New romantic ideas please!

thanks, that's what my therapist said ... he was amazed how I was handling this. Well, I guess I figure ... I have no power to change her habits. I only have the power to change my habits, choices and actions. That's what I'm going to do . . .

. . . don't get me wrong, my heart is BROKEN. But I'm too old to stay broken hearted. I pledge to be happy the second half of my life.

my wife, well she has chosen her bed - and well you know how the cliche goes.

I wish you the very best in life Jugbo. You'll find happiness wherever you go with your kind of thinking. You enspire me :-D

I truly am sorry that your heart is breaking :-(

I'm really caught in a emotionally tight squeeze now. My wife is suffering from mental illness, borderline personality disorder. Look it up, it's a hideous self-loathing kind of disorder. Well, one of the symptoms or results of this disease is that there a level of compulsive behavior associated with it, either gambling, overeating, substance abuse OR sexual promiscuity. YIKES! what do you do when a side effect of your wife's mental illness is that she is cheating on you?!?!?

I got to the point where I realized this is bigger than me, and I have NO power to change this. I've done some investigation ... well, I think she is having at least 3 concurrent sexual affairs right now. <sigh>

I don't think she knows I know ... I gave her a hint last night that I may know... but she nervously denied it all, sort of.

Aside from that we have planned a tentative trial separation. Honestly I don't feel anger, or disappointment ... because how can I fight a mental illness like that... I can't. All I can do is TRY to understand, take care of myself and children and pursue my own happiness and health.

Romance is not in the cards here I'm afraid . . . there is very little hope of winning her back. Not until she survives this disease, and from what I understand it's a life long process.

jugbo, sad news. However, I do agree a separation is in order, until she can own up that she has a problem, and agrees to see a therapist, and go on medication, if neccessary. Keep those kids, she is in no position to raise them, as it sounds. Borderline Personality Disorder is basically the same thing as Bi-Polar Disorder, but just diagnosed at a lower level. It can be controlled, but only if the sufferer wants to take that road. It is just a hop, skip and a jump away from a true split personality. I wish you well. You really are handling this with a great deal of maturity and wisdom. Keep us informed.

Jugbo, so sorry you are going through such a tough time. I have to ask, though, what do you KNOW? You think she is having affairs... do you KNOW anything? How do you KNOW she has Borderline Personality Disorder?

Not to doubt you, and I apologize if I miss where you explained.

A family member has Borderline Personality Disorder, and she functions very, very well with therapy and (I think) medication. None of the side effects you mention. The main manifestation is that she is rather uncritical in her thinking -- she will buy almost any argument, strongly made.

Just to say that even a real diagnosis is not the end of the world.

It makes me a little nervous that the affairs are suspected but not confirmed, if they are such as basis of strife... how would you feel if she really wasn't having any affairs? Would that make a difference?

I am with Soz on this jugbo. Why are you estranged from your wife? And would add that you cannot woo back you wife with behavior that is not the real you and then revert to type.

If you make changes in you behavior and they work then you really have to work and making them permanant.

Expressing your self openly and honestly and listening are things that are very important to women. And both a very hard for many people.

The most important thing is to say what you mean and mean what you say.

And do not be deperate than can only paint a rosey picture where one really does not exist.

Ok, I guess I should clarify.

She is on medication and she is in therapy. And has officially been diagnosed with BPD, and is permanently mentally disabled, recently as yesterday by a doctor.

I know she has been unfaithful because I hacked into her emails after weeks of chatting online all night. Mysterious phone calls that suddenly hang up when I answer them. Her, out of the blue started to shave her legs on a regular basis. Something she hasn't done for me for the last year. She bought new slinky underwear. She starting going on odd trips out of town. Trips that were really out of normal.

All possibly innocent, but after awhile she would be very angry if I would come up behind when she was on the computer, closing her email program in a hasty fashion.

That's when I started to investigate . . . and that is after I actually asked her if there was something going on. I first looked at her IM logs. They didn't have any direct evidence only very suggestive verbiage about how she was getting a divorce, but the ex (me) was still in the house for the sake of the kids . . . and other like conversations. Then I started to read her email . . . and my heart broke instantly.

There was language she had never even used with me. Very sexual, explicit. . . and worse of romantic. There was some kind of relationship being formed. I also read of 'dates' and directions to places to meet.

I confronted my wife about this . . . she denied it, then I presented the print outs of just some of the emails. She stood frozen, wordless . . . then angry. She was angry at me for 'spying' on her. I got very anxious, but for some reason I never ever have been angry. It's a weird feeling. I was unbearably sad, and broken hearted, but not angry.

A week went by she said she was going to stop if I quit spying on her. I agreed. But she started up the behaviors again. She was even more secretive about it all. And I checked again. I confronted her again . . . she agreed to stop.

Then it started yet again! This time a lot of the emails were written in the past tense. i.e. "that was great, when can we hook up again" (only I've cleaned it up a lot)

We had talked into the late evening, and even I started counselling and taking meds thinking there was something wrong with me. She continued and I spied. Until the final day when I confronted her with a solution, she got rid of these 'friends' or our marriage will not survive. It wasn't a threat more than the realization that this hurdle is too huge to ignore and go on.

Then she said no, she wouldn't . I couldn't figure out what was going on . . . she had been abused violently with every other relationship she had been in until ours. The only pattern she knew was a pattern of feeling ignored and mistreated, get attention by getting bad attention and then get hit and thrown out on the street.

The only difference here was I didn't ignore her, I didn't mistreat her and she only knew what she knew in the past, get bad attention. So she started these ' on-line affairs ' and was waiting for me to get angry, beat her and throw he to the curb. Only I foiled her plan by not getting angry, not hitting her, not throwing her out. And yet she didn't quit her affairs.

Then in conversation with one time, she confessed she had never really seen me as any different as those past relationship and she was ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. I felt total powerlessness . . . I told I was dumbfounded that every nice thing I did for her, said to her she thought it was a setup to a beating. Right then I knew I was powerless to fix this, no matter what I did.

I found out she had been planning to leave me, for what reason I only know now must be irrational at first ... but now, heck I can't see ever being happy again in this relationship. She is sick, I know. But I'm powerless to change it. The only power I have left is to pursue happiness and health for my self and my children. I will never change my wife.

So here we are getting ready to part. She is still sneaking around, for what reason I don't know, I pretty much told I can't do anything about it anyway. So, I'm broken hearted but not angry. I'm sad that the marriage is pretty much over, but I'm relieved. I confident in our continued friendship and with some added vigilance on my part we both can manage to be good parents to our capabilities.

That's about it. It's going to gradual . . . but hopefully the best for everyone involved.

I'm so sorry Jugbo. This is very sad indeed. I agree that it is time for you to move on and find happiness for yourself and your children.

The very best to you and your children.

Indeed. So sorry you had to come to such a sad realization. Thanks for the backstory.

I am sorry all around, except that you have, in the midst of it, some overview.

Surely she needs medical intervention, and your staying to be her savior is unlikely to be fruitful.

But you will feel strange on the street when you do move away. What can I say? As you look around, walking down the street, you will see lots of couples seeming happy........

not everybody walking down the street is a happy puppy and you aren't alone in a difficult world.

But relaxation with a person and caring back and forth are simple truths when they happen, don't think they are miles away.

You may need counselling yourself to weather this, or.. maybe not. I think you have a good and wise and caring eye. But reach for counselling if you feel overwhelmed.

thank you . . . I am actually in counselling. My therapist is pretty amazed how I'm handling all this.

You're right . . . I am looking around and seeing more happy couples than I had observed before. Also EVERY song on the radio seems to be written for the soundtrack of my life right now.

She's getting help. Only thing I don't think she's being honest to her support people. I don't know why I think that . . . just a feeling, probably because she constantly lies to me, it couldn't be that much harder to lie to near strangers.

Jugbo, what a sad story. But I think you did the right thing. And no, probably there wasnt much else you could have done, at any point in time. If this is indeed going to be in the past (your relationship, I mean), you'd better be proud of the way you handled it, so you are all the stronger on your feet for the next stage in your life.

The part that got to me was where you write how you ended up "taking meds thinking there was something wrong with me" - that happens so easily, in such a situation. But most of these problems are her stuff, and its good to see that you've come to realise its not been your fault. Whatever the other half of the story would be, it does noone any good for you to think it was.

I hope you'll still keep in contact - the way you describe that you feel - not angry, just sad - you might be able to be friends, instead. A lot of these things will no longer be your problem or your responsibility, and you'll still be close. But - best thing now is to do whatever works best for you now, I think. I wish you luck. You sound very clear and aware, even in control, about it, and that makes a helluva difference.



BPD seems such a broad category of a disorder, at most there's some similarities and common lines, some common strategies that might help as well ... but still every individual story seems to be so totally different, to come with different symptoms, features, in different levels ... no two alike <nods>.

thanks for all the kind words . . . I took some time off from work today. Man I tell you, when I'm not working I have way too much time to think . . . I feel so incredibly lonely now. It's so empty inside.

got any ideas to cheer me up. :-\

Jugbo
Do you have any hobbies that may keep your mind occupied? Of not, you have all of us here at A2K to spend your time with. We are a pretty friendly bunch and we have lots of fun here.

My heart goes out to you Jugbo.

Jugbo, it's not an easy situation. Don't think I'm being totally off-base here, but even if you've seen it, rent Jackass: The Movie, and have a couple of brews my man. That would cheer anyone up, unless you have a weak stomach. Anything actually, just to have a laugh, and get the positive endorphins flowing, and take your mind off things for a bit. I helps one focus too. I am self-employed, and this past year has been really bad. I know those moments when you are not working, and how your own thoughts get the better of you....work out, go for a walk, and laugh, if you can.

Seconding Cav, though I don't know the movie, I know the self employment, and Montana; yes, you have a group of friends here.

you are right . . . I do need a laugh. A lot of laughs actually.

I don't drink. It happens that my wife is an alcoholic too, I gave it up when I saw how it took over her/ our lives two years ago.

thank you buddies! I posted a picture of me and my daughter to the member gallery. I don't think it's been aproved yet.

No wait it IS there!!! My picture in the member's gallery

One of my best date was a hot air ballon ride in Temecula California. After landing on the vineyards you have a champagne breakfast and go wine tasting in the different vineyards. Maybe they have something similar in Oregon.