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correction of short story

 
 
Reply Mon 22 Dec, 2008 07:28 am
Hi fellow members

Could any member/s go through this short story and point out any errors and how I can improve the story.

Many thanks in advance.

One day, the wind said to the clouds, “I’m stronger than you. I can puff the trees and the houses down.”

The clouds retorted, “We’re stronger than you. Without us, the earth will be dry.”

“OK,” said the wind. “Let’s see who will destroy more parts of the earth.”

“I accept the challenge,” said the clouds.

The wind huffed and puffed and destroyed many parts of the earth. In the meantime, the clouds were nowhere in sight. The earth slowly dried up.

The battle between the clouds and the wind came to an end. There was no winner because the whole earth was ruined. The loser was the earth.

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Butrflynet
 
  2  
Reply Tue 23 Dec, 2008 08:56 pm
Much better! This one shows a lot of improvement over the one about the picnic.


One day, the wind said to the clouds, “I’m stronger than you. I can puff the trees and the houses down.”

The clouds retorted, “We’re stronger than you. Without us, the earth will be dry.”

“OK,” said the wind. “Let’s see who will destroy more parts of the earth.” (Replace the period after the word wind with a comma.)

“I accept the challenge,” said the clouds.

The wind huffed and puffed and destroyed many parts of the earth. (See note 1 ) In the meantime, the clouds were nowhere in sight. (combine sentences with a conjuction word) The earth slowly dried up.

The battle between the clouds and the wind came to an end. (See note 2) There was no winner because the whole earth was ruined. The loser was the earth.


Note 1 (The wind huffed, puffed, and destroyed many parts of the earth.)
Simplify - If you are listing three or more items in a row, consider replacing all but the last of the conjunctions with a comma. Place a comma before the remaining conjunction, removing repetitive subjects or verbs if necessary.
• Instead of: Graphs or tables or lists could all be ways to illustrate your point.
• Consider: Graphs, tables, or lists could all be ways to illustrate your point.
• Instead of: We hoed and we sowed and then we reaped.
• Consider: We hoed, we sowed, and then we reaped.

Note 2 (The battle between the clouds and wind ended.)

Wordiness
You may be using more words than you need to express your idea. Consider replacing the marked word or words with a more concise alternative.
• Instead of: She explained the rules over and over again.
• Consider: She explained the rules repeatedly.
• Instead of: We will call at such time as we make a decision.
• Consider: We will call when we make a decision.

tanguatlay
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Dec, 2008 11:18 am
@Butrflynet,
Many thanks, Butrflynet, for taking the time to go over the short story. I'm sorry that I did not see your comments earlier as I have just recovered from my illness. I had to rest in bed to recover.
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proofreadmyfile
 
  0  
Reply Fri 24 Apr, 2015 11:01 pm
@tanguatlay,
Hi Tanguatlay,
Nice and sweet story, well done
roger
 
  1  
Reply Fri 24 Apr, 2015 11:14 pm
@proofreadmyfile,
And six years old.
0 Replies
 
 

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