age (starting in 7th or 8th grade through high school here, I'm guessing) is awful. Go out with someone new. Please. It'll be fabulous and wonderful and fantastic and you'll look back on this and laugh. I promise.



In short - why are you trying to "prove yourself" to a man who is already dating someone else? He's already passed judgement on you. Move on.

Jespah and Sugar have given you some excellent advice.

As a junior in high school you are still discovering who you are--and who you want to be.

You've already decided--very good--that you don't want to be a damned fool.

Why hang out with either of these guys? They want you for sex and they treat you like a public convenience. Do you really want to grow up and be a public convenience? Are you a person with feelings--or a toy?

Girl, act like a woman--an independent, choosy woman.

Good luck.

Ditto. Shane is treating you without any respect. Why on earth do you sleep with a guy who openly dates another girl? Either he does it to piss you off (in which case he is not worth your time as that is just low) or he is doing it because he really doesn't care about you (in which case he is also not worth your time). Move on and focus on yourself, don't date for awhile and cut Shane off, see how he reacts. He may come to his senses and realize that jealousy won't get him far in life.
But in either case I would love to hear how things evolved for you. I hope you are holding your dominion! ;-)

Yeah, I dated the same guy throughout high school and when we broke up I was crushed. But now, I can't believe what a sap I was, he was a jerk and I would have had a better time of high school if I'd dated other people.

thanks for the good advice. to straigten up whatever was misunderstood: here goes... the first and foremost thing i want to say is I NEVER HAD SEX WITH JAMES. i know im in the wrong for hugging him and leading him on to thinking i wanted him. but my mind was going in the opposite direction. i physically & emotionally want shane... & i know that james wasnt as trustworthy as i thought he was. the reason why i want to prove this is because shane isnt the only person i lied to. (i forgot to add that...sry) i lied to my friends as well as lying to shane just incase he asked any of my friends anything they would say what i wanted them to say... ( sry i just bit my tongue and lost my train of thought) when i talked to shane about this whole sex thing, he told me he only wanted to do it with me, which i know is true i asked the girl he supposedly is "dating". but in his words are just talking to each other. i know i can trust him and what he says...if he totally did not care about me he wouldnt still be talking to me like nothing ever happened. i know i put myself in this position and it would have never happened if i had just been honest with him from the beginning. the first time i ever lied to him was about something stupid and i had to lie again to cover that up and so on and so forth. (i guess anyone know where that gets you) i made him so important in my life because my father is never there for me and shane was the only love i was getting from another guy. he told me that he wants to be with me, just not until i prove this. but like i said before he is NOT the number 1 reason of why i have to prove this. i never quit anything. so i have to get my friends back... or i continue the rest of my junior year with no one. i understand that this whole proving thing is going to take time. (but i wish i knew of something that could make it go a lot faster so im not crying and hurting everyday) so, as far as everyone's facts go, they are all correct. but another thing that needs to be understood is the fact that ive lied to him A LOT. i cant exactly give you a number, but its been alot. and i know he's sick of it, because he always told me the truth, even if i caught him trying to lie. i went out with him for so long because its so hard to detach yourself from someone when it feels like they are the only thing you want. right now, that is the only thing i want. even if he does decide to date this girl, its not going to last long... he'll realize that she isnt me (not to sound conceited or anything). he has ALWAYS come back to me. i know 5 years down the road im going to sit there and laugh because im being so dumb right now. but all im asking is if there is ANY way possible that could make this "proving im not a liar" go any faster?

oh to add, shane doesnt want to "hook" up with this girl he's doing it to make me mad... and he's only going to homecoming with this other girl because he KNOWS i wanted to go with him and he's going to homecoming with her because he wants to (i really dont want to say this but there is no other way to phrase it) teach me a lesson...

So, you've lied several times to a guy you say is very important to you. And he's going to Homecoming with someone else to "teach you a lesson". It doesn't matter that you didn't sleep with James. I don't think anyone here thought you had. Either way, it doesn't seem to matter - it's the flirting and the lying that are the real issues here.

Write off Homecoming. It's not going to happen unless you go by yourself (and there's no law against this, you know. You're not going to curl up and die if you go without a date). However, I suggest, rather than going there or making yourself any more miserable than you already are, do something else - now and that night.

Go for a drive if you have a license. If not, walk somewhere or go for a bike ride. Call up a female friend and make time together for just the two of you - and don't talk about guys. Apologize for any lies you may have told her and then let it go. Just be there for her. If she has a problem, listen. If not, go to the movies together or get manicures or whatever you like to do. There are plenty of things that one can do without being on a date. Or hey, try connecting with your father or mother. Study. Volunteer. Cook. Wash the car. Play some video games. Work out. Listen to music. Play with your pet(s) if you have any.

You get the idea.

I think you're obsessing over this. Only time is going to heal this rift and worrying about it will only make the time go more slowly. Also, rather than trying to prove yourself to Shane, I suggest you work on getting back in your friends' good graces first. The only way to be trusted is to be trustworthy. Apologize. A lot. Be humble. You don't have to grovel but you need to get across that you know you did wrong and would like to make amends. Then do so, and be a better friend than you were before.

It's entirely possible you won't get him back. Face up to that and let it go. If it happens again between you, then it happens. But if all you do is agonize over it, day in, day out, you'll be crying all of the time and won't be able to open yourself up to any other fun or relationships.

I'm sure, when I was your age, I was heartbroken over guys but you know something? I don't even remember who they are any more. No names, no faces, nothing. They don't matter to me any more. And time is going to heal this, too, if you let it.

Just forget about all those people and start over. You won't regret it later. Your man's taking you for granted and doesn't deserve you (even though you shouldn't lie - that was your fault don't do it anymore). If you did get back with your boyf, there would probably be fighting and trust issues. And for the other guy - who wants a sleezebag who hits on someone he knows is in a relationship, anyway?

Go date people, find someone knew who you can start an even slate with where you can be honest and have fun.

I stopped lying entirely in my early twenties and I think I was a little late to come to it, though of course I had excuses. At some point it dawned on me that people liked other people for being themselves and not reciting some rules of school or parents or age friends.

So, be true to yourself, but to do that, be honest with yourself. Or, if not be honest with yourself, at least try to get in touch.

i appreciate everything yall have said. it has really helped me to seeing what i should do. ive decided to prove myself to not only him but to everyone, to make him see that i am trustworthy and that i not only talk the talk but walk the walk, so to say. my heart is going to be broken, there is really nothing i can do about that. what happened, happened for a reason & god is trying to teach me a lesson about life. i know at my age this is going to seem like the end of the world, but its not. there is a lot of things going on that i can do which will help me out greatly in my future. its going to be hard to get thru but its just something i have to face up to. i caused the problem so i suffer the consequences of the problem. thats something i HAVE to learn about because when i move out, its going to be a whole different story. people arent going to want to put up with my excuses and lies. yes, i know lying is bad. ive finally learned that the hard way no matter how many people dont think i have. i know he'll come back & the only way im going to let that happen is if a lot of changes are going to be made. not only by me but by him as well. ive always said there are two people in a relationship, not one. but in the mean time im just going to suck it up, live my life, and be thankful i have the things i have. and like they always say, "good things come to those who wait."

jespah, i especially want to thank you for the good advice (not saying everyone else's wasnt good) but you've really made me think about whats most important right now. your words have been a lot kinder then the people around me. they all say the same thing so it goes in one ear and out the other because ive heard it so much. and even though i dont know you, they mean a lot to me. im a very emotional person so things like this tend to make me more "depressed" then most people... i dont know what to do about that...but ive finally realized what i should do about shane... so i thank you personally.

by the way...anyone like kiss or aerosmith?

You're welcome.

Now, by the way, I'm old enough that "Rock & Roll All Night" was my senior class dance's song - and it was a fairly new song at the time. :-D

well they were here in dallas last night, and i went with my grandmother and the show was awesome. even if they were before my time, that is something ill never forget. its also something no tim mcgraw, or kenny chesney concert will ever compare to. even though tim mcgraw is one of the finest men alive :wink: . but i was walking back to the car and bought a t-shirt for my aunt who wanted to go to the concert so bad, but didnt have the money for the ticket. (my ticket was $150) so i bought her a shirt and not 5 minutes later someone walks up behind me and STEALS THE SHIRT!!! how pathetic is it that people are that shady these days?

Can I say that going to a Kiss concert with your grandmother might just be the coolest thing ever? Good on ya! Good luck on your journey, embrace the positive things, and ignore those who seek to make you into a meek thing by exploiting your emotions. As Noddy here is so fond of saying (and it is wise advice) hold your dominion.

as things go on, ill be back and let you guys know whats going on. i hope things work out the way i plan. thanks so much for the good advice.

be of your own master
i can totally understand your condition now. several points below may be of your service:
1. don't only phone him, but call him out and have a face-to-face talk with him, which may promote the intimacy between you.
2. tell him truth, dont try to lie to him once more, for that will only make the situation from bad to worse.
3. express your ideas that you will not do anything unfavorable to him.
believe human beings are all emotional animals and everything will be ok. best wishes for you, really!

Advice
A few points.

1. That hardly seems appropriate of him. Has he given you a ring? Have you walked down the aisle with him? An old saying from (I believe it was) the fortys comes to mind, "Going steady is great if one boyfriend is all you rate." But perhaps you are just being playful, kind of pretending what marriage is like? NO, because sex is not pretend. Also, there is something somewhat neat about a girl being more-or-less totally deferential in sexual matters with a man she loves really well (probably why ankle bracelets are keen), but a decent guy would not, I should think, want such deference from a girl if he wanted to care for her, and you seem to think your boyfriend expressed such a caring love. Also, a girl being deferential to a mere boy seems silly, such deference is something a girl could only properly have toward an adult male, IMO.

2.

No. He is almost certainly lying. Pretty much all males with any virility like to have sex with lots of females. It is their nature. What's the big deal whom he wants to have sex with or how many females he has sex with? If you are interested in whether he loves you or not, determine whether he cares just for you or not (if indeed he can care for anybody). His going out on a prom with another female is in my opinion more suggestive of his not loving you well than if he in fact had sex with another female. Not that he probably doesn't want to have sex with this other girl, that strikes me as being a more plausible reason for his taking her out than his wanting to get you angry. A male wanting to get a female angry?!???Maybe if he is debating her on a talk show or something (anger makes people converse less coherently)--I can't hardly think of any other situation. Your inference is naive for why you know he doesn't want sex with others. I would suggest a strong possibility is that the girl he is dating won't have sex with him or he knows seduction works best if slow. You seem to be assuming that he is some sort of irresistable god. I majorly doubt that. If you really loved him, wouldn't you want him to have sex with other females, since that would presumably be very pleasant for him?

3. You seem taken by the caring attitude your boyfriend has had toward you. I'm not surprised. Indeed, emotion matters, especially as it relates toward girls. I find it is easy to have holy feelings for girls that I wouldn't have for adult females unless I really cared for them, presumably because it is appropriate to have such feelings for female youth (probably part of the reason women try so hard to look young is they know decent men tend to emotionally love a female better if she is young). (A singular thing, though, is that the older I get the more the youth of girls automatically elicits "holy" feelings in me and the less it automatically elicits "togetherness" feelings in me--but the latter phenomenon was never particularly strong.) But it may be that if indeed your boyfriend does not care for you, he still can't be blamed for his caring emotions. If what made you think he cared for you was something from his own spiritual self, yes I'd say he's not to blame, and that he may even be praiseworthy for that. However, if the manifestations of his caring were something that came from him on a rational level, I'd say that suggests a mere ruse on his part, probably just to get or keep you in bed. But it's not just emotion that matters--whether he in fact cares for you also matters, and you deserve after the long time you have been with your bf to have some clear information about that.

4. You seem very repentant as far as your alleged dishonesty is concerned. If you felt like yourself or James was in danger, you did right to "lie". In fact, I'm not a lawyer, but I believe legally a falsehood would not be considered fraud if the falsehood was given under duress or threat of harm. Ethically, it is reasonable and good to speak falsely when you know that will reduce violent behavior on the part of the person unjustly demanding a response (you made a mistake in assuming James would not squawk to your boyfriend, but that is just a mistake rather than a lie or an encouragement of a lie).

5. Perhaps your father is to blame for making you overvalue flattery. Perhaps he was too critical of you (say your affectionate nature) when you were young and he needed excuses for his behavior to your mom? But then I'd say your mother also might have been blameworthy for making you overvalue males not wanting to have sex with other females. For some strange reason women often demand sexual exclusivity of their husbands, and of course their doing so often helps cause divorce.