Lost and Confused

Wooda, cooda, shooda.

If I could turn back time, Id grab some of that "wooda, cooda, shooda."

Make sure the Daddy pays his child support. The courts will back you up and go after him if he doesn't pay up. You might have to do this alone emotionally, but you should not have to do this alone financially. You are both responsible for the situation and he needs to do as much as you can get him to do. He's a father, wether he likes it or not. I also suggest you get together with other young moms for support.

By the way Taylor, there are a lot of mommies on this forum that will be happy to help with advice.

Welcome to able2know, Taylor2.

You're right that there's nothing we can do directly - but we can listen to you - try to give you different perspectives - remind you of things as Greenwitch did ... we can help distract you a bit. Hopefully we won't rile you up too much. That wouldn't be too helpful.

Do you have other emotional supports where you live? I can appreciate that you're scared of going into parenting alone - but are you looking forward to being a mother?

You're a good age to be a mom - not too young - not too old. Are you due around Christmas?

I agree that 26 is a good age.

Do you have a support network (other than dad-the-cad of course)? Parents, siblings, friends, etc.?

I'd recommend signing up or a prenatal class or two (I took three total, I think). You get good information but you also meet other pregnant women -- I've found that moms who are in the same boat (as in, new, first-time moms who have X-month old babies) are very willing to help each other out.

Good luck...

Hi.

How come you feel you are doing this all alone? I can understand being seriously angry with the ex. But has that caused you to pull away from everybody in one go and try to deal with all by yourself?

How do you feel about becoming a mom?

I'm sure the part that has to do with the ex you wouldn't have dreamt for yourself.
But the part about bringing a child into this world and being able to be a mom? Have you given yourself permission to be excited about this?

Look. Things will be ok - it is not your fault that this man has chosen to leave.
If any part of you is blaming yourself and angry at yourself, that is the part that I would pay attention to and clear that up real quick.

In any betrayal, I've found the most damage is done when we start to sabotage ourselves cause someone else did something really crappy.

You really do deserve all the support, love, and excitement about having this baby that is available and out there (and inside you).

wishing you luck..and congrats, if you will have them. ?

Green Witch >>> Thank you for responding. I told him that he had to pay child support. He says he will leave the country before he will do that. He blames me for this pregnancy. I was on the pill and I do admit that it wasn't always easy for me to remember to take it. But when I forgot, I would always remember the next day and take 2 instead of 1. Also, it's not like he didn't know when I messed up because I would tell him and ask him to remind me. To his credit, he did remind me sometimes. Other times we both forgot. I guess he feels that since I wasn't being responsible, it's my problem. Also, I make more money than he does so he doesn't see why I need it.

As for the child support, I don't care what he says, it's not for me . It's for the baby and I will pursue. No room for compromise on that as far as I'm concerned.

ehBeth >>> Thank you for responding. Also, thank you for the vote of support. You can never have too much of that. Distraction is sometimes good!

I do have friends that are supportive. My biggest need for support is my mom and she is all that and more. This will be her 1st grandchild so she has really started getting into it. My dad died when i was in 7th grade. I have 1 brother but he's in Afghanistan right now in the Marine Corp.

I want my baby. I'm not as much afraid of being a mother ( just a smidge afraid!)as I am of being both a mother and a father. I don't know how to do that. My dad brought so much to my life before he died. How do I give my own child what he gave me? He would have made a great male role model in my babies life. And my brothers not around. He's 3 years younger than I am and a great guy himself. Truth is , he probably won't ever be around much. His plans are to make a career out of the military.

My due date is December 22nd.

Taylor,
I'd love to also offer you some support. I was never in the exact position you are in now. My husband left me when our kids were early teens so the parenting was different than single parenting an infant.
You can do this! How do you think your ex will feel after the baby is born, knowing that you were a strong woman to go through this alone without "needing" him? I think his feelings may start to change. How old is he? Does he have family? Does his family want to be a part of this childs life?

And Taylor, how are you feeling physically. Are you feeling good now that the first trimester is over?

sozobe >>>Thank you for responding. Very good idea about the prenatal classes. Support in that environment is really what I need.

musypancakes >>> Thank you also, for responding. By alone, I meant without a father for my baby. Though, Im angry with him, I also know that he's probably not worth one ounce of it. Just how do I explain to my child when he/she grows up and asks about him? My problem is I think too much. I'm setting my sight way into the future where there are no answers. So much can change. But I keep doing it anyhow.

How do I feel about becoming a mom? A little bit scared. Not because I don't think I can handle it. More because I want to be the best I can be at it and I'm afraid of making mistakes. I don't have nieces and nephews like most people do. I'm the oldest of 2. No grandbabies in my family yet. Some of my friends have kids though. Once I get past the being scared part, I can't wait for the baby to be born. I already feel the bonding taking place. And Im learning its a whole new kind of love.

Congrats accepted! And thank you again.

martybarker >>> Thank you for responding and the offer of support. I am sorry your husband left you and the kids. I hope he at least kept in close contact with them?

I really don't think that my X will change his feelings when the baby is born. I could be wrong but he is so hateful right now. Wants nothing to do with any of it. He's 24. Two years younger than me. He does have family. His mom and dad are divorced. Im not sure where his dad is. His dad doesn't much have anything to do with anyone as far as Im told. I never met him. His mom got remarried. Im not even sure if she knows that Im pregnant. I never saw much of her. She lives not so far away. She just doesn't seem to see family much. Strange bunch when I look at the whole situation now.

I feel great. This pregnancy has been easy so far. Even my morning sickness wasn't bad. So at least that's good!

Gosh Taylor,
I don't want to give you bad advice. I look back on things and am glad that my children have their father in their lives. However, our parenting styles are so different now. I've discovered that he is not the role model that I wish my kids had.
He makes way more money than I do, so the support is extrmemly helpful, but my kids are happy and are happy when they come back from his home. That's what matters most to me.

Your childrens happiness is forefront. I agree. I think if my babies father would have a change of heart, that would be great. I would never deny him/her that relationship. I'm just not holding my breath. Even though I am angry with him and there has been too much damage for me to ever want him back, I don't think he's a bad person. I just think he's as confused as I am. Only in a different way.

Your advice seems sound. Not bad at all, Marty. Thanks, again!

Hey Taylor

Welcome to A2K

First up - Congratulations.

Second - you will be a good Mom because you say you wish to be - and if you mean that - then you will do everything in your power to be that person. Hun - you don't need to be perfect. (there is no perfect). You can't be Mom and Dad nor should you try, just my opinion of course, but you will be Mom and learn to teach your son/daughter a way in the world and will also be able to do things that a Dad would do too.

I know it's not the same. But it is the way it is. You also may meet someone in the future who will be a male role model for your child.

Try not to think too far ahead right now, wondering what the future will hold for you and the baby. Focus on you and your health - really try to lose the anger - it will bog you down horribly and is a negative emotion - you need heaps of posivibes right now.

The folk here are great and there's always someone around to lend an ear and listen when you need to be happy, cry or just have a real good shout. Please do go to the ante-natal classes - getting with a group of folk who will be in the same position when you have your little one will be good for you - people who will understand what you are going through and who will get to know you. Can a friend go with you - male or female - perhaps Mom?

You sound as tho you have a good head on your shoulders. Of course you are a smidge scared - heck hun - I was petrified about birth and whether or not I was gonna be able to cope or be a good Mom before I had my first. And again when I had my second. But you will do it, and you'll be great. Believe in you and keep as much positive energy around you as you can.

Keep talking when you feel comfortable here - and you'll find a support system here too (they're a good bunch and loads of Moms and Dads around to give you advice.)

Take care girlie.