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Abusive Relationships - How can we tell when we're in them???

 
 
Reply Thu 20 Nov, 2008 01:27 pm
Hello ~ I am in a relationship that sometimes feels abusive but I don't have the signs that I read about often. My live-in boyfriend becomes enraged when I challenge him. He has never hit me or hurt me physically but he has come in my personal space and screamed at me with rage. He scares me. He does not only rage on me. It is anyone who he believes is challenging or disrespecting him. Most of the time when he gets this way, the people who he rages on aren't even trying to offend him. He just believes that they are. Also, he does not verbally abuse me by putting me down or calling me names. What should I do? I'm scared of getting out because everytime I come close, I am depressed to not be with him. I'm in love with him. This is so hard. PLEASE HELP!!
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Type: Discussion • Score: 9 • Views: 1,884 • Replies: 7

 
boomerang
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Nov, 2008 01:29 pm
@Confused27,
Quote:
He scares me.


That isn't love.

eoe
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Nov, 2008 01:42 pm
@boomerang,
boomerang wrote:

Quote:
He scares me.


That isn't love.




I was about to quote the very same line, boomer.
Confused27, if he scares you, that all you need to go on. Who the hell needs to be scared of their man?
0 Replies
 
Green Witch
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Nov, 2008 01:45 pm
@Confused27,
Quote:
What should I do? I'm scared of getting out because everytime I come close, I am depressed to not be with him.


Classic bad relationship symptom: Fear of the person, wanting to leave and then being depressed when they actually try to go. I heard it over and over again when I did volunteer work with abused women."But I love him and I can't stand to be without him" - they would tell me with blackened eyes and bruised lips. It's like they were hypnotized. As Boomer pointed out, if you are scared you are not in love. Your feelings are more tied to your lack of self-esteem and fear of being alone. Get out now before your fears become a physcial reality. Be strong. Let us know when you are free of this guy.
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MagicBlackCat
 
  0  
Reply Thu 20 Nov, 2008 01:50 pm
Verbal abuse can manifest itself in many ways. It sounds like he has anger issues that he needs to workd out. I would recommend the two of you seeing a counselor to help with communication. if he scares you, he needs to know that 1) you will call him out on it and 2) that you will not/do not have to put up with it.





0 Replies
 
DrewDad
 
  3  
Reply Thu 20 Nov, 2008 02:00 pm
@Confused27,
Here's Drewdad's theory of how to tell if you're in an abusive relationship:

"If you have to ask...."
0 Replies
 
Thomas
 
  1  
Reply Thu 20 Nov, 2008 03:02 pm
@Confused27,
I presume that a day or so after a screaming, you had a conversation along the following lines: "Honey, I really didn't like how you got into my personal space and screamed at me yesterday. It's okay to argue, dispute, and even scream, but the way you did it scared me. So stop it, please."

How did he react when you said that.
0 Replies
 
JustBrooke
 
  2  
Reply Thu 20 Nov, 2008 09:27 pm
Abuse does not need to be conceptualized in the physical form. You say that he does not abuse you either physically, OR verbally.

But what about emotionally? When he goes into his fit of rage, does he calm down when he realizes that he has frightened you? And make no mistake, he KNOWS that you are scared of him when he does this. If nothing else, your body language and your eyes are gonna tell him that much.

My guess is, that does not quiet him. And if that is so …… ask yourself, why not? If he can’t control his rage, knowing that he is scaring you … what happens if his rage sends him over the top? You undoubtedly haven’t seen over the top, yet. I hope you never do. Rage can become a murderous rage. It has happened to people. Believe it, because it is true. Do you want to become one of those statistics, or do you want to live your life without fear, in a relationship without rage?

Most relationships like yours are doomed, anyhow. Sooner or later. Get yourself out of this before something bad happens. And even if he never lays a hand on you, he is doing enough damage to you emotionally, that he might as well have his hands around your neck. Love yourself enough not to allow that.

PS- If you leave and he gets help for his problem, then maybe things can work out. If you leave and he denies he needs help and refuses such, his kind of so called love is better off left behind you and not in front of you.
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