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Never done this before...so be patient...Happily married for 18 years until Sunday. We have 3 grown children (each prev married) and a 12 year old son together. Sunday they went to the store and the 12 year old stayed at Grandmas. The two older children came home with Mom and she announced she was leaving. I work too much, irritable, sharp tounged, and simply not happy was the story she was telling me and the kids. I asked what the real reason was, and her response was she is seeing someone else. WOW!! She has told the older kids a few days before and so they were not as shocked as I was. She moved clothing, etc and went to her grandmothers.
This past week, we have had good conversations, but I feel her mind is made up. She is seeing a "friend from school" and she states she is not coming back. At this point, we have agreed to sell some properties, including our home and both start over. We both are committed to our 12 y.o and he has been with me as much as his mom. My wife is being very nice and so and I. WE really are committed to our son.
What the heck do I do? I want her back and have told her so...but at this point, I just dont know what to do??

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[+3] - rob - 09/20/2008hawkeye10...thanks....just didnt seem to see this one coming...we were very loving at all times...including that very morning....but guess just the stresses of life were more difficult for my wife...

@rob,

You can't make somebody love you who doesn't, Rob. And as tough and painful as it is, you need to let go and get on with your life both for your sake and your son. For his sake it is important to keep things as cordial as possible and share parenting, yes, but you don't have to pretend that it's okay that she is cheating on you. Nobody deserves that.

One last thing you can do is see if she'll see a good counselor with you. If she won't, you go without her. It will do wonders to help you sort things out, regain perspective, and hopefully not walk into another painful relationship.

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@rob,

rob, Sorry to hear about this problem, but this is the reason divorce in our country is so high (I think I heard over 50%). People have forgotten what "commitment" is all about. Your wife may think that her "new life" will be better, but she's going to have other problems not evident now.

You have no choice in the matter; she's already done that for you. Try to not linger and create a new life for yourself rather than stewing over the past.

There is one lesson here for you; think about any future relationships about "irritable, sharp tongued, and not happy with the relationship." We all make mistakes, but you now have a chance to improve on them. Give it a shot, and good luck.

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@Foxfyre,

Thanks, we are very cordial and truly committed at this point not to ruin his life. He is everything to me so I know I can live up to mind responsibilities. I just have to find peace in my heart and understand that she is not coming back. Not sure of the odds of her return, but as a man, am I to become a lesser man allowing her to return?

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@rob,

in almost all cases that go as you describe what has happened is that there has not been a marriage for some time. The man and wife become co-parents and heads of a family rather than a couple. As the kids get older and the parenting demands start to go away it becomes clear that the the two who were once a couple have grown apart. This is pretty common, and if this is what happened to you there is no way to go back and fix it now.

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@hawkeye10,

hawkeye10...thanks....just didnt seem to see this one coming...we were very loving at all times...including that very morning....but guess just the stresses of life were more difficult for my wife than me.

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@rob,

lack of conflict can just as easily be caused by lack of engagement as it can be caused by a union being well functioning. Intimacy is when two people can feel and impact each others inner world, which can happen in marriages that have conflict just as well as in those that don't. Intimacy is the glue in marriage , not surface habits of politeness.

You are not the only one who has been blindsided by a failed marriage as it seems to happen a lot around the 20 year mark, and everyone seems to agree that it is a hard pill to to take. I am sorry for your loss.

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@rob,

rob wrote:

...just didnt seem to see this one coming...

Men seldom see the warning signs or the writing on the wall when their wives
are unhappy in their marriages. By the time a woman leaves, she has most often separated herself emotionally a long time prior to moving out.

All you can do now is wait and hope that she's only infatuated with the other
man. Chances are though, that in a few months time you'll think differently
of her leaving you and any possible reconciliation.

Good luck to you.

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