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Wow....Thats....Incredibly Terrible (Part 3,the...End?)

 
 
mrhunt
 
  1  
Reply Mon 4 Aug, 2008 02:57 am
Well currently Im working hard to Renovate OUr back Room to Rent it out,This will allow my parents To make up the lost money When i move out and They wont loose their home because I leave....Were smack dab in the middle of Doing it but its comming along alright....

I have a road test this Wednesday i think and Then im going to be Taking the actual Test shortly afterwards.

Ive been looking at places to live too but its difficult as the things in my price range are just rediculas slums And In terrible areas So im continuing to search....Moving out isnt the first thing on my plate right now though.

I talked to my mom today,She seems to be doing better.....Although she things she's in california and That I was her brother along with some other strange things.....Its sad because this isnt a symptom of detoxing and They now think perhaps along with all her other stuff she possibly had some sort of brain seizure.....Just mentally She's Not alright....but getting better physically in the sense that she's starting to eat and drink on her own and Her attitude Is Getting better...Well,She's not unconsious and halucinating all the time so thas what i mean i guess.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Mon 4 Aug, 2008 03:10 am
I'm glad your Mom is managing to eat and improve in that way. If something has happened inside your Moms head - then the docs will be able to advise you about that - this could have happened with or without the alcohol - but just keep taking it a day at a time and try to remember that the confusion or whatever is happening with your Mom is happening to HER and what you are going thru and feel and hurt about - well, there is nothing she can do to change that - only you can find a way to handle it so you can cope... and we are here if you need to vent or just talk about anything.

Well done on making moves to step forward. Good luck with your road test - that will give you more independence and a sense of freedom.

Little by little Mr. H - you will find a way forward - just take it slowly.... you are dealing with so much... but you're doing really well - keep talking.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Aug, 2008 05:50 pm
Hey Mr.H

Checking in on you..... how did the driving test go???? How are things with you. How's Mom doing?

You OK?
0 Replies
 
mrhunt
 
  1  
Reply Mon 11 Aug, 2008 04:31 am
Thanks izzie....

Things are just weird.....
The other night i get a call my mom is freaking out in the hospital at 11:00 at night insisting on leaving.....So we go the next morning and she seems okay....Then slowly she starts just Screaming at me and the nurses and Everyone.....Going up to the very people who have been caring for her every need being so rude saying "you Kept me hostage here!" Just being so mean!

And im trying to calm her down and She just Freaks at me,Saying she'll smack me,Putting down everyone.....Saying "i'll scream" Or "i'll call the police on you and have you arrested" When she didnt like somethign i did...

saying i wasnt her Son....I used to be but i wasnt anymore.This went on for about 5 hours While they processed her release paperwork and Me and my father figured out a way to get her Home Since We couldnt get her into our car as she's not 100% Wheelchair bound and cant even stand.....

Probally was the worst day ive had in aboout 10 years.....God it was terrible....but now she's home and Doing Slightly better?.....She needs so many more pills none of which her shitty insurance covers.....And her and my father are saying there going to Sell the house and move to ******* idaho Or something.

Cause my father lost his job and Their current job He's putting No work into (partially to care for my mother,Partially cause he doesnt care anymore) and Im trying to Hold the house together,Remodel our back room to rent it out While working 2 Jobs and finding a place to live and its just freaking me out....im Either Crying Or Just ******* yelling at someone For no real reason ALOT lately.


I took One Driving Lesson To Kinda Refresh on what they do on the road test and im calling tomorrow to schedaul my Real road test On tuesday morning hopefully.Im sorta nervous I'll fail but i know plenty people fail on their first time.....We'll see.
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Sat 16 Aug, 2008 12:17 am
@mrhunt,
Hey MrH

Sorry hun - have not been online. Good to see you posting. Sounds a tough time still - how did the driving go? Now that your Mom is back home - you need to let your Dad to decide how to care for your Mom. Please focus on you and find out what can make you feel better right now. If your folks move away - that is there choice hun - you can't change them... please try and think about how your future is gonna go forward.

Will try and check back in with you soon. Take very good care of yourself.

Izzie x
0 Replies
 
mrhunt
 
  2  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2008 03:00 am
@mrhunt,
well heres some major updates,I didnt want to create a new thread just for them So i thought id just Sorta Revive this dead topic in hopes it goes to the top and someone notices it.

My Mom IS home...and Despite Some Extremely rough periods she's Rapidly Regained Strenghth and Can get From her bed to her wheelchair with Minimal assistance and is mentally Quite Stable.

Ive moved out and live with another guy i know thats about 5 minutes Walking distance down the Hill From my parents house,I still Come by as much as possible to help them,Take care of the yard and Make sure things are going alright....although ive stopped helping Financially 100%.The problem is that without my being there its unleashed the floodgates For their immature and dangrous Actions and fights.

I came up the other day to find out She Started antigonizing him while he was trying to sleep,He freaked out and slapped her,Choked her and When she tried to call the police took her cell phone,broke it in half and Threw it in an empty field.When i was then told this he said that if My mother called the police and had him arrested he would have killed her.He was still very agitated the next day and im just very scared.My father is 60 years old and Is very Unstable and under alot of stress.I know he drinks and Does Pot ALOT which i strongly dissaprove of...He's also My mothers One and Only caregiver and im afraid something may happen to them or he may abandon My mother all together.

basicly as ive feared before my moving out has given me tons more freedom,And Im Quite happy On a day to day basis And its terrific.but the cost is that my mother and fathers lives have dilapidated even further and i Feel responsible for that.I know i cant babysit them,im not their parents and shouldnt be obligated to take care of them in the manner that i am.

i mean,Times are rough where i am and theirs not alot of buisness,people are laying off employee's and Cutting hours drasticly.Im now Forced to work 3 Jobs because of this and I dont have the time alot since i dont live there anymore to be constantly be checking in on them but im very worried what may happen.All they do is Fight,

Just the other Day When this happened and My mother said "oh,Your taking HIS side?!?!" Which made me think....WHY ARE THERE SIDES!?! Since when is this a big battle where i have to take a side Against either my Mother or father and be "against" One of them? When did we stop being a family? Their both INCREDIBLY WRONG in almost everything they do now and every action,they dont see it,They dont care,they dont work to fix it and learn From it and just keep repeating it.

Their barely working and without my financial support its only a matter of time before their house is foreclosed on,and what then? Where do they go then broke and homeless with my mother wheelchair bound unable to care for herself with my father hating her and physicaly abusing her?

My father complains how theirs "No jobs!" Thats why he says he cant work....Well if theirs no work how did i manage to Get THREE ******* jobS!??! Ive got 3 of them,He's got barely One...

I dont know,I need you guys help here cause unlike last time when i knew they answers and just had to get it off my chest....This time i Dont have a ******* clue here whatsoever and i Need help....This wont be fixed and will only get worse and Im scared what will happen to them!

Izzie
 
  2  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2008 03:49 am
@mrhunt,
Hey Mr H.

I'm so glad you have posted again - have been waiting to hear from you.

I'm sorry everything for your parents, despite your mom's recovering, is still so difficult.

The emotional strain of this for one so young is a lot, too much, for you to handling - but you are doing it admirably.

Firstly, your Mom recovered well enough to go home - now your parents both make their choices again on how they proceed.

I don't have anwers for you hunni - you need to figure out what the best is for you - however, I can only tell you what I personally feel. My situation is different - but not so dissimilar in the emotional stakes.

You have moved out - I believe this to be a good thing for you. You are a young lad - you are not responsible for your parents actions - and if you were still at home - you still would NOT be able to change your parents actions. They asked you already about taking sides. You can't take sides, because you have no control over how they choose to live. However hard it is to step back and watch people, those you love, hurt themselves, each other, and ultimately hurt you - you need to step back. If you step back from the emotion of what they are doing - then you can do more for them, which means more for you.

I still believe you need to seek help from the professionals. I believe you ought to go and get help from people in similar circumstances. This is not to get help for people to go and "fix" your parents.... no-one can do that. This is to help you be able to cope with what they do - for you to be able to accept that you can't change how they conduct their life.

I think we talked before about AA or a support group for the FAMILY of the anonymous. People who will UNDERSTAND your loyalties, fears, anger and just someone to sit with you, who can give you a way forward.

You have done so well. You are working 3 jobs, you have moved in with a mate, you said you were happy with what you have achieved. That is good Mr. H. You are taking responsibility for your life. In so doing, you will be able to deal better with what your parents will choose to do. You need to continue concentrating on you.

I know how it feels when someone you love endangers themselves. I also know that unless you step out of that black world and only "view" the blackness, then you get drawn into it, where everything you do will also become black. People make their own choices. You can't change people. You can still love and care for your parents...... you can be angry, upset and even say you hate what they do..... you still can't change them. Only they can do that.

I understand your fears of what they may do. I really do. You cannot stop what they will choose to do. Seek help where you can from the professionals, but more importantly seek help to deal with your feelings about this - when you get a handle on the guilt that is going to burden you and gnaw at you, then you will be able to give them more constructive help.

You can disapprove of them. You can be angry. You can feel guilty. It won't change them. Please - do keep talking, and please - think about what others suggested about going to a support group - you shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed, please.

You are doing SO good with focusing on your future by the actions you have taken since you last posted. WELL DONE. Keep strong.

These are only my opinions. Listen to the other folk here. We all talk and feel differently and they are wise with their advice - they taught me a lot.

Keep working hard..... and Mr.H - go out and play too. You're a young man - look to your future. Take care. x
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2008 09:45 am
@Izzie,
Good post, Izzie, I agree with it.
Hang in there, Mr. Hunt. I'm glad you've made the moves you have.
mrhunt
 
  2  
Reply Sun 14 Sep, 2008 02:52 am
@ossobuco,
Thank you izzie For your continued support.

Im just Tryin to Get comfortable with my new rutine and ultimately figure out my next big step be in college Or a girlfriend or what...Im waiting for things to get busier here to see what will happen and which of my 3 jobs i will stay at since one only gives me 16 hours a week,one gives me 30 and one gives me about 8.

Once i get a more set working schedual i feel i'll be able to plan other things around that schedual and work on my next serious goal and set a time frame to acheive it by.Usually when i Set a time frame for myself i Achieve that goal TONS faster and when theres no time frame i usually dont accomplish it at all So its strange.

Izzie
 
  2  
Reply Sun 14 Sep, 2008 04:39 am
@mrhunt,
Hey Mr. H

Sounds to me like you have a plan in the making. Good for you. It's great to hear you are thinking about setting goals and how to achieve them. That's a massive step and something you should be proud of yourself for. Good luck and keep us posted.

Don't forget to include "playtime" in that... you need to play too.

Well done - you are doing fab!

Iz x
mrhunt
 
  2  
Reply Thu 18 Sep, 2008 05:03 pm
@Izzie,
Thank you again for your positive Comments and Everything.Your the only people im talking to about this and its Really helped to Lay it all out...

As you know after i moved out i said that i would continue to come up to my parents home and Do yard work,Help them,Manage The tenant in the back room and anything else that i could do with my allotted time.My mother usually calls me several times a day Regarding Miniscule issues To Get me up to theirs house..Which i dont really mind.Yesterday she called me Asking if i could come up to put a toy in her birds cage which i did....And somehow before i knew it She And i were fighting again and she was just screaming at me....

Saying how i dont help her! basicly alot of things that are untrue...screaming at me To Get out and How i "**** on her" Were her exact words....I freaked out and Smashed Our Outside gate and was just very upsett All night i didnt speak at work.....And i came up today Again to help them with whatever i could and to get some further things for our tenant in the back room of our house that was needed.The tenant has no Plates/Cups/Silverware at all and i was going to go and get some for her as well as future tenants we (hopefully) will rent to but my mother insisted that she was Taking advantage of me asking for Plates and cups and That i was to not do it...started screaming at me again in tears just hysterical about things that had happened months and years ago Telling me to get out or she'd call the police on me! I hadnt done anything to warrent that!

She Said that i wasnt welcome there anymore,to Not come back.That i wasnt her son...Accusing me Of doing wrong to her in the hospital because i appologized to the nurses that she was screaming at and verbally abusing....

I tried to talk to Her but She wont listen and It just breaks my heart because Ive just realized that This isnt going to work out how i thought it would....I thought i could live in peace on my own but still come around to help them and support my parents but i cant.Its just fights whenever i come up there and things with them keep degrading So Far....My Father says he's borrowing 5 grand from his mother and leaving...I dont live there and it will leave my crippled mother who cant work in the home all by herlself with no income.She'll Loose the house and everything she has if and when that happens...

its just destroying me and makes me want to cry because were not a family anymore.....We stopped being a family a good 3 to 4 years ago i guess when i think about it....Ive lost my mother,She basicly has disowned me.My dads not much better.They both hate each other and fight constantly.

Ive lost my home,My mother,My father....My Family.I mean....i thought this would get better when i moved out and in one aspect it definately has.....but in another aspect Its just gotten so SOOOOOO much worse.

Oh,And my mother Is now insisting on managing the back tenant and refusing to give any necessary items For someone to live there,Coupled with my parents almost constant screaming at each other its only a matter of time before she moves out and we all loose money because of it,Just another example of her Compleletly not caring and sabotaging Her and Us financially and our relationships...So i wont go back....it will hurt but i will stay away.I'll change my phone number so she cant call and i'll focus 100% of myself...Instead Of putting so much focus into them which is a sinking ship.

And i KNOW i cant change them...im not trying to.I was just trying to Help,To have Her acnowledge her Mistakes and How much its done to distroy our "Family"but it seems now that i cant even do that.
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Sep, 2008 09:52 am
@mrhunt,
Oh my..... good grief.

First of all.... I'm still right here (just been absent for a bit)..... so...... I want to respond having thought through the things you have said rather than post straight off the top of my head - which will be too emotional. Will be back...
0 Replies
 
Foxfyre
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Sep, 2008 10:10 am
Mrhunt, I hope you will reconsider the Al-anon thing. If you find a good group, it can make all the difference in you being able to reconcile your own fears and anger and give you a great shot for being happy. With your family history, there are demons out there to haunt you in unpleasant ways and understanding what it has done to YOU is what Al-Anon is all about. You don't go to learn to cope with the alcoholic in your life. You go to learn to cope with you. However many hours you are working, that one additional hour is worth the time and trouble. Growing up with an alcoholic parent does some really ugly stuff to people that most are unaware of.

If not Al-Anon, then find a good ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) group.

Be prepared for no noticable results at first. Many people will sit there for weeks or months just listening, not really participating, thinking this is all a crock. This isn't helping. The only thing that keeps you there is your own uneasy discomfort at emotional symptoms that you can't explain away plus hope. Then one day the light comes on and that is a wonderful thing.

It can't take away your immediate mixed feelings of anger and grief (and perhaps some unexplainable feelings of guilt). But it can help you get on with your life in the most positive and productive way possible.
0 Replies
 
Izzie
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Sep, 2008 11:03 am
@mrhunt,
Quote:
As you know after i moved out i said that i would continue to come up to my parents home and Do yard work,Help them,Manage The tenant in the back room and anything else that i could do with my allotted time.My mother usually calls me several times a day Regarding Miniscule issues To Get me up to theirs house..Which i dont really mind.Yesterday she called me Asking if i could come up to put a toy in her birds cage which i did....And somehow before i knew it She And i were fighting again and she was just screaming at me....


Your Dad is still at home.... right? Your Mom is asking you to come up and do things because she wants you there. You are the one that takes the "frustration" or "anger" for her. This is where you have to make a decision on whether or not this is reasonable. I know from my experience, that being a verbal punchbag hurts like hell. It takes a lot of willpower and looks as tho you are being selfish to say "NO - this is unacceptable behaviour" - whether you are the child or the parent. Your Mom should not be putting these guilt trips on you - tho it maybe is all she knows how to do. YOU are allowing this to happen because you won't say NO. The bird didn't need a toy Mr.H. You need to find a way to be able to work out when it is necessary (for safety or health reasons etc) to go back to the house. Your Dad is still there - you do not need to be at your Mom's beck and call, or be emotionally battered each time you visit. I know, I know...... it's a tough call to make. I do understand that.

Quote:
Saying how i dont help her! basicly alot of things that are untrue...screaming at me To Get out and How i "**** on her" Were her exact words....I freaked out and Smashed Our Outside gate and was just very upsett All night i didnt speak at work.....And i came up today Again to help them with whatever i could and to get some further things for our tenant in the back room of our house that was needed.The tenant has no Plates/Cups/Silverware at all and i was going to go and get some for her as well as future tenants we (hopefully) will rent to but my mother insisted that she was Taking advantage of me asking for Plates and cups and That i was to not do it...started screaming at me again in tears just hysterical about things that had happened months and years ago Telling me to get out or she'd call the police on me! I hadnt done anything to warrent that!


No, you do NOT warrant the abuse. However, you are allowing her to say these things to you - and then you are responding (i.e. gate) This is not good for you Mr.H, nor is it good for your parents. The guilt you are feeling by going to them to do whatever you can..... my personal opinion is that you need to concentrate on your needs right now - not those of your family who are making their own decisions about the way they conduct their life. That sounds terribly callous and hard....... I know that must sound an awful thing to say.... but you need to focus on where your life is going - as you rightly say now, you can't change your parents - they will continue to do as they do, unless they are forced to change their own habits (if they wish to) by not having someone to blame (i.e. you) for everything that is going on with them. You are NOT responsible for your parents. You are a young man with an inordinate amount of guilt heaped upon your shoulders for things that you have NO control over. It's weighing you down and taking you down.

Quote:
She Said that i wasnt welcome there anymore,to Not come back.That i wasnt her son...Accusing me Of doing wrong to her in the hospital because i appologized to the nurses that she was screaming at and verbally abusing....


Maybe for a while Mr. H.... don't go back. You can pick up the phone and ask if all is OK (knowing of course that the response will not be good) - but for a while..... your Mom has said not to go back. So..... I would not feel the guilt there for steering clear for a few days. Yep, easy for me to say. But I do understand.

Quote:
I tried to talk to Her but She wont listen and It just breaks my heart because Ive just realized that This isnt going to work out how i thought it would....I thought i could live in peace on my own but still come around to help them and support my parents but i cant.Its just fights whenever i come up there and things with them keep degrading So Far....My Father says he's borrowing 5 grand from his mother and leaving...I dont live there and it will leave my crippled mother who cant work in the home all by herlself with no income.She'll Loose the house and everything she has if and when that happens...


If your Father leaves - that is his choice. He hasn't left before. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. Please don't take on the guilt of your Father's choices. If your Mom is unable to look after herself and she is unable to treat you as someone who cares for her - you are not in a position to look after her - nor should you under these circumstances. Again, these are your parents decisions. You are the child here - trying to find your own life. You have tried to help as best you can - but there is only so much YOU can do.

Quote:
its just destroying me and makes me want to cry because were not a family anymore.....We stopped being a family a good 3 to 4 years ago i guess when i think about it....Ive lost my mother,She basicly has disowned me.My dads not much better.They both hate each other and fight constantly.


This is one of the hardest things Mr.H. I can't be anything but emotional here. When you feel you lose your family - the pain is unbearable. There are ways to put that into perspective..... but I am not one to advise here... I still struggle with this. Your family is still there - and it IS possible for things to change.... I know that for a fact. But everyone has to want that and to make it happen - if only you want it.... it won't happen. Sometimes you have to walk to the side knowing that you still love...... and not let the bitterness and resentment of "why" it is the way it is take over. It's hard to do, but it is possible.

Quote:
Ive lost my home,My mother,My father....My Family.I mean....i thought this would get better when i moved out and in one aspect it definately has.....but in another aspect Its just gotten so SOOOOOO much worse.


You are trying to move forward with your life, living as an adult in an adult world. Working....driving.... you have to trust that when you move out of home, your responsibility to yourself increases. Your "sooo much worse" is the guilt that your parents are putting on you, in my opinion. If you had left home and all was fine at home - then you would be another kid leaving home and moving forward.... however, in your situation - you feel totally responsible for what your parents are doing and the consequences of THEIR actions. But you aren't responsible for them.

Quote:
Oh,And my mother Is now insisting on managing the back tenant and refusing to give any necessary items For someone to live there,Coupled with my parents almost constant screaming at each other its only a matter of time before she moves out and we all loose money because of it,Just another example of her Compleletly not caring and sabotaging Her and Us financially and our relationships...So i wont go back....it will hurt but i will stay away.I'll change my phone number so she cant call and i'll focus 100% of myself...Instead Of putting so much focus into them which is a sinking ship.


OK - let your Mom manage the back tenant. That's good. She will take the responsibility. If the tenant leaves - it is NOT your fault and those are not your consequences to live with. I think your decision to stay away for a while is a sound and sensible decision if this is damaging you in the way it appears to be. Only you know if you are able to stay away and the reasons for doing so. Listen to what your inner voice is telling you. Not all ships have to sink - but everyone has to pull together to make sure you stay afloat.

Quote:
And i KNOW i cant change them...im not trying to.I was just trying to Help,To have Her acnowledge her Mistakes and How much its done to distroy our "Family"but it seems now that i cant even do that.


Sometimes - you have to put on your own life jacket first before you can be any help to anyone else.





Everything I have said is just a personal opinion, and it doesn't mean I'm right on anything here. You have to make your own decisons here, which is hard to do when you are feeling so low and desperate for everything to be alright ..... but just know that it's good to talk and to hear different opinions - mine being just one in a whole world of differing opinions.

Wishing you strength.

Hugs.
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