0
   

Composition for correction

 
 
Reply Tue 17 Mar, 2009 11:05 am
Hi fellow members

Could you please correct any errors in the following short composition for me? Many thanks for your help.

One evening, Daniel could not sleep as the weather was very warm. He walked to the window, hoping that it would be cooler there. However, he still felt warm as there was no breeze. Soon he saw a man trying to break into a flat opposite his. Daniel knew that his neighbours were not at home as they had told him that they were going on a holiday.

He quickly telephoned the police to inform them of what he had seen. A police car arrived soon after. When Daniel saw it from his house, he quickly ran downstairs and, approached one of the police officers and pointed to the police where he had seen the thief. He also led them to the flat. The thief was still ransacking the house when the police rushed him. He was too shocked to resist. One of the officers handcuffed the thief and ordered him to get into the police car. One of the policemen thanked me and asked me to go to the police station with them as they wanted to record my statement. I agreed without hesitation and went into the car with them.

The next morning, I told my parents about what I had done when they were still asleep. They were proud of me.

  • Topic Stats
  • Top Replies
  • Link to this Topic
Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 648 • Replies: 3
No top replies

 
FreeDuck
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Mar, 2009 11:11 am
It was going great until you switched from the third person to the first person at the end, there. Other than that it looks fine.
0 Replies
 
contrex
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Mar, 2009 01:07 pm
@tanguatlay,
One evening, Daniel could not sleep as the weather was very warm. He walked to the window, hoping that it would be cooler there. However, he still felt warm as there was no breeze. Soon he saw a man trying to break into a flat opposite his. Daniel knew that his neighbours were not at home as they had told him that they were going on a holiday.

(You have used the word 'as' too many times in the above paragraph. Try to use alternatives such as "because" or semicolons)

He quickly telephoned the police to inform them of what he had seen. A police car arrived soon after. When Daniel saw it from his house, he quickly ran downstairs and, [this comma is incorrect] approached one of the police officers and pointed to the police where he had seen the thief. He also led them to the flat. The thief was still ransacking the house when the police rushed him. He was too shocked to resist. One of the officers handcuffed the thief and ordered him to get into the police car. One of the policemen thanked me [him] and asked me [him] to go to the police station with them as they wanted to record my [his] statement. I [he] agreed without hesitation and went into the car with them.

The next morning, I [he] told my parents about what I [he] had done when [while] they were still [delete 'still] asleep. They were proud of me [him]
tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Tue 17 Mar, 2009 01:32 pm
@contrex,
Many thanks, FreeDuck and Contrex for pointing out the errors. The final sentence contains careless major errors in the pronouns. Thanks for the amending the errors and for letting me know that the word 'still' is not necessary.


0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

deal - Question by WBYeats
Drs. = female doctor? - Question by oristarA
Let pupils abandon spelling rules, says academic - Discussion by Robert Gentel
Please, I need help. - Question by imsak
Is this sentence grammatically correct? - Question by Sydney-Strock
"come from" - Question by mcook
 
  1. Forums
  2. » Composition for correction
Copyright © 2024 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.03 seconds on 02/24/2024 at 05:54:36