So would you date...

It all sounds emotionally exhausting TKO - good luck with it...

Depends on how much your sister knows about you that you wouldn't want your date to know. Or whether you intend on behaving in a manner that you wouldn't want your sister to know about. Otherwise, why not?



You would tell your sister as you would tell her when dating anybody. Do you normally tell your sister that you're thinking of asking somebody out? Or after you have the date set? Or after you have already gone out?



Somebody who is married or engaged, no. In addition to it being morally wrong, you are only begging for unnecessary complications, problems, and heartache for both yourself and the other party. Otherwise, follow your gut.



You give them as long as you are comfortable with and, if you want a monogamous relationship and the other person signals that she obviously does not by continuing to see the other person, then you know it isn't a match. You don't ever force the issue. If she is 'cheating' on somebody else, you can be sure that it greatly increases the odds that the person won't be faithful to you either. So if you enjoy her company, no harm no foul. If you want more than she obviously wants, then it isn't a match, you kiss her goodbye, and look for somebody who will be your soul mate.

Hmmm... Thanks for the thoughts...

Sister's best friend came over for a dinner night on Sunday. Afterwards, we listened to music in my room and then she kissed me. Told me she had feelings for me. Said she had those feelings for a long time.

She has a boyfriend who lives far away. My sister got back to town today.

I have to admit, I have feelings for her too. I'm trying to be an adult about this situation. She asked that I not tell my sister, to which I told her I would, but that this was not a solution. I am not someone to be put on the DL nor do I desire to be someone's secret. I'm looking for a relationship where it is open and honest.

I'm trying to figure out if this is a good idea and when I need to make it an issue.

T
K
O

Yes, date her, be straight up with your sister about it, but only if she breaks up with her long-distance guy, no good sneaking around.

Cycloptichorn

Hmmm.

Is the sister she is friends with older or younger than you? By how much? (And is she the same age as your sister? If not, what is her age?)

Did she give any reason for why you shouldn't tell your sister?

Oh and how long is "a long time" in terms of having feelings for you? How long has she known your sister?

I'm with Cyclo.

Be straight up with the girl first. Let her know you don't want to start anything while she's involved with someone else.

If she's ready to break it off with him, then tell your sister.

But I'll bet you money your sister already knows her friend is interested in you.

Well, my sisters' best friends are not available, and they live an ocean plus half a continent away from me. But technicalities like these aside -- sure, why not? My sisters' best friends are delightful ladies, just as my sisters themselves.


As soon as I'm interested. Sure, I would be a bit shy about involving the sister at this point. But it's worth it: My sister is guaranteed to have insider information I can use to fine-tune my approach. You know -- choosing the best timing, finding the best angle to hit on her from, and all that. Of course, much of that depends on on my relationship with my sisters, which is close and mutually trusting. So if you don't mind my asking, how would you describe the trust, the comfort level, the overall relation between you and your sister?


In principle, yes. I would add a lot of "if"s and "but"s if there are children involved. But if the only thing you worry about is the relationship between your potential date and her current lover, my answer is a plain "yes". If she's happy where she is now, she'll just say "no" to you. Conversely, if she ends up preferring you over him, that in itself proves that her present relationship didn't deserve to survive. Either way, let it be her choice, not yours. You are not the warden of her other relationship.


That's a very good question. Why don't you discuss it with your sister?

Full disclosure: The author of this post has been single for 18 years. Don't take any relationship advice from him without a spoonful of salt.

Okay, Diest, I hadn't read your second post when I answered to the first. Your second post makes things a lot simpler for me.

• If she has feelings for you and you have feelings for her, go for it!
  
• If you told her you wouldn't tell your sister, don't -- until sister's best friend says it's okay. Trust in a relationship goes both ways. You're interested in having a relationship, so this is the place to start, even if it's inconvenient as a practical matter.
  
• I think you stated your feelings clearly and eloquently: "I am not someone to be put on the DL nor do I desire to be someone's secret. I'm looking for a relationship where it is open and honest." That's exactly what you should tell her. See how she responds, and take it from there.

Good luck!

I was distracted with phone calls and such this morning, so didn't get back on this. But this is a bit different than a simple attraction to your sister's friend and all sorts of red flags popped up with this additional information.

Why would she not want you to tell your sister? If she's your sister's good friend, that seems like a really REALLY strange request. It not only puts you in an unnecessary awkward postiion but could signal something more sinister such as she is being devious in a way that your sister would not approve or might expose. I would not feel good about it and I would not agree to that. If that is a problem for her I wouldn't risk getting involved with this lady for one minute.

I would want to know what the relationship with the far away boyfriend actually was. If it is an assumed monogamous relationship on his part, then again I would not get involved until that was resolved and was no longer a factor.

You want to be grown up. She's not behaving as if she wants to be grown up. If she is dishonest with her friend and boyfriend, you won't be able to count on her being honest with you. Not a good way to start out a relationship and not worth it when there is such potential to create an uncomfortable environment for all parties concerned..

Am I wrong in picking up that you are also sensing a few alarm bells here? It's usually dependable to trust your gut on things like that.

Agree with Thomas, especially second post.

Just read Foxfyre's post. Hmm, see the point, I did think the ''don't tell" thing - either immature or, alternately, just a momentary wish for privacy.

On the far away boyfriend, we don't know if they're a committed couple, and we don't know that her seeing Diest would be cheating. This fogey (fogeyette?) says that just because people see each other and sleep together doesn't automatically mean commitment. Marriage is about forsaking all others (usually). Even engagement is a trial period, conceptually.
I can see wanting that resolved. But then, you don't know you and sister's friend will be able to stand each other after, say, going out to dinner and talking. Seems a little abrupt to insist she dump him when you haven't even dated.

Well, obviously, some more conversation is in order.

Thanks for all the replies. I'll keep you all posted.

T
K
O

My first husband was my brother's best friend.

BIG mistake, on my part.

She has a boyfriend. She doesn't want you to tell your sister. Sounds like trouble left, right and centre.

If she has had feelings for you for a long time, her current boyfriend deserves better.

She wants you to keep this a secret from her best friend. Does your sister know the current boyfriend? Your sister deserves better.

~~~

**** buddy, maybe. Emotional relationship, no.

Yeah, that's about what I was thinking.

Was hoping for more info to either solidify that or belie it, but that's my first impression.

I don't think she wants to keep things a secret, just that she doesn't know how to address things. I'd like to clear that up. I simply told her that, because it was important to me, and I knew that she was uncomfortable bringing the issue up.

If she can't bring herself to tell my sister or leave her boyfriend, I'll have to walk away despite my feelings.

As for age difference, we are 4 years separated. That is less a concern though. I'm more concerned about lifestyle separation. She's still in college and I'm just out of college. Problems could be present even if we were the same age but in different phases of life.

Fox, you are right that I'm getting some alarm bells. I'm pretty conscious about alarm bells, that's why I'm asking questions. I'll keep you all posted.

T
K
O

Four years. Hmm. This isn't terrible in and of itself, but fits with other "hmms" (age and also the different lifestyle part).

That said, my advice is still pretty much the same as everyone else -- talk to her frankly, expect her to handle this maturely, and if she doesn't, walk away.

She came over to my place yesterday before work. We talked.

She told me that she had told my sister. I was pleased that she had done so without me asking her to.

I told her I needed an open and honest relationship. She agreed. In discussing this point, I realized how important this was to me. This need seems obvious, but given my current lifestyle where I am forbidden to talk about my job, I need something in my life that I don't have to keep a secret. She was very understanding.

We talked about the issue of regret. Neither of us regretted what we did, only how it may have effected others. I omitted previously that things had ended up passionate to the hanky panky level in my previous posts. She knew she was going to tell her boyfriend, and we talked for a bit about how she'd tell him.

Our encounter/collision into each other happened so abruptly. We both knew we were being reckless and wild. Fast and fleeting yet somehow strangely romantic. I guess though, I've always be intoxicated on the notion of forbidden love and the dream girl thats alway out of reach... slipping through my fingers. She is such a woman.

We won't be pursuing this now. We talked, and though very intimately, we were well behaved about staying clothed. After getting through all the hard stuff to talk about, we just laid in my bed and listened to music. We held each other and watched the clock both silently acknowledging that every second was another second closer to her having to leave. But in those last moments, it was nice.

Fast.
Fleeting.
Forbidden.

Yet somehow strangely romantic. Maybe some day under less reckless action, we'll both be able to act on those kinds of feelings. But not yesterday, and the forecast isn't looking to change anytime soon.

She made me laugh.

That's going to be the one that stings.
K
O

Thanks for updating us, Diest. I'm always curious how these things turn out. Sounds like it's a good conclusion overall, if bittersweet.