Accosted by Disturbed Religious Zealot

How does Maria get access to your part of the home? If possible/necessary, lock off your part of the home.

Tell her she is welcome to clean your mother's area of the home when you are absent from the house. If her hours are not convenient to you, speak to your mother about changing those hours. Make it convenient for yourself, so that her transition out of the home will be easier for you. i.e. she can come and clean while you're out at a meeting or in Austin or something similar.

Be clear that your relationship with her is as a member of her employer's family, and that is all. She is not welcome to discuss anything personal, including religion with you. At the same time, you must follow that same rule stringently. Do not engage in conversation with her on any subject other than hours/times of work, and perhaps related to cleaning supplies. She is not welcome to comment on cleanliness etc to you. You must stop any conversation coming from her side.

Do not engage in discussion with her.

Tell her directly that she is not welcome to discuss anything aside from work hours/duties with you. Nothing.

Walk away.

Obviously you haven't had a positive effect with your words. Shut yourself in your office when she comes and put a note on the door, "Do Not Disturb". If she knocks on the door, ignore it. If she opens it and comes in (if you can't lock your door), get up, stand two inches from her and say "OUT!" and gently push her out the door.

I wouldn't engage with her at all, even to say hello. I'd probably just act like she wasn't there, if I had to be around her - ignore, ignore, ignore.

Next time you see here, roll your eyes back in your head and start shaking all over. Mumble or yell words that make no sense. After a couple of minutes of this, open your eyes and look at her. Point at her and yell "unclean, unclean." Then go back into your fake trance. Come out if it and pretend nothing has happened.

Repeat this every time you see her or every time she tries to talk to you.

In no time she will be avoiding you.

Alternatively, get some Watch Tower magazines and start trying to convert her to JW.

dupre wrote :



wondering :
- did your mother ask you to move in with her ?
- do you feel that your mother is not capable to live on her own for some reason ?
- if you think your mother needs you , can you not afford your own place - apartment or house - near your mother ?
- is your mother fully aware of the situation with maria and is she o.k. with it ?
- might it not be useful to take some time out with your mom to thoroughly explain what's going on ?
- is your mother aware of how uncomfortable maria's behaviour makes you ?

if for whatever reason you have to live in your mother's house AND maria will continue to be in the house , i'd think your only choice would be secure locks on your doors and avoiding ALL contact with maria - WALK AWAY QUICKLY whenever you hear her approaching !
while you live in your mother's house , it is still your mother's house , and you cannot forbid her from engaging maria as she pleases , can you - as long as you do not have custody ?

imo you first have to make sure that your mother is fully aware of what is going and what you are planning to do to establish "a safe haven" for you .
if you go ahead and start making things really unpleasant for maria , maria might get to your mother first and get her over to her side ... and it may become very uncomfortable for you if you continue to live in the house .

i'd still think that having your own place and visiting your mother when maria is not in the house might be the best solution , it would save you a lot of stress - or do you enjoy "the banter" with maria ?
maria is unlikely to change ... she may even bring some "friends" along in time "to help you see the light" .

best of luck !
hbg

The temptation here is to rhetorically blow her head off, but that's just axe grinding. I think ehBeth has the most responsible answer: Ignore her and only talk to her about things related to her employment.

If she has the time to stand in your office's doorway and preach, then she isn't doing the job she is being paid to do. There's nothing wrong with reminding her of that.

If she just wants to loiter around your door, close it.
If she wants to talk through the door, put music on.
If any of that makes her think that you just can't handle the big picture truth of Christianity etc etc etc, so be it. Let her think whatever she likes.

An example:
She says: "Hey Dupre, did you read the flyer I stuck under your door?"
You can...

A) give no reply
B) give a mild reply: "No, and please stop."
C) give a medium reply: "Shouldn't you be cleaning?"
D) give a harsh reply: "You are paid to clean, not litter my office or disturb me while I'm working. One of us is doing the job they are being paid for."

While it doesn't bring any understanding to her as to why her behavior is rude, A is probably the best IMO. The others while more direct, are the kinds of things that (fro your description) would only serve to further fuel this kind of intrusion.

Other suggestions would include getting a lock for your office door and a radio.

If she is insistent enough that you hear her out, make HER PAY YOU for your time. Lastly, if it gets to the point where she is obstructing your work and the harassment becomes more and more intrusive or physical, you will be forced to take this to your mother and force the point. If she isn't willing to deal with it then, she is failing you.

I'm not sure what the circumstances are that you are in her home, but even if she's doing you a favor, you deserve a harassment free home and workplace.

T
K
O

How long has this woman been working for your mother?

What would your mothers answer be if you said I would like to hire a different housekeeper, will go ahead and find a good one, and then let Maria go. You'll take care of all of it?

You may be surprised. Your mother may say, "fine"

You also said you offered to take on Maria's work.

In that case, just tell Maria she's no longer needed, get back any keys or anything else that belongs to the household, and escort her to the door without any conversation.

Tell your mom if she wants to, she can pay you the same money she gave Maria. Of course she won't take you up on that.

She doesn't have any kind of contract with Maria, does she? If she doesn't, your reason for letting her go is that you live there now and will be taking care of these matters. She doesn't need to know if that means you are going to do the cleaning, or someone else. It's none of her business.

Another choice, considering she's there once every other week, is to get go out on those days. Spend the time @ the library.

Thanks, farmerman.

Yes, I did want to be kind. Out here everyone "makes nice" at least to your face. And word and gossip travel fast.

All the more reason to go ahead and be blunt. Perhaps if I am, I won't have to take on each resident individually as I come across them.

And they do gang up. I've had it happen once already.

ha!

Yes, ehBeth.

That is where I made my first mistake. The first time I met her. We are out on the country in a resort community which is mostly empty except on the weekends. We don't have or even know any of our neighbors. I hadn't seen another soul in weeks when I met her and I was anxious to get a taste of life here.

That's why I agreed to take her home, so I could get out a bit and see the area and meet a few people. The compound where she lives is nice. Everyone there is of course a believer.

This is certainly different from the apartment complex where I lived in Austin.

Ignoring would be difficult. She starts with something seemingly important, she creates that sense of urgency and then ... yeeeikes!

I do agree with you that "words" have had no effect, and that "action" would be way more effective. Standing up and walking toward her and making her back up till she's outside the door and saying "Out!" very gently with an East Texas smile would accomplish the task.

I just hope I don't call her "Maria" by mistake!

This is just too funny!

Great!

Hi, dupre, good to see you.

I'm very torn re response -
- it would be hard to have to lock (literally or figuratively) myself in where I lived, effectively hiding from the help.
- I remember discussions about your mother before, but not the details. Anyway, I think I see that it would be as hard to change your mother as the helper, and arguably inappropriate as it is your mother's house.
- I agree with a poster or posters before (I should look back to identify) who said how the woman's behavior was inappropriate and not to reward it at all by discussion, argument. How to clue her about that in any way gracefully, without your mother's help at least as backup suppport, I don't know. Think'n. I sort of liked the hand up as back off clue, but it must not be taken as a physical violence warning.
- I agree her behavior is inappropriate, whether from personal berserkness or some cultural melieu.
- I would put a lock on my bedroom door, and office door if you have a separate room for that, attuning mother to the necessity..
- I'd want to be outta there pronto, but as you said, difficulties occur everywhere. Still, my homes, which have varied, have always meant "nest" to me.
Given my personal rooms were lockable, and some kind of clarification of behavior boundary was previously made clear so that you weren't just doing defensive avoidance, I'd be gone exploring during Madame Clean's day of effort.

But this still is unsatisfactory. The bit about the cake crumbs..
I suppose another sharp held up hand and a hard stare.

Brrrr.

I missed a few posts in my skim, and they were helpful ones from dupre, re talking 'back off' in a lilting kindly voice, and re mom and the community.

Now I don't know that the locks are a necessary first step.

Yes, Mother has asked me for years and I finally said yes.

Mom is aware of the situation and is supportive of my cause; however, I am not interested in having HER deal with it directly. It's not her job to stand up for me.
I can do that myself. I am hoping for a graceful way to do that, but I have the fortitude to be stronger, if need be.

I wouldn't dream of moving over this. Why should I pick up my 6'3" brand-new grand piano and large academic library; my business; my recording studio; and my plans for a stunning landscaped entertainment area near the barn filled with native plants, vegetables and herbs, and tent sites for our family reunions. Why should I give up my plans to study here toward my fellowships in musical composition and piano performance from the London College of Music. Twenty-eight days out of thirty every month are sheer heaven...

It's one little bump.

Maria and her behavior isn't going to run me out of my plans for my future.

Diest TKO--best answer yet!

I love the idea of making her pay for my time. This works!

Originally I had told her and her cohorts at the compound that I've read over 200 books on anthropology and the history of religion. I've memorized over 200 passages in the King James Version and read the whole bible, even back to the orignial Hebrew, Greek, and the Vulgate with concordances; studied the various denominations and their beliefs. I've done my homework and have come to my own conclusions. That there simply isn't enough time for me to regurgitate the information I have amassed on the subject in one or two conversations, that if they wanted to discuss this with me, they would have to read all the books I have so that we could have a common frame of reference. This stopped them in their tracks. (Pun intended.)

But Maria armed herself and came back for more.

So, I do work for myself. My time as a business owner and as a student is very valuable. I charge $30 per hour.

The preachers and educators around here do get paid.

If they want me to prepare some curriculum using instructional system design, and they want homework assignments, and they want an impromtu lecture on my beliefs, those are BILLABLE services.

Absolutely.

I have earned the right to be treated with professional courtesy.

I'm not a mentor and don't care to educate anyone. I have many other things on my plate.

Yes, I think you are right. With Maria and I've noticed some other mildly disturbed people in the past, words just don't penetrate. It's actions that work.

And they can be done very gently and have a powerful effect.

Thanks!

Also... just rereading a bit: I think I see that you are a threat to this person's power status. Perhaps thus the Strange Cake Crumb Incident.

I thought so too. Like sibling or professional rivalry.

After meeting her that first day and taking her home, after I was exhausted by her nonstop monologue and trapped with her in the car during the long country drive, she called me on my mother's line and Mom gave her my phone number.

I now keep my phone's ringer off. My clients email me when they need to talk.

Anyway, she called me and wanted to talk about Mother, that "Christian" way of gossiping under the guise of praying and caring for one another.

She said that before I came here, that Mom would let the kitchen go, trash would build up, Mom didn't bathe as frequently, didn't eat well, didn't go out much, or have any energy. That she had been praying for Mom for years, etc.

Then she proceeded to project HER unresolved issues with HER mother onto me. I tried gently, but then had to escalate to near abruptness with her, to clarify that she should not project HER unresolved issues with HER mother onto me. That any issues I may have had with my own mother in the past had been thoroughly researched, considered, and resolved.

And Maria backed down and apologized.

After that I turned my phone off. It's been off ever since. Not just for her, but I do have clients (friends) who could call at odd hours, so I just leave it off. They shoot me an email when they need to talk.

I'm sure she does see me as a threat. Both professionally, academically, and my tender affections for my sometimes odd mother. Maria can't hold a candle to me, and shouldn't even try.

Mom is doing much better, I'd have to say. I expect she will improve even more, given time. I've just been here a few weeks. We are both very happy.