Because Nothing Says Manly Like A Little Pine-Cone Sodomy

Because Nothing Says Manly Like A Little Pine-Cone Sodomy
Mark Morford 9/24/03

A grand jury is investigating allegations that members of the Mepham High School football team in Bellmore, N.Y. sexually assaulted teammates during a hazing ritual at a preseason training camp, including sodomizing younger players with a broomstick, pine cones and golf balls during a five-day trip to the Camp Wayne for Girls in Preston Park, Pa. "I'm not sure what the big deal is," said one senior.

"Pine-cone sodomy is a long-standing Mepham football tradition, going all the way back to the days when new players weren't even allowed on the gridiron until they each had at three croquet balls, eight pieces of farm equipment, and two small woodland animals shoved up their asses in a happy cheering sing-along ritual designed to mask all football players' awkward sexual depravation and deep-seeded homoerotic tendencies which are later covered up by heavy narcotics and alcoholism and forced smiles and sad trophy wives," he sighed. "P.S.; Golf balls are for wussies."

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