A Day at the Seaside

It sound deathly dull.

Hi fellow members

Could another native speaker member please go through the composition and edit it for me? Please also help me make it more interesting as NickFun has commented that it is deathly dull.

Many thanks in advance.

It is horribly dull, but maybe i'll take a shot at it later. There are some problems which are almost impossible to solve, however. For example, you speak of Jacky and Dawn, and then later you write: " . . . the two boys . . . " In common usage in English speaking countries, Dawn is a girl's name--boys are never named Dawn.

I'll see what i can do for you later, but it won't be soon.

The main problem with it is it is written in the linear style of a procedures manual and details every obvious step along the way.

Poor example:

Mr. Lee approached the door to his house before putting his hand around the doornob located on the front door. He gave his wrist a twist to turn the knob and pushed inward to open the door before crossing the threshhold to enter the house. Once inside, he walked six paces to the right, heading to the kitchen where Mrs. Lee is sitting at a square-shaped table. Mrs. Lee looked happy so he praised her for her adequate happiness and then began reading the newspaper that she purchased for him that morning.

More concise example:

Mr. Lee entered through the front door and headed to the kitchen where Mrs. Lee was sitting. Returning her smile, he sat across from her to read the paper.




Also, you need to include periods after the Mr. and Mrs. abbreviations.

Hi Setanta

You say that you will take a shot at improving the story, but I hope you will oblige me. Many thanks in advance for your guidance.

Hi Burtflynet
Your version is good, but it has no trace of the original. By the way, the composition was meant for a Grade 4 student (in his fourth year of study in a primary school).

However, I do appreciate very much your input.

It was not intended as a version of your writing. It was an example of what I was explaining about linear writing. I just happened to use the same character names.

A Grade 4 student would be just as bored with the writing style as a graduate.

I have no desire to rewrite the whole thing for you. You are quite capable of doing so once you are aware of what elements make it such a bore to read.

Read it outloud to yourself. If you have the ability to do so, record yourself reading it and then play it back. You'll immediately understand what makes it so boring to read.

I am loathe to re-write this joker's paragraphs for him. I strongly suspect that he is given a writing assignment in an English class, writes up this stuff, and then brings it here to get it polished before he submits it.That would give the instructor a completely false view of his English language skills. That is no small matter, as he might well be certified for a command of the English language which he does not in fact possess. That is why i said i might come back to re-write, but upon reflection, decided not to.

We long have had (although i've not seen him for a while), an English teacher from Singapore who would come here for advice. His English was quite good, and the errors he actually made were minor ones which leapt out at the native-speaker of English, but which he could not be expected to know. I never minded assisting that individual.

You have heard of the boy named Sue, haven't you, Set?

I'll bet you that boy Dawn got beat up a lot.

Loath, Set. You are loath to fix his writing. You loathe the fact that he may be presenting a false impression to his instructors.

Same as breath (I took a breath) and breathe (It's so good to breathe fresh air)..

Hi Setanta
Sorry for having taken such a long time to respond to your belief as I was very disappointed on reading your accusation. Contrary to what you think, I am a mother trying to help my son who is in lower primary school. Where I live, most of the students have private tutors, some having a tutor for each subject. But I cannot afford private totors, so I need native speakers like you to help me so that I can help my son. Sometimes my son is very sad because he doesn't do well in compositions whereas his classmates, with the help of private tutors, can write very well.

I hope you will believe my explanation. Regarding the English teacher from Singapore, could you try to get him to contact me so that I can ask him for help too. Of course, I would prefer to send the compositions to be corrected by native speakers like you.

It is sad to be born poor. If I had a windfall, I would get a native speaker tutor to help me son one-on-one to keep up with his peers.

I hope you will help me instead of thinking that I am a student trying to get help to impress my English teacher that I have a high standard in English.

With warmest wishes, Setanta.

Okay, mom, here's my editing advice followed by my own version. There are only a few problems with grammar and word choice. The predominant problem with the writing is redundancy. What does that mean?

Here's the Webster's Dictionary definition of Redundant:

Exceeding what is necessary or normal; characterized by or containing excess; using more words than necessary; characterized by similarity or repetition.

Your son's original essay (see my note references for explanations pertaining to what he has written.)

(See note 4) One fine sunny Sunday afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Lee took their sons, Jacky and Dawn, (See note 5) to a picturesque seaside (See Note 3) to have a picnic. As the seaside was far away from their home, Mr. Lee drove them there.

When they arrived at their destination, (see note 3) Jacky and Dawn were too impatient to wait, (see note 3) so they took their swimsuits and rushed into the changing room to change. After that, they hopped into the sea. (See note 3) In the meantime, their parents laid the mat with fried rice, two bottles of Sprite, a chocolate cake, and some sandwiches. Mr. Lee then tuned the radio to class 21 for his wife. Meanwhile, Mrs. Lee went to buy a copy of newspaper for her husband. While Mr. Lee read the newspaper, his wife listened to the radio. (See Note 3)

After about twenty minutes, the two boys were hungry and went back to the beach to have some food. They ate the delicious fried rice before eating the sweet chocolate cake and sandwiches which (See note #1) were prepared (See note #2) by Mrs. Lee. Jack liked the taste of the cake and sandwiches and asked his mother, “How delicious! How did you do it?” Mrs. Lee answered, “I used some baking powder and some fragrant ingredients. Mr. Lee also joined in praising Mrs. Lee for giving them such palatable food. (See note 3)

After their meal, it was half past six and Mr. Lee suggested going home. They packed up and were soon on their way home. Mrs. Lee promised to take them to the beach again. The children were happy on hearing that. They are now looking forward to the next trip. (See note 3)


Notes:

1. "That" or "Which"
If these words are not essential to the meaning of your sentence, use "which" and separate the words with a comma.
• Instead of: I have a great book which you can borrow for your vacation.
• Consider: I have a great book, which you can borrow for your vacation.
• Or consider: I have a great book that you can borrow for your vacation.
• Instead of: We want to buy the photo which Harry took.
• Consider: We want to buy the photo, which Harry took.
• Or consider: We want to buy the photo that Harry took.

2. Passive Voice
For a livelier and more persuasive sentence, consider rewriting your sentence using an active verb (the subject performs the action, as in "The ball hit Catherine") rather than a passive verb (the subject receives the action, as in "Catherine was hit by the ball"). If you rewrite with an active verb, consider what the appropriate subject is - "they," "we," or a more specific noun or pronoun.
• Instead of: Juanita was delighted by Michelle.
• Consider: Michelle delighted Juanita.
• Instead of: Eric was given more work.
• Consider: The boss gave Eric more work.


3. Thesaurus, Redundancy, and Phrasing

Word replacement suggestions:

Replace seaside with either seashore, or beach or coast. They are similar in meaning and more commonly used.

"When they arrived at their destination" is redundant. Replace with "When they arrived,"

"Were too impatient to wait" is redundant. Replace with "Were too impatient,"

"so they took their swimsuits and rushed into the changing room to change. After that, they hopped into the sea." This is full of redundancy. Replace with "so they rushed to the changing room with their swimsuits before dashing to the sea."

"In the meantime, their parents laid the mat with fried rice, two bottles of Sprite, a chocolate cake, and some sandwiches. Mr. Lee then tuned the radio to class 21 for his wife. Meanwhile, Mrs. Lee went to buy a copy of newspaper for her husband. While Mr. Lee read the newspaper, his wife listened to the radio."

Too wordy and detailed. It can be simplified with the reference to the details in the next paragraph.

Rewritten:

Their parents unpacked the picnic food and laid it on the mat. Mr. Lee tuned the radio to his wife's favorite class 21 when she returned from buying a newspaper for him. Together, they enjoyed their pastimes.

" After about twenty minutes, the two boys were hungry and went back to the beach to have some food. They ate the delicious fried rice before eating the sweet chocolate cake and sandwiches which were prepared by Mrs. Lee. Jack liked the taste of the cake and sandwiches and asked his mother, “How delicious! How did you do it?” Mrs. Lee answered, “I used some baking powder and some fragrant ingredients. Mr. Lee also joined in praising Mrs. Lee for giving them such palatable food."

Awkward and redundant. It is not necessary to always refer to them as Mr. or Mrs. Lee. It is more common in informal writing to use the word "parent" or "mother" or "father"

Rewritten:

Twenty minutes later, the boys were back to fill themselves with the fried rice, sandwiches and chocolate cake prepared by Mrs Lee. The chocolate cake was a favorite of Jack's. “How delicious! How did you make it” asked Jack. “I used some baking powder and some fragrant ingredients," replied his mother. Mr. Lee joined in with a chorus of praise for the food.

" After their meal, it was half past six and Mr. Lee suggested going home. They packed up and were soon on their way home. Mrs. Lee promised to take them to the beach again. The children were happy on hearing that. They are now looking forward to the next trip. "

Too linear and choppy. Make use of compound sentences by adding conjunctions such as the word "and".

Rewritten:

Checking the time, Mr. Lee suggested they pack up and head for home. Hearing their mother's promise of a return trip to the beach made the boys happy and looking forward to the next trip.

4. Always use a period after the Mr. and Mrs. Abbreviations.

5. Your son is using the feminine spelling of the names Jacky and Dawn for the two boys. Change it to Jack and Don.



Here is my version of your son's essay. The differences are mostly of style and common usage.





By the way, mom, you sell yourself short when you disparage your own writing skills in English. You express yourself very well and should have more confidence in your ability to teach your skill to your son.

I hope that my effort here helps.

Let me see if I can better explain what I mean about the linear writing. It is a problem all young people have with their first formal schooling of our language. They write in short, choppy sentences that include a single thought.

For example: See Spot. See Spot run. Jane chases Spot. Spot runs from Jane.

As they progress in their schooling, they learn to form compound sentences with the use of conjunctions.

I just found a website that has a good explanation for you. It addresses the construction and use of simple, compound and complex sentences. It even has a short quiz so you can test your son with it. Let me know if you are not able to view it in your country and I will copy the content here for you. Here's the website address:

http://www.eslbee.com/sentences.htm


And here is the homepage for that site. I see many subjects that will be helpful in your effort to help your son with his English writing skills.

http://www.eslbee.com/index.htm

If you have more questions about how to help your son's learning, I'd be glad to help. Thanks for giving us the explanation about your family's effort to learn our language.

Hi Butrflynet

Thanks for your guidance. My son is feeling better when I told him that I will help him by posting his compositions for editing by native speakers. I showed him your version and he was glad and wish he could write like that.

Thank you also for saying that I can write well. However, writing a letter or email is different from writing a story or composition. Both require different styles of writing. I hope you agree.

Thank you very much once again for your understanding and editing of the composition. I hope my son will attain a higher mark for his composition under your guidance.

I hope Setanta has read or will read my last email and understand that a literally poor mother is struggling to help her son narrow the advantage his rich classmates have as they have private tutors helping them.

With warmest wishes.

Ms Tan