Lopsided friendships

It really comes down to whether you look forward to and enjoy this person's company and can accept that she is not going to reciprocate by being your sounding board. If you can make peace with that, you can continue the relationship because you will be effectively using her for companionship just as she is using you for her own purposes.

If, however, she leaves you feeling frustrated and drained, then what is the point? There are those who are so emotionally needy that they will suck you dry if you let them. As this generally does not benefit the needy person in any way and in fact might exacerbate his/her problems, I can find no reason to justify putting up with it.

Pat used to drive me crazy. He'd call up and go on and on and on about the
soap opera that was his life. He'd ask how are you, listen briefly to your answer,
and then back to our program. So we'd make plans to get together for this or
that, and then he'd cancel out a day or so before. Or just not show and
call to apologize after a week. Then he'd fall off the end of the earth for a couple
of months. "What the hell happened to Pat?" He wouldn't answer the phone,
wouldn't call back.

Just when you'd written him off, he was back. More calls, more of the
psychodramas and the traumas. More plans, more cancellations, and then,
poof, he was gone. The Lovely Bride threw me a 5oth birthday party. It was
at the function room of a local hotel and she had to pay per invited guest.
She invited Pat, he accepted, and didn't show. She was livid, justifiably so.

As Pat's health started to deteriorate, he moved in with the family of a mutual
friend till he wore out that welcome. He'd be in and out of hospitals and
rehabs. He gave you the full tale of woe, but wouldn't take the steps
necessary to improve his health. I felt bad for him, I wanted to help, but he
just wouldn't cooperate. He just wanted to play that song of sorrow.

A few years ago he suffered a massive heart attack and died.

A lot of interesting points made here.

I've had a very self involved friend like that, one an early best friend in my high school and college years. It was a treat for me to have a friend to pal around with, especially in the high school time when I lived fairly far from school, was new to the city, and then worked after school. It took me quite a while to figure out how one sided everything was, and longer to do anything about it. Some natural distancing occurred as we grew into our twenties, but it was still the same when I saw her every once in a while. I eventually told her, with the new perspective, my thoughts on our friendship, and she was quietly defensive, the idea being new to her. That's my fault, in that I had let the dynamic develop over years, or "enabled", as they say.

She called me here about a year ago. I nearly plotzed. The exact last person I wanted to hear from, if I had had a prior thought about such a call. She had no apparent recall of any strained last conversation, but had some sharp words about my not keeping in touch. We talked a while, some of it even about me as by now she was curious. I took her phone number, won't be calling.

I realize that she thought we had a fine friendship back then, important enough to her to look me up in later life. But.. since then I've had some really good friends, whether or not any of them or I became self centered for a period of time. I also look back and see my interest in getting along made me abnormally quiet with this high school friend, or people like her. Or kept me quiet, as I was something of a quiet kid. So, to some extent, she filled a need for me, to have a friend - I did get something out of even the one sided thing.

Great thread Boom. You managed to open a vein with this one.

Thanks, Set. You're right - it is an open vein. People talk about the heartache cause by breaking up with a lover all the time but I think breaking up with a friend is just as hard.

I'm a hermit at heart and I don't really allow many people inside my circle. Re-evaluating the status of a friendship is pretty big work. Reading through these stories has been really helpful in that it has pointed out some really positive things about my friend.

Our lives are so dramatically different that we don't hang out that much and the only phone conversations we have are "Are you going to be around this afternoon - I thought I'd stop by." kind of things. Her life is eventful, she's prone to getting herself into a little trouble becuase she always questions the "why" of things and she won't back down until she gets a satisfactory answer and she relates these stories with hilarious wit.

So, yeah, I guess I do get something out of the friendship.

I'm wondering if drugs play a role in a lot of these lopsided relationships. She isn't a druggy but she is a card-carrying, legitimate user of medical marijuana and she smokes a LOT of dope. It's been so long since I've used anything other than a couple of glasses of wine that I don't recall if I was the own center of the universe or not when I did.

Very interesting replies, everyone. Thank you.

You're right. A real friend is as hard to let go of as a lover. No doubt. But I realize how little I valued this womans' friendship or her presence in my life with the simple fact that I do not miss her. Sometimes I wonder if she's hurting behind what happened between us and in all honesty, I do feel a little twinge about that. Our friendship meant a great deal more to her than me and I've tried to blow that off as well"she has one less ear to dominate, that's all"but I do believe that she sincerely felt close to me (we're talking over 20 years) and our break has more than likely been hard on her. Because of her personality, she's not very likable and doesn't have many friends. But who's fault is that?

Oh for sure -- if it's anyone's fault it's hers.

I've broken up with friends before and I've had friends break up with me. (In my case, I think I trended more towards loner than narcisist though. Loner was probably read as bitch.)

I broke up with my friend N about 15 years ago. She was high drama and high maintence and I really just needed to clear my head. I still think about her often though and hope she is okay.

I have had two friends in life that stand out in this crowd (self centered).

My first encounter was my ex fiancé' in college. It took me a long time to see it, but once I did it was like an avalanche. Suddenly I realized that I had been defending him to all my friends and acquaintances for being a nice guy when he really was just a self centered ass like they all kept trying to tell me. Anything and everything had to be about him.

If he was in a bad mood then everyone had to be and he would go way out of his way to ruin everyone else's day. If he was happy and thought something was just great, but you disagreed, it became an endless diatribe about how you were stupid and just didn't know what you were talking about and he would keep it up until you either walked away or let him brow beat you into submission.

One of the main reasons I finally dumped him was that if he suddenly found himself not the center of attention he would dredge up some horribly embarrassing or extremely private scenario that was supposed to be just between us and make jokes and funny conversations about it to the whole group we would be with. I had people I didn't even know walking up to me and talking to me about details of our sex life! It finally became so draining to deal with his **** that I couldn't explain it away anymore and had to get away.

The second person was a friend I had in my art class. I have yet to meet anyone more self centered than him, but oddly enough with him it's fine. He at least knows this to an extent and tends to warn people at the beginning of the friendship. He did all the things that other people have posted about. He would call at odd times to unload his daily drama on me and he was able to turn any conversation back to him in three words flat.

The difference with him was that I knew it and accepted it. When we did get together we always had fun. He drops off the face of the earth now and again for months and even years at a time and then suddenly he will pop up out of nowhere with fresh and wild stories. I think about him now and then and wonder what he is doing but I don't let it bother me that he doesn't call. He is best taken at small doses.

I do miss some of my loons. I think about them and the fun we had when it was fun. But at some point the scales tipped. And I lost more than I gained and even though I miss them, I won't go back.
Twice burned thingy.

Energy suckers are bad.

Drugs and alcohol had zilch to do with my experiences in situations like this. I didn't even sip anything until I was twenty one, and the friend I described - I knew her for years - I never saw drunk. We were sort of pre drug no clue types, then. I assume all this stuff could be exacerbated with alcohol and drugs, but that's not the cruxt of it.

Hi Miklos

Yes perhaps, though admittedly not every single conversation was 3 hours long! (Thank heavens!)
I do think I have one of those "teacher/fixer" personalities you described. And I used much the same tactics to extricate myself as you did.
The thing was, this friend had removed herself from (pretty intensive) therapy because she felt she "wanted to get on with her life"... but it became increasingly obvious (to me) when the same sorts of "issues" were constantly upsetting her & which she was constantly talking about - that she was using me as a sounding board/counsellor, when a proper counsellor was really what she needed. And I don't think that's all that uncommon - using a friend in this way. Thing is, it's an unfair imposition to expect a friend to "carry" you to that extent, but that's the sort of commitment some people actually expect from close friends.