Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer. The second one asks for half a beer. The third one asks for 1/4 of a beer. As the fourth mathematician is about to order, the bartender interrupts him saying "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.
Renee Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks it and puts his glass down. The bartender says, "Have another?" Descartes says "I think not" and -- poof! -- he disappears.
Two drunks in a bar.
The first drunk asks the second: " I hope you are not offended, but where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "What part of Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it!!" says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
In comes another patron and sits down at the bar. "What's happening?" he asks the bartender.
"The usual," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are getting pissed again."
An American, Russian, and a Slovak walk into a bar.
Waitress looks at them and rolls her eyes: "Not the three of you again!"
His joke refers to a McDonald's advertising slogan which describes the Big Mac as "two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun."
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
The way I head it it was " Two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Leonard Sneed pickin' bunions on a Sesamee Street bus.
Slightly different joke.
A bear walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him "we don't serve bears here." The bear gets irate. "Just give me a damn beer!" "Sorry, we don't serve bears." "If you don't give me a ******* drink I am ganna go eat that woman over there!" The bear points to a woman sitting at a stool some ways down the bar. The bartender ignores the threat and begins to clean glasses. The bear leaps to his feet, tears across the bar, rips the woman open and consumes her entire body, then returns to the bar, now dripping with gore. "NOW; give me a god damn drink." "Sorry," says the bartender, "we don't serve bears on drugs." "What the hell are you talking about?" the bear shouts, now positively livid. The bartender smiles coolly and tells him; "that was a bar-bitch-you-ate."
A baby seal walks into a club
Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Two Irish men walk past a bar
no no no. The man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. Sits at a bar and orders a beer. Bartender asks "what are they having?". The ostrich says "I'll have a beer too", but the cat say "I'll have a beer, BUT I"M NOT PAYING FOR IT!". The bartender brings around the drinks and says "that'll be $15.70". The man reaches in his pockets and pulls out exactly that amount. Bartender's impressed, but doesn't think more of it. A week later, the trio come back to the same bar. Man sits at the bar and orders a shot of tequila. Ostrich says "I'll have the same", the cat says "Me too, but I'M NOT PAYING FOR IT!". The bartender brings around the three shots and says "that'll be $13.40". The man again reaches in his pocket an pulls out the exact amount. Bartender's more impressed, but not enough to pry. A week later, same thing happens. The man sits at the bar, orders a glass of wine. Ostrich says "I feel like a beer", cat says "I'll have whiskey, BUT I'M NOT PAYING FOR IT". Bartender brings around the drinks and asks for $21.37. The man reaches in his pockets and pulls out the exact amount. Bartender's really too impressed. He says "hey, what's the deal? Every time you come here, you have the exact amount of money in your pocket? What gives?" The man says, "oh, that, yes well a few years back I found an old oil lamp and heard a voice. I thought I was just drunk, so I rubbed it and a genie came out, yadi yadi yadi, and said I could grant you any wish. I said, whatever, I want to always have the right amount of money in my pocket. So that's what happend". The bartender thinks about this, and says "huh, but what's with the ostrich and a cat". The man, a little redfaced, says "well I also asked for a chic with long legs and a tight pussy."
So this guy walks into a gay bar and...wait nevermind you all were probably there and saw the whole thing! lol
It both gladdens me and saddens me that I get this joke.
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my dad been in here?"
The bartender says, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm, and the bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
"Give me a scotch, and give me one more for the road."