polishing contest

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I have a big, big favor to ask of you guys, but it may be fun for you.
My gf asked me to translate two paragraphs that make her thesis' summary.
My English is horrible in that area - scientific, social research and my translation sounds really awful. It probably makes sense perfectly, but the English is just horrible.

If you could take this as pastime, I would be grateful if you could try to offer the best polishing job. I could ask a friend who is American native speaker, but he hates the topic - gender and society issues.

Thanks.

here it is:

Today's society does not like variety. This is proved by the expanding trend of globalization by which the area of gender is also affected. Generally speaking, society tends to negate variety reacting to it inappropriately - by segregation, ridicule, suspicion, etc. Variety is still understood as something of little value.

This work(thesis) deals with the topic of variety in the area of gender, whose problems it compares to problems of a stranger. It analyzes both topics in the way they are viewed in the modern Western society and offers the analogy of gender issue and the issue of a stranger. It describes this analogy in three major areas of social life - on the level of family- society, on the level of specific occupations, and in the area of relationships of couples. It stresses tolerance and willingness to find out what is realistic instead of mere accepting prejudices. The thing is that in all kinds of descrimination not only we cause unpleasant situation for the discriminated group, but even the majority group must necessarily feel unpleasant due to the developed tension. The obscurity of gender roles in modern times and perplexity in realizing their roles causes difficult situations for both sexes and may lead to feeling of lack of freedom.

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Re: polishing contest
I would advise your girlfriend to begin by cutting unnecessary words. For example:

Quote:

the expanding trend of[/u] globalization

Globalization is an expanding process by definition, so calling it an "expanding trend" is redundant. One could simply write "the trend of globalization" or, better yet, just "globalization."

Quote:

by which the area of[/u] gender is also affected

One could simply write, "by which gender is also affected." The area of doesn't add anything to the sentence's meaning. (Incidentally, that whole sentence is in the passive voice. Rather than saying "This is proved by _____," it might be more effective to say "_____ proves this.")

Quote:

This work(thesis) deals with the topic of[/u] variety in the area of[/u] gender

One could simply write, "This work deals with the topic of variety in gender," or even "This work deals with variety in gender."

Quote:

three major areas of social life - on the level of[/u] family- society, on the level of[/u] specific occupations, and in the area of[/u] relationships of couples.

To economize the word usage, one could write, "three major areas of social life: family, occupations, and relationships" (or, to be more consistent in syntax, "families, occupations, and relationships").

Quote:

The thing is that[/u] in all kinds of descrimination not only we cause unpleasant situation for the discriminated group

The thing is is an extremely clunky phrase. (What "thing" is being referred to in that phrase?) Instead of writing "The thing is that in all kinds of...," it's better to get straight to the point by saying, "In all kinds of..."

Quote:

the majority group must necessarily feel[/u]

"Must" and "necessarily" mean the same thing in this context, so there's no need to use both.

This is just a start. There's more to be said; I'll try to add more when I've got a spare moment.

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Thank you Shapeless, you are the best! My colloquial English is much better than that kind of English, scientific English. You seen in Czech we use a lot of unnecessary words. Your instruction is great and next time when I will need write "seriously" I will follow your tips.

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here is my new version according to your tips:

Modern society does not support variety. Globalization proves this and it affects gender, as well. Generally speaking, society tends to negate variety and reacts inappropriately - by segregation, ridicule, suspicion, etc. Variety is still understood as something of little value.

This work deals with the topic of variety in gender, whose problems it compares to problems of a stranger. It analyzes both topics in the perspective of modern Western society and offers the analogy of gender issue and the issue of a stranger. This analogy is outlined in three major areas of social life -family, occupations, and relationships. Our work stresses tolerance and willingness to find what is realistic in contrast to prejudice. Discrimination not only disturbs the discriminated but also the discriminating. The obscurity of gender roles in modern times and difficulties in understanding these roles disturb both sexes and lead to lack of freedom.

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You're welcome, Stach. The abstract does look better. I do hope someone else responds as well, though, since it can't hurt to get a second opinion.

A few more thoughts:

Quote:

Globalization proves this and it affects gender, as well[/u].

Since this is the only reference to gender in the first paragraph, and since the second paragraph is the one that really introduces the argument, I would remove this reference to gender altogether. It sort of comes out of nowhere and its explanation doesn't come until the next paragraph. I think it would be more effective to use the first paragraph as an introduction and restrict its content to globalization, not revealing its relevance to gender until you're ready to talk about gender more substantively.

That said, the first paragraph is pretty brief and could even be joined to the second one. It still serves as a perfectly fine introduction, but joining it to the second paragraph will help make the whole thing look like a more coherent whole.

Quote:

Generally speaking, society tends to negate variety and reacts[/u] inappropriately

I would change and reacts to by reacting. If you use and, you're essentially describing two actions that society does--negating variety and reacting inappropriately. However (if I understand you correctly), it sounds like you want to say that "reacting inappropriately" is the primary action while "negating variety" is the result of that action. In order to show this cause-and-effect relationship, it would be better to use by.

Quote:

This work deals with the topic of variety in gender, whose problems it compares to problems of a stranger[/u]. It analyzes both topics in the perspective of modern Western society and offers the analogy of gender issue and the issue of a stranger[/u].

The underlined portions are saying the same thing, so you don't need both. I would get rid of the second one.

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It's odd how the mode of expression, which no serious writer disputes with others, has come to take precedence over content.

Form over substance.

You should beware Shapeless, of rewards for strutting your stuff. It can cause you to swallow the substance, hook, line and sinker.

And it's a load of shite.

BTW--you must have some shape shurely?

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spendius wrote:

It's odd how the mode of expression, which no serious writer disputes with others, has come to take precedence over content.

It does seem silly to polarize them, it's true. A wise man once said (albeit half-sardonically), "Beware good writing," for precisely the reasons you mentioned. Then again, I would never take this suggestion to mean that the onus is on writers to write less well or less persuasively. The onus is on readers to exercise their critical skills, especially readers disposed to believe that striving for clarity is "strutting one's stuff." At that point, I no longer blame the hook, the line, or the sinker; I blame the fish who bit.

In any event, the importance of substance isn't going to bail a writer out when the form directly alters the meaning of the substance.

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I recommend shorter sentences.

Keep thoughts short and concise.

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Shapeless wrote:

A wise man once said (albeit half-sardonically), "Beware good writing,"

Read over your compositions, and where ever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out. -- Advice to aspiring writers from Dr. Samuel Johnson.

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Reminds me of similar advice from Dr. André Gide: "That which is not strictly necessary is too much."

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Thank you guys. I was away for a week so I only react now.

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