correction of short story

Forums: English, Original Writing, Grammar
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Hi fellow members

Below is a short story. Could some member/s please help me improve the story by pointing out the mistakes and giving me ideas to improve it.

Many thanks in advance.

The young man who was knocked down by a car this morning was my next-door neighbour. He liked to crack jokes. That is why a lot of the neighbours like him very much. He was very helpful. Most of my neighbours know that he was someone whom we could depend on if we needed any help.

Once I asked him to take care of my dog when I was going overseas for a holiday and he obliged. Needless to say I was very grateful to him when I returned home from my trip to find my dog in good health and active. He must have taken good care of him.

Now that he has left his world, I miss him a lot and am often reminded of him when I walk past his house. Fortunately, his parents, although they miss him, can cope well with the situation.

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@tanguatlay,

The young man who was knocked down and killed by a car this morning... If he was killed, it would be better to say so straight away.

If he has died, the neighbours liked him (in the past tense).

Quote:

Now that he has left his world

He has not left "his" world, he has left either "the" world, or, better, "this" world.

The sentences in the middle paragraph are rather long and are severely unpunctuated.

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@contrex,

Thanks, Contrex.

I agree that I should have said he died, and yes, of course, it should be 'liked' since he died in the accident.

I've punctuated and rephrase the sentences. I wonder whether it is OK now.

Once I asked him to take care of my dog when I was going overseas for a holiday. He agreed without hesitation. When I returned home from my trip to find my dog in good health and active, I was very grateful to him . He must have taken good care of my dog.

Many thanks for your help.

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@tanguatlay,

Very good. The words "home from my trip" are superfluous however.

1 Reply

@contrex,

Thanks, Contrex.

I agree; from my trip is superfluous.

1 Reply

@tanguatlay,

The word "home" is also superfluous, as I mentioned.

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@contrex,

Thanks, Contrex, for infomring me that 'home' is not needed.

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@tanguatlay,

The technique of "elegant variation" is a good one to learn. That is, avoid repeating the same words or phrases in successive sentences. In the version that follows I have avoided writing "my dog" three times by using his (invented) name and "my pet".

Once I asked him to take care of my dog when I was going overseas for a holiday. He agreed without hesitation. When I returned to find Rover in good health and active, I was very grateful to him. He must have taken good care of my pet.

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@contrex,

Hi Contrex
I deeply appreciate your guidance on my writing. With your step-by-step assistance, I believe my English will be much improved matter of time.

Your suggestions are logical and I agree every bit.

Thanks again.

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@tanguatlay,

Hi Contrex

The young man who was knocked down by a car and killed this morning was my next-door neighbour. He liked to crack jokes. That is why a lot of the neighbours liked him very much. He was very helpful. Most of my neighbours know that he was someone whom we could depend on if we needed any help.

In the last sentence, should 'knew' be used instead 'know' to be in line with 'liked' in the third sentence? If not, what is the reason for the difference in the tenses?

Many thanks in advance.

1 Reply

@tanguatlay,

Quote:

should 'knew' be used instead 'know' to be in line with 'liked' in the third sentence?

The answer depends on what you are trying to say. You would use 'know' (present tense) if you mean that most of the neighbours now, in the present, remember the dead man as someone upon whom they could depend etc. You would use 'knew' (past tense) if you wished to state that most of the neighbours then, in the past, while he was alive, knew that he was someone upon whom etc.

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@contrex,

Thanks again, Contrex.

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correction of short story

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