One evening, Daniel could not sleep as the weather was very warm. He walked to the window, hoping that it would be cooler there. However, he still felt warm as there was no breeze. Soon he saw a man trying to break into a flat opposite his. Daniel knew that his neighbours were not at home as they had told him that they were going on a holiday.
(You have used the word 'as' too many times in the above paragraph. Try to use alternatives such as "because" or semicolons)
He quickly telephoned the police to inform them of what he had seen. A police car arrived soon after. When Daniel saw it from his house, he quickly ran downstairs and, [this comma is incorrect] approached one of the police officers and pointed to the police where he had seen the thief. He also led them to the flat. The thief was still ransacking the house when the police rushed him. He was too shocked to resist. One of the officers handcuffed the thief and ordered him to get into the police car. One of the policemen thanked me [him] and asked me [him] to go to the police station with them as they wanted to record my [his] statement. I [he] agreed without hesitation and went into the car with them.
The next morning, I [he] told my parents about what I [he] had done when [while] they were still [delete 'still] asleep. They were proud of me [him]