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The Best Insults In The World

 
 
Reply Sun 16 Nov, 2008 06:20 pm
I really like a good insult, and so do a lot of other people. So please give me your best and funniest insults, and we can all add to our insult dictionaries!!!
 
Reyn
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Nov, 2008 01:35 pm
@The Nexus,
I know the feeling. The worst insult is to be ignored.
0 Replies
 
Francis
 
  2  
Reply Mon 17 Nov, 2008 01:45 pm
Quote:
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. I wager you couldn't empty a boot of excrement were the instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus.

And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have to us who think and reason? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh.

You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed , drooling meatslapper. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.

This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half-baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective.

True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

You're an idiot. A moron of the highest order. You're so stupid it's a wonder and a pity you can remember to breath. Intelligent ideas bounce off your head as if it were coated with teflon. Creative thoughts take alternate transportation in order to avoid even being in the same state as you. If you had an original thought it would die of loneliness before the hour was out. On an intelligence scale of 1 to 10 (10 corresponding to the highest attainable IQ) you're rating is so far into negative numbers that one would need to travel into another quantum reality in order to even catch a distant glimpse of it.

Your personality is that of a rabid Chihuahua intent on destroying its own tail. Your powers of observation are akin to those of the bird that keeps slamming into the picture window trying to get that other bird it keeps seeing. You are walking, talking proof that you don't have to be sentient to survive, and that Barnum was thinking of you when he uttered his immortal phrase regarding the birth of a sucker. You are, at varying times, tedious, boring, and even occasionally earth shatteringly hilarious in your idiocy, routinely childish, moronic, pathetic, wretched, disgusting and pitiful.

You are wholly without any redeeming social grace or value. If God ever decides to give the planet an enema you'd better run like the wind because anywhere you stand is a suitable place for The Insertion. There is no animal so disgusting, so vile that it deserves comparison to you, for even the lowest, dirtiest, most parasitic member of the animal kingdom fills an ecological niche. You fill no niche. To call you a parasite would be injurious and defamatory to the thousands of honest parasitic species. You are worse than vermin, for vermin do not pretend to be what it is not. You are truly human garbage. You are a fraudulent, lying, predatory charlatan. You are of less worth than a burnt-out light bulb. You will forever live in shame.

You have nothing to say, and Godwin's Law does not apply when writing about you. You are the anti-Midas, for all that you touch becomes valueless and unusable. Mothers gather their children close when you appear. You are an aberration, a corruption, and a boil that needs to be lanced. You are a poison in need of being vomited. You are a tooth so rotten it infects the whole body. You are sperm that should have been captured in a condom and flushed down a toilet.

I don't like you. I don't like anybody who has as little respect for others as you do. Go away, you swine. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. You are a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. Meaningful to no one, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts that sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I wretch at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, and the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell? Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. You are a waste of flesh. On a good day you're a halfwit. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, study, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libellous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystrophic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, abrasive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, and socially-retarded.

Shut up and go away lest you achieve the physical retribution your behaviour merits.

Thank you for your kind attention to and expected cooperation in this matter.
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Nov, 2008 02:24 pm
@Francis,
Holy crap!

Laughing
The Nexus
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Nov, 2008 05:51 pm
@Mame,
dude you obviously know your insults!!??!! lol
0 Replies
 
mysteryman
 
  2  
Reply Mon 17 Nov, 2008 06:55 pm
Quote:
Thou wouldst eat thy dead vomit up,
And howl'st to find it.

Taken from: Henry IV, part 2


Quote:
Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!

Taken from: Macbeth


Quote:
Thou art] a disease that must be cut away.

Taken from: Coriolanus


Quote:
[Thou art] like the toad, ugly and venomous.

Taken from: As You Like It


You can get these and hundreds more at...

http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/index.html



0 Replies
 
sulltron
 
  -3  
Reply Sat 29 Nov, 2008 09:13 pm
@Francis,
dude ur a fuckin spastic, if you said any of those insults to a guy in a club he'd beat the piss out of you!
fuckin pillowbiter.
Gladiator56
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Dec, 2008 07:49 am
@Mame,
hahahaha
0 Replies
 
Gargamel
 
  3  
Reply Fri 19 Dec, 2008 10:17 am
@sulltron,
sulltron wrote:

dude ur a fuckin spastic, if you said any of those insults to a guy in a club he'd beat the piss out of you!
fuckin pillowbiter.


Only douchebags get in fights at clubs. Do you douse yourself in Axe body spray and tilt your baseball cap 30 degrees perchance? I'm giving you a giant thumbs down right now--not your post, but I'm literally holding my downturned thumb up to the monitor.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Fri 19 Dec, 2008 05:42 pm
What an intelligent thread.
Pamela Rosa
 
  0  
Reply Mon 1 Jun, 2009 05:00 am
Oh you Ninon in decay, Pompadour in tatters, Venus of the graveyard...

(Honore de Balzac -Old Goriot)
0 Replies
 
dadpad
 
  2  
Reply Mon 1 Jun, 2009 05:11 am
May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down!
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Jun, 2009 06:37 am
pillowbiter?
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Mon 1 Jun, 2009 06:39 am
@chai2,
oh....that's tea bagging that got carried away.

0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Jun, 2009 06:40 am
@chai2,
Although i doubt that this clown is bright enough to know it, pillow biter is an expression which refers to the man on the bottom in an act of anal intercourse.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Jun, 2009 06:45 am
@Setanta,
oh wait, i looked up pillow BITTER on urban dictionary by mistake.

that is when the tea bag turns bitter.
0 Replies
 
ebrown p
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Jun, 2009 09:07 am
@Mame,
Quote:
What an intelligent thread.


Very nice. Subtly sarcastic. Succinct yet biting. Condescending without being overly offensive. And the use of a question form, punctuated with a period to show the use of the rhetorical... quite smart.

I think Mame has the best one yet.
toksci
 
  2  
Reply Thu 29 Oct, 2009 05:31 pm
@ebrown p,
Heres a few half ass ones I've picked up over the years, but they've never failed to offend anyone.

"Your birth certificate is an apology form the condom factory."
"Confront me once you've learned how to wipe your ass."
"I talked to your mother, she regrets not having an abortion."
"Insolent whelp"
0 Replies
 
Advocate
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Nov, 2009 01:34 pm
Churchill, when a member of parliament, was told by a female member that, were he her husband, she would feed him poison. Churchill replied that, were he her husband, he would take it.
0 Replies
 
Pamela Rosa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 28 Nov, 2009 08:56 am
Zaporozhian Cossacks to the Turkish Sultan:

Quote:
Thou art a turkish imp, the damned devil's brother and friend, and a secretary to Lucifer himself.
What the devil kind of knight art thou that cannot slay a hedgehog with your naked arse?
The devil shits, and your army eats. Thou a son of a bitch wilt not ever make subjects of Christian sons; we have no fear of your army, by land and by sea we will battle with thee, **** thy mother.

Thou art the Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-****** of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, Armenian pig, Podolian villain, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, a fool before our God, a grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig's snout, mare's arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow, screw thine own mother!

So the Zaporozhians declare, you lowlife. Thou wilt not even be herding Christian pigs. Now we shall conclude, for we don't know the date and don't have a calendar; the moon's in the sky, the year in the book, the day's the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!

Koshovyi Otaman Ivan Sirko, with the whole Zaporozhian Host


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reply_of_the_Zaporozhian_Cossacks
0 Replies
 
 

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